TOW MONICA FINDS OUT
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Phoebe: It’s not a big deal.
Monica: Not a big deal? It was a big deal when I slept with Chandler in London.
Joey: But that was different.
Ross: How is that different?
Joey: This involves me and Phoebe.
Rachel: I just can’t believe it I mean all this time you think you know a person but they just go and have sex with Joey.
Phoebe: Come on people it was just this one time and no strings attached.
Chandler: Because that would make it a big deal?
Ross: (To Phoebe and Joey.) How did it happen? When did it happen? Where? Why?
Phoebe: There is no specific answer.
Chandler: It’s true what they say, ‘there is no right answer to every question.’
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch, Monica is holding Emma.]
Rachel: I still can’t believe it I mean Phoebe and Joey.
Monica: I know! (Yes the Monica “I KNOW!”)
Rachel: Well it was only for one time.
Monica: (To Emma.) Oh look at my little niece! Aren’t you so pretty?
(Gunther comes over.)
Gunther: (To Monica) Not as appealing as Rachel!
Monica: Oh yeah definitely (makes a weird face and Gunther leaves.) I wish she had a cousin though.
Rachel: Mon you’ll have a baby! I mean not all the time those little swimmers get in.
Monica: I know. This afternoon I’m going to take my last pregnancy test. I know it’s been a week and by now for certain I’m not pregnant but still want to make sure.
Rachel: Why don’t you take Ross? He seems to knock off every girl he does it with.
Monica: Ewww!
[Scene: Joey’s place. Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are there.]
Joey: Come on Pheebs, I don’t have AIDS!
Phoebe: How can I make sure that?
Joey: Why does it bother you so much? IT’S MY LIFE!
Phoebe: Well if you had it that means I have it!
Joey: How is that possible?
Phoebe: Didn’t you ever watch the discovery channel?
Chandler: You watch that?
Phoebe: No, Ross forced me. Whatever, still oh gosh I have AIDS!
Chandler: Look Phoebe calm down. You said you both did it like four years ago right?
Joey: Yeah! That was ONE WILD NIGHT.
Phoebe: (Mad.) What is it with you and Bon Jovi?
Joey: What?
Chandler: My point is that if Joey did have AIDS four years ago then he would have been dead by now or there would have been some visible symptoms. Will you still feel better if Joey went to the doctor to do the test again?
Phoebe: Yes oh please yes.
Chandler: Okay, Joey and I will go.
(Joey starts biting his nails.)
Chandler: What’s wrong Joe?
Joey: I’m all nervous now.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s place, Emma is sleeping and Rachel is reading a magazine.]
(Ross enters with Ben.)
Ross: Hey Rach.
Rachel: Hey, hi Ben!
Ben: Hi aunt Phoebe.
Rachel: (To Ross.) Why doesn’t this child ever learn my name?
Ross: Rach, I have to ask you a big favor.
Rachel: Want me to carry more of your babies?
Ross: No, can you take care of Ben?
Rachel: Ross! I have enough trouble right now with Emma.
Ross: I know!
(Rachel gives him a what-are-you-trying-to-say look.)
Ross: I meant I know honey but Monica is not home and I really need to leave Ben with someone.
Rachel: Oh all right but you owe me!
Ross: Anyways it will be good experience for Ben and Emma to start their first brother and sister relationship.
Rachel: Oh my god! I totally forgot!
Ross: What?
Rachel: I have to tell my sisters about their niece.
Ross: You still didn’t tell them?
Rachel: Oh hell, they wouldn’t care anyway.
Ross: Well I’ll leave you three alone now. See ya and thanks again Rach.
Rachel: Yeah whatever.
[Scene: Continuation from before. Ben and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Rachel: So Ben. Are you excited about having a sister?
Ben: No not really.
Rachel: (Under her breath.) This is gonna be harder than I thought. (To Ben.) When Emma wakes up you can play with her.
Ben: Who is Emma?
Rachel: Your sister!
Ben: I have a sister? But my mother is a lesbianism.
Rachel: No Emma is your half sister. I’m Emma’s mother and your dad is her dad.
Ben: But I thought you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey we were not on a break!
(Pause.)
Ben: So where is Emily?
Rachel: It’s Emma! And she is sleeping in the other room.
Ben: No I mean EMILY! My dad’s wife.
Rachel: Emily? They got divorced like five years ago.
Ben: But then who’s Emma?
Rachel: OH MY GOD! Ross I’m gonna kill you.
[Scene: Outside Central Perk. Monica is walking out the door and she bumps in to Ross.]
Monica: Hey bro, where you going.
Ross: Oh I have to do this thing
Monica: Don’t you have Ben today?
Ross: Yeah but I had to leave him with Rachel.
Monica: ALONE?
Ross: Yeah! Look she has to get use to being around children and what if we have another baby then- (realizes what he said so he stopped talking.)
Monica: Oh my god, look at you talking about having more children with her.
Ross: I didn’t mean that what I meant was when SHE has another baby.
Monica: (dryly.) Oh right, sure!
Ross: Anyways I gotta go.
Monica: I better go up and help out Rachel.
Ross: I would be grateful for that. Thanks Mon.
Monica: Bye you freak in love.
Ross: What did you say?
Monica: I said bye my lovely bro.
[Scene: Hospital, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are sitting down in the waiting room.)
Chandler: You know Pheebs you didn’t have to come with us.
Phoebe: I know but I want to know the results too ‘cause if I’m gonna die then I better start doing stuff that I’ve never done. (Winks at Chandler. Chandler is shocked.)
Chandler: Phoebe you’re not gonna die and I hope you don’t.
(Nurse comes.)
Nurse: Mr. Tribianni, the doctor is ready to see you.
(They all get up except Joey who still looks nervous.)
Chandler: Uhmmm, Joey, come on.
Joey: (in a kid impression.) I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna die.
Phoebe: You might as well die now. We’re all gonna die some day.
Chandler: Okay Phoebe. (To Joey.) Look you are not gonna. We are just going in there to make sure you are healthy.
Phoebe: And even if you don’t have AIDS, I’ll kill you.
Joey: Chandler, she’s scaring me.
Chandler: Phoebe, be a nice girl. Now Joey will you go follow the nice nurse?
(Joey looks up to the nurse.)
Joey: (While getting up.) Oh yeah baby. How you doin’?
(Joey leaves with the nurse.)
Chandler: Just a minute ago he was gonna die and now look at him, new as a new born baby.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment. Emma is crying, Ben is running around yelling and Rachel is staring in to empty space looking angry.]
(Monica enters.)
Monica: (Looks around at the mess.) Oh my lord.
(Rachel gets up, runs over to Monica and throws herself on her knees hugging Monica.)
Rachel: Monica I’m so glad you’re here. You’re here!
Monica: What happened?
Rachel: (Gets up, quietly) You gotta help me. These are little monsters. They’re not sweet…they’re evil.
Monica: What are you talking about, they’re tiny and-(Ben squirts Monica with water.) OKAY! I’M GONNA KICK SOME ASS!
(Monica chases Ben around the couch. Rachel sits down smiling on the couch and grabs a magazine to read.)
[Scene: A restaurant. Ross enters.]
(Dr. Green is sitting in a table.)
Ross: (To Dr. Green.) Hello Dr. Green. (Shakes Dr. Green’s hand.)
Dr. Green: You’re late wet head.
Ross: I’m so sorry. I was trying to find someone to look after my son.
Dr. Green: What are you doing with your son, you’re suppose to be with my grandchild.
Ross: Well as much important Emma is for me, Ben is also a part of my life. (Pause.) So Dr. Green why did you want to have lunch with me?
Dr. Green: Does Rachel know?
Ross: No, I didn’t tell her.
Dr. Green: Well here is the deal. (Starts yelling.) I DON’T WANT MY GRANDCHILD TO HAVE A STEPFATHER! (Suddenly smiles.) I want her to have a real father.
Ross: Oh don’t worry-
Dr. Green: I’M NOT FINISHED YET! (Pause. Drinks his wine. Grabs a ring case from his pocket and shows the ring to Ross.)
Ross: You really think the right answer is us getting married?
Dr. Green: No you stupid librarian.
Ross: I’m a professor.
Dr. Green: What’s the big difference? A library a University, the same thing.
Ross: (Slowly.) O-k-a-y. (Grabs his glass to drink but Dr. Green stops him and puts the ring on the table.)
Dr. Green: No drinking while I’m talking to you. (Pause.) The ring is for you to propose to Rachel.
Ross: Oh Dr. Green-
Dr. Green: Still talking! What is the matter with you librarians?
Ross: (Yelling.) I’M A PROFESSOR! (Dr. Green gives him an evil look. Ross looks scared.) But professor, librarian, same thing.
Dr. Green: So where was I before I was rudely interrupted… oh yes. Look Ross, I’m not an admirer of you but I want you to marry my precious baby doll.
Ross: Dr. Green I appreciate it but Rachel and I had this talk and-
Dr. Green: I don’t want to hear it! Just think about it.
Ross: Okay I will but-
Dr. Green: No you won’t you will marry! Look I don’t want my pumpkin to be alone in this world with just her baby. By the way is it a girl a boy? I always forget.
Ross: (Weird look on his face.) A girl. Dr. Green, my mother gave me a ring incase I wanted to propose. Rachel doesn’t know this but I love her and not just as a friend. But we’ve been on and off and if we’re on again I know we’re gonna be off again.
Dr. Green: Well this time make sure that you’re not on a break.
(Ross looks mad.)
Dr. Green: Okay go on.
Ross: So I just got to be sure this time that Rachel is where I am. So before we start again I want to be absolutely sure that it’s not going to end.
Dr. Green: I know I will regret saying this in half an hour but just do it. Just for this time don’t think about how it’s going to end, just think about how it’s going be.
(Ross starts to think and stares at the wall.)
Dr. Green: Anyways I’ll book you two the plaza for you wedding, that should be pretty exhilarating.
Ross: (Sarcastically.) Oh great. Well anyways I gave Rachel time to think about where she is.
Dr. Green: Well if she isn’t where you are then make her come where you are.
Ross: Mr. Green how you been drinking? You seem very nice to me today.
Dr. Green: Now I’m serious. This is serious issue. Just go and do it okay? And don’t talk to me like that!
Ross: Okay I will think about it. (Tries to take the ring but Dr. Green takes it back.)
Dr. Green: What are you doing?
Ross: You said-
Dr. Green: No, this was just to show you an example. Geez. (Puts the ring back in his pocket.)
[Scene: Hospital, Chandler and Phoebe are in the waiting room.]
(The doctor comes.)
Phoebe: How is he?
Chandler: Is he going to be okay?
Doctor: No panic, he is just resting now. First it didn’t look good.
Phoebe: (Dramatically.) OH NO! (Starts crying on Chandler’s shoulder.)
Doctor: But you have nothing to worry about. (Smiles.) Congratulations! You have a healthy friend!
Chandler: Oh my god! I migh start crying of happiness.
Phoebe: Really? (Joyfully.) Can we se him?
Doctor: Not now. But he will be ready to go home in a few hours.
Phoebe: Thank you doctor, thank you so much! Well Chandler you wait here I just have to go to the bathroom. (To the doctor.) Sir, where’s are the restrooms?
Doctor: The third door on your left after the elevators.
Phoebe: Okay. Thanks again Doc. (Smiles at him.)
(Infront of the elevators, Cliff is AGAIN trying to go in to the elevators.)
(Phoebe passes by.)
Cliff: Phoebe!
Phoebe: (Turns her head to look at him.) Oh not you again.
Cliff: Look Phoebe please listen, I know you’re mad at me for what happened a week ago.
Phoebe: it’s okay, bye! (As Phoebe is leaving-)
Cliff: Wait Phoebe! (He goes over to her with his wheelchair.) Look, I gave you another chance, I agreed to start over so it’s only fair if you give me a chance.
(Pause for five seconds.)
Phoebe: Alright. (Smiles at him.)
(They try to kiss but he can’t get up.)
Phoebe: Why don’t I just lean over?
Cliff: Good idea!
(They kiss.)
Cliff: So this means I will get to see your friend Joey right?
(Phoebe looks worried.)
Cliff: Just kiddin’.
Phoebe: Thank God!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s apartment, Monica is sitting on a chair with her arms wide open and Rachel is lying down on a couch because they both are really tired.]
Rachel: I had the worst day in my life, even my sisters weren’t like this.
Monica: After living today, I’m having second thoughts on that whole pregnancy thing.
Rachel: Still we had a little fun I mean we lost some calories.
Monica: That’s what you’re worrying about?
Rachel: Well you eat for nine months and that would be what you’re thinking about right now.
Monica: Rachel, that’s all I did until I was 16.
(Ross enters and sees the mess.)
Ross: Am I at my uncle’s house? (Pause.) What the hell happened here?
Monica: We know we went a little crazy but the children are asleep, yey!
Ross: A little crazy? You were suppose to take care of them not kill them.
Rachel: Ross, uhhhhm you don’t have more children right?
Ross: No, why?
Rachel: No reason, (to Monica) great we don’t need to baby-sit for any other children.
Monica: Rachel! Emma is your daughter.
Rachel: Well huh, well… she is a very naughty daughter.
(Ross goes over to the table and picks up a broken fossil.)
Ross: (angry) HEY! WHO BROKE THIS?
Monica: (to Rachel) See ya Rach. (Leaves the apartment quickly.)
Rachel: Ah! (Pause.) Well that Ross was-
Ross: (Smiling.) It’s okay it’s made in Thailand I just said that so Monica would leave.
Rachel: Oh, whew!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s place. Monica is sweeping the floor.]
(Joey, Phoebe and Chandler enter happily with balloons in their hands that says “congratulations.”)
Monica: Oh so how was it at the doctors?
Chandler: Joey doesn’t have AIDS!
Monica: Oh I’m so happy for you.
Joey: I know!
Phoebe: Ehem!
Monica: Oh Phoebe for you to! (To Chandler) Why am I congratulating her?
Chandler: (Whispering.) I don’t know whether it’s for her making up with Cliff or because she is excited that Joey doesn’t have AIDS.
Monica: Oh! (To Phoebe) You made up with Cliff?
Phoebe: YEAH!
Monica: That’s so great! (To all.) What’s up with all the balloons? You know that Rachel had her baby like 14 days ago!
Joey: Didn’t you listen to us? The balloons are for me!
Monica: (To herself.) Why am I friends with these people?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel’s place, continuation from before.]
Ross: So I see you had a great day!
Rachel: Well at least I taught Ben that Emma is not a toy.
Ross: Ben is eight years old! He knows it already.
Rachel: Ben is eight? I thought he was five. Oh well, so where were you?
Ross: Nowhere, just had to do this thing.
Rachel: Ross why won’t you just tell me?
Ross: Just the usual had this thing at the university.
Rachel: Oh okay.
Ross: Well I’m gonna drop off Ben in a few minutes.
(Rachel starts to clean up the place and Ross sits down putting his feet up on the coffee table.)
Rachel: Oh it’s okay, I don’t need your help. (Ironicly.)
Ross: Sorry. (Gets up and starts cleaning up too.) So Rach , uhmmm lately have you been thinking about our situation?
Rachel: Oh Ross, I’m sorry I had like no time I was to busy taking care of Emma.
Ross: (Disappointed.) Okay.
Rachel: But I have thought about it like that day of the birth and I figured that I’m not where you are.
Ross: But Rachel you have to be where I am or this won’t work.
Rachel: I know Ross but I just can’t. I tried but I can’t.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s, every one is there including Emma who is on her baby seat.]
(Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are talking in the kitchen.)
(Ross, Chandler and Joey are talking in the living room.)
Chandler: I’m telling you she loves you!
Ross: She just told me like an hour ago she wasn’t where I was.
(Kitchen.)
Rachel: You guys, he said he is not where I am! He doesn’t love me.
Monica: But maybe he loves you and he just didn’t know where you were.
Rachel: Monica, I’m telling you, he made it clear that he doesn’t love me.
(Living room.)
Ross: Look, I’m telling you, she made it clear that she doesn’t want to get married with me.
(Kitchen.)
Phoebe: He loves you and he told me.
Rachel: Really?
Phoebe: Well indirectly.
Monica: Will you excuse me a minute? I have to go take the pregnancy test.
Rachel: Sure but make it quick ‘cause I really have to pee!
Phoebe and Rachel: Good luck Mon.
Monica: (While going towards the bathroom.) Thanks, I need it if it’s with him. (Points at Chandler who hears.)
(Monica goes into the bathroom.)
(Rachel and Phoebe enter the living room and Ross is playing with Emma.)
Chandler: What’s going on?
Rachel: Well Monica is taking her last pregnancy test!
Phoebe: You didn’t know? How self –involved are you?
Joey: So this is the last one she is taking?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Isn’t it late a bit? I mean if she was pregnant by now she would of known.
Phoebe: Yeah we know but you know she is doing it just to be 100 per cent sure.
Joey: So we shouldn’t get our hopes up? No baby? (Starts crying.)
(Everyone looks at eachother surprised that Joey is crying.)
Ross: (To Chandler.) What’s up with him?
Chandler: Well every since he learned that he doesn’t have the disease he’s been acting emotional.
(Monica goes out of the bathroom with tears in her eyes; she goes to the kitchen and sits down.)
(They all go over to her.)
Chandler: Oh honey, it’s okay.
Monica: I just thought that you know maybe there was a chance that I was pregnant.
Joey: No luck huh?
Monica: No! All I got was this stupid color- (Starts crying.)
Rachel: We’re so sorry Mon.
Chandler: Look honey, we’ll try as much as we can to have a baby okay?
Monica: That’s not the point. I mean what if something is wrong with me? (To Chandler.) or with you!
Ross: Look Mon, nothing is wrong with you guys, it just takes a lot of tries to have a baby.
Phoebe: Look who’s talking. (Everyone looks at her.) Well it’s true (to Ross) both times you had a baby was accidentally.
Rachel: Mon, I’m so sorry, I’m here for you, I love you and I know it’s inappropriate to say this now but, can I go to the bathroom now?
Monica: Oh sure but I didn’t throw away my pregnancy test. It’s still there beside the sink so be careful.
Rachel: Thanks for warning me.
(Rachel goes in to the bathroom.)
Chandler: Let me get you some tissues honey.
Monica: Oh don’t let Joey get it. (Pause, sees Ross in the room.) (To Ross.) The tissue thing is this joke I had with Joey.
All except Ross: Yes!
Ross: (Confused.) Okay.
Monica: But there are no tissues left.
Joey: I have some in my place. Let me get it for you.
Monica: (Still with tears in her eyes.) NO! It’s okay I’ll go get it.
Chandler: I’ll go with you.
(Chandler and Monica exit.)
(Joey, Phoebe and Ross are sitting in the kitchen.)
(In the bathroom.)
(Rachel sees the pregnancy test on the sink and she looks like she is disgusted.)
Rachel: (sees the pregnancy test from a close look.) OH MY GOD!
(Runs out of the bathroom holding the pregnancy test.)
Rachel: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Ross: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Rachel: She IS pregnant!
All three of them: WHAT?
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: What’s going on?
All: MONICA IS PREGNANT!
Monica: WHAT?
Rachel: You’re pregnant!
Monica: But it’s pink!
Rachel: Blue is a negative result! Pink means you’re pregnant!
Monica: Really?
All: YES!
Monica: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Rachel: (Sees the pregnancy test in her.) EEEW! Why am I still holding this? (Drops it to the floor.)
Chandler: I can’t believe this. (Kisses Monica.)
(They all hug.)
Rachel: Okay, now I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment, they are all sitting down in the living room. Monica is holding Emma.]
Monica: I can’t believe it! In nine months I’m gonna HAVE A BABY! I’m living my dream!
Chandler: Honey OUR dream.
Monica: Sorry!
Joey: So in nine months you’re gonna have a full grown baby?
Ross: Joe, how did you ever get to go on to high school?
(Joey stares at Ross.)
Rachel: (To Emma.) Look Emma, you’re gonna have a cousin.
Monica: Girl cousin!
Phoebe: How do you know it’s a girl?
Chandler: She doesn’t, she wishes it was a girl.
Monica: (To Chandler.) Look lets call off the name Stephanie or Tracie or Stacie.
Chandler: Maybe we should just stop talking about names.
Monica: No, no, no, I decided it should be… Cracie, it’s a gorgeous name.
Chandler: Sounds like you…CRAZY!