THE ONE AFTER THE SURPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are present)

Chandler: Has anyone seen or heard from Joey?

Monica: Nope.

Phoebe: I still can’t believe he’s getting married.

Monica: I figured you be the next one to get married Phoebe.

Phoebe: You did? I don’t even have a steady boyfriend.

Monica: You’ve done stranger things than that.

Phoebe: Like what?

Chandler: How ‘bout marrying a gay ice dancer?

Monica: Or moving in with Gary after four weeks of dating him?

Phoebe: So?

Monica: So I figured a cute guy would walk in here one day and a week later you’d be getting married.

Chandler: Sounds plausible to me.

(A cute guy enters)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Shut up. There’s my future husband. (Phoebe gets up and goes to talk to him)

Monica (to Chandler): I call maid of honor.

Chandler: Don’t worry, I wasn’t about to call it.

Monica: I’d figure I’d be safe, your father wears dresses after all.

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before – Phoebe returns)

Monica: Well?

Phoebe: Let’s just say that he plays for the other team.

Chandler: That’s never stopped you before.

Monica: Yeah Pheebs, you almost converted Duncan.

Phoebe: One conversion in a lifetime is all I’m good for.

Chandler: When do Ross and Rachel get back from Jamaica?

Phoebe: Do we really care?

Monica: Phoebe, they’re friends, don’t talk about them that way.

Phoebe: I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that I spent all that money on their stupid wedding and they didn’t thank me.

Chandler: Ah Pheebs, they did thank you. You don’t remember? They gave you special thanks right before they left the reception.

Phoebe: Was that before or after I passed out?

Monica: Before.

Phoebe: Then it’s still their fault that I don’t remember.

(Joey and Courteney enter)

Joey: Hey, what’s up?

Chandler: Where have you been?

Joey: Having sex with your mother. Where else would I be?

Phoebe: Where was Courteney?

Joey: She was there too. She was manning the video camera.

Monica: Sounds exciting. Can I come next time?

Chandler (upset): Stop talking about my mother that way!

Courteney: We’re just kidding boss, Joey and I were picking out wedding rings. Do you want some coffee Joey?

Joey: Yeah. But make it a latte.

(Courteney goes to get the coffee)

Monica: So Joe, taking the big step to the ultimate commitment. I’m so proud of you.

Joey (to Chandler): What the hell is she talking about?

Chandler: Marriage.

Joey: Yeah about that, is there like a rescission period for something like that?

Monica: What?

Phoebe (to Monica) He wants to know if he can still back out.

Monica: I got that. Joey, you don’t want to marry Courteney?

Joey: I dunno.

Chandler: Then why did you ask her?

Joey: Caught up in the moment?

Chandler: Dude, you’ve done some stupid stuff, but this one tops the cake. You can’t back out now, Courteney’ll be crushed.

Monica: He’s right Joey, you’re relationship with Courteney will be over. Do you really want that?

Chandler: Oh my God, she said I was right. Did anybody get that on tape? (Monica glares at Chandler)

Joey: I really like her, I just don’t think I’m ready for marriage.

Chandler: And I was? (Monica glares at Chandler again) What are you looking at? I followed through didn’t I?

Phoebe: We’re gonna have to talk about this later. Here comes Courteney.

Courteney: Here you go honey.

Joey: Thanks Court.

Courteney: Did Brad and Jennifer leave?

Monica: They left this morning. They stopped by and said goodbye and said they knocked on Joey’s door but no one answered.

Courteney: We must have been in the shower.

Chandler: Both of you?

Joey: Don’t worry, we didn’t leave your mother out. She was there too.

MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lounging by the pool)

Ross: Can we go back to the room now?

Rachel: No.

Ross: But I wanna show you something.

Rachel: If it’s what I think it is, I have seen it four times already today.

Ross: But it’s our honeymoon. That’s what is expected.

Rachel: Look, I can barely walk as it is. If you want to have sex again on our honeymoon, you have to let my soreness go away.

(It starts to rain heavily. Ross and Rachel get up from their seats and head for cover)

Ross: You know, I checked the weather in Aruba this morning and you know what it said?

Rachel: I don’t care.

Ross: Well I’m gonna tell you anyway. It was going to be sunny, 90 degrees with a wind out of the south.

Rachel: You’re a geek.

Ross: I told you we should’ve gone to Aruba.

Rachel: If you say that one more time, I’m gonna buy you a one-way ticket to Aruba.

Ross: I betcha it won’t rain in Aruba this week, unlike Jamaica where it’s rained everyday that we’ve been here.

Rachel: How would you know? This is the first day we’ve left the hotel room.

Ross: I looked out the window during intermission.

Rachel: You looked out the window? You told me you were ordering room service.

Ross: I was ordering room service, while I looked out the window.

Hotel Manager (VO): Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to advise you that the Weather Service has posted a hurricane watch for the island for the next three days. It appears that we will be on the southern end of the storm, but there is a possibility that the island could be hit head on by Hurricane Emily.

Rachel: I knew that bitch would get her revenge somehow.

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: They named the hurricane Emily. You know, you’re ex-wife who tried to ruin our wedding. It figures that the hurricane would be named after her.

Ross: They could’ve just as well named it Hurricane Gunther. Anyway, we wouldn’t be having this discussion if we had gone to Aruba.

Rachel: That’s it. Consider the tunnel of love closed. (Rachel walks away)

Ross (chasing after Rachel): What did I do? (Rachel just looks at Ross) Come on, I was only kidding, re-open the tunnel of love. Rach? Rachel? I love you! (looks at the other guests) We just got married.

Male Guest: Get used to it, it’s all down hill from here.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Monica and Joey are present)

Monica: Joey, you can’t back out now. Be strong. Follow through. Getting married to Chandler is the best thing I ever did.

Joey: You obviously haven’t heard Chandler’s side of the story. (Monica gives him a miffed look) That was probably something I should have kept between Chandler and I. Anyway, look, I really do love Courteney, but I’m just not ready for marriage. It’s too big of a step too soon. I should have never opened my mouth. It’s just that we were at the wedding and I saw how happy Ross and Rachel were and it just slipped.

Monica: Joey, Chandler wasn’t ready for marriage either. Apparently he’s not ready yet despite the fact that he is already married. But come on, it’s the next step in your relationship. You either step up to the plate and hit the homerun or strikeout.

Joey: Ok, you had me until you started talking about baseball.

Monica: I’m just trying to tell you not to be afraid. You can do this. Don’t throw your relationship with Courteney away because you’re afraid to fail.

Joey: Monica, I just can’t do it. Long-term relationships and me don’t go together. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, the two just don’t mix.

Monica: Ah Joey, peanut butter and jelly do mix. That’s why they call a P&J sandwich.

Joey: Is that what that stands for?

Monica: Ok, just promise me you won’t do anything about this until you think everything through.

Joey: Think what through?

Monica: Whether or not you wanna marry Courteney.

Joey: Right. I knew that. Sorry, all this talk about baseball and sandwiches has me hungry again.

CHANDLER’S WORK (Chandler is working in his office, he calls Courteney on the intercom)

Chandler: Courteney could I see you for a minute?

Courteney: I’ll be right there.

(Courteney enters)

Chandler: Take a seat.

Courteney: Why are you being so serious?

Chandler: Because I’ve got some bad news.

Courteney: What is it?

Chandler: Did you finish those reports I asked you for?

Courteney: No, I’m still working on them. Why?

Chandler: They were due on my desk two days ago. What have you been doing?

Courteney (weakly): Looking at wedding dresses on-line.

Chandler: Well thanks to you I just got my head handed to me on a silver platter by my boss. Thankfully, crap rolls down hill.

Courteney: What are you saying?

Chandler: I have to fire you.

Courteney: What?!

Chandler: I needed those reports for a meeting with upper management and I made a total fool out myself in the meeting this morning. You missed another deadline and I can’t cover for your mistakes anymore. I have to let you go. Your last day is Friday, I’m sorry but I don’t have any other options.

Courteney: You’re firing me?

Chandler: Yes. Look I don’t like this either, but someone has to take the fall.

Courteney: Why didn’t you tell me how important those reports were? I would’ve done them right away.

Chandler: I did tell you that they were important and I also told you that I needed them two days ago.

Courteney: But you didn’t ask for them yesterday.

Chandler: It doesn’t matter. It’s over.

Courteney: And I lose my job, thanks a lot. I thought you cared about me and thought of me as a friend.

Chandler: I do care and I think of you as a friend. But this is business and when things don’t get done, somebody usually pays with their job.

Courteney: Well thanks a lot. I’m going home, unless of course you’re gonna fire me for that. See you around.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Courteney are present)

Joey: He fired you? I’m gonna kick his ass!

Courteney: Don’t get involved Joey, it’s my problem.

Phoebe: Then I’ll kick his ass!

Courteney: Come on guys just drop it. I made my bed and I’ll sleep in it.

Joey: Ah, you didn’t make the bed this morning.

Courteney: I know.

Joey: Then why did you say you did?

Phoebe: It’s a metaphor Joey, a metaphor.

Joey: A what?

Phoebe: Never mind.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: You’ve got some nerve showing your face around here.

Chandler: Stay out of it Joey, you don’t know the whole story.

Phoebe: What is the full story Chandler?

Chandler: I can’t you tell you Phoebe, it’s between Courteney and I. What happens at work stays at work.

Courteney: Well I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you guys later.

Joey: Where are you going?

Courteney: Wherever Chandler isn’t.

Joey (to Chandler): Way to go man. Way to go.

(Joey and Courteney leave)

Chandler (to Phoebe): Go ahead, let me have it.

Phoebe: Why’d you fire her?

Chandler: My boss made me do it.

Phoebe: Isn’t it convenient when we can blame someone else.

Chandler: It’s not that easy Phoebe, I was in really hot water. It was either me or her and it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t finish those reports that I asked her to.

Phoebe: You didn’t fight for her job?

Chandler: What da ya mean?

Phoebe: Geez, you’re as dumb as Joey. Did you try and save her job? Did you ask your boss to give her one more chance?

Chandler: What do you think?

Phoebe: I don’t think you did. I think you caved to his demands. You rolled over like a dog.

Well?

Chandler: Ok, so I acted like a dog. But you would’ve done the same thing if you were in my shoes.

Phoebe: Remind me never to count on you if we’re in a perilous situation.

Chandler: So you are saying I should volunteered myself to get fired?

Phoebe: No, I’m saying you should’ve fought for Courteney. She’s been through a lot in the past few months and she’s been a good support for you at work. According to Courteney, your employees actually like you now.

Chandler: I’ll be back.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Chandler: I just have something to do. If you see Monica, tell her I’ll be home late.

(Chandler leaves)

Phoebe: I should get a job, I really miss getting fired.

CHANDLER’S WORK (Chandler enters his boss’ office)

Bill: Chandler, burning the midnight oil?

Chandler: No sir, I need to talk to you about something.

Bill: Can it wait until tomorrow?

Chandler: Ok. I’ll see you in the morning.

Bill: Oh, by the way, did you fire Ms. Cox?

Chandler: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

Bill: You didn’t fire her?

Chandler: No, I did.

Bill: Good. For a minute there I thought you’d be stupid enough not to follow my orders.

Chandler: About that sir, I think we made a mistake. I don’t think we should have fired Courteney.

Bill: Who’s Courteney?

Chandler: I’m sorry, I don’t think we should have fired Ms. Cox. Look sir, Ms. Cox is a fine employee who made a mistake. We should give her another chance.

Bill: I wish I could do that, but in my division, you’re not allowed to screw up as bad as she did.

Chandler: Ok. But look, it was partially my fault that she didn’t get those reports finished. I didn’t supervise her well enough.

Bill: So are you saying I should fire you?

Chandler: Well…..

Bill: Well?

Chandler: Yes, if you have to fire someone, fire me.

(long pause)

Bill: Give Ms. Cox her job back tomorrow morning.

Chandler: What about my job?

Bill: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna fire you. It takes a lot for an employee to share the blame. That doesn’t happen a lot around here. Actually, this corporation is full of a bunch of ass kissers who would jump off a building if I told them to do it. We need to keep supervisors who are willing to share the blame and risk losing their jobs over it. Now I’m going home to my wife who should be dressed in a scantily clad negligee by now, unless of course you want to continue wasting my time.

Chandler: No sir. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Chandler turns to leave)

Bill: Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah sir?

Bill: If you screw up again, I’ll have your ass.

Chandler: Right sir. Goodnight.

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)

Joey: How you doin?

Courteney: I’m alright. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Joey: You could be my personal assistant. What da ya think?

Courteney: It wouldn’t be good for our relationship.

Joey: How about my personal sex slave?

Courteney (laughing): You mean you have other sex slaves besides me?

Joey: Only Chandler’s mom. Can I ask you something?

Courteney: Sure. What?

Joey: Do you promise not to get upset?

Courteney: As long as you don’t tell me that you don’t wanna marry me anymore.

Joey: Oh. Forget about it.

Courteney: Oh my God! You don’t wanna marry me anymore do you?

Joey: Sure I do!

Courteney: Joey, tell me the truth. Do you still want to marry me?

Joey: I don’t know. I feel really confused. Do you wanna marry me?

Courteney: Yes I do. But I won’t if you’re not 100% convinced that you wanna marry me. Well?

Joey: Can we sleep on it?

Courteney: No, we can’t.

MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed – it’s still raining)

Ross: Are you still not talking to me? (Rachel doesn’t answer him) Look, I’m sorry I made the crack about the rain. Hey I’ve got an idea, let’s go swimming.

Rachel: There’s a hurricane lurking outside and you want to go swimming? Are you insane?

Ross: Insanely in love.

Rachel: Can we go skinny dipping?

Ross: Probably, I bet we’ll have to pool to ourselves.

Rachel: Let’s go.

(Ross and Rachel rush out of the hotel room)

(cut to the pool a little later- Ross and Rachel are swimming and playing with each other in the middle of a hurricane)

Ross (shouting): Isn’t this fun?!

Rachel (shouting): What?!

Ross: Isn’t this fun?!

Rachel: This is absolutely crazy!

Ross: I told you Emily would never bring us down!

Rachel: I love you!

Ross: This sure beats Aruba!

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)

Joey: Do you wanna get a pizza?

Courteney: No, I want you to answer my question.

Joey: Yeah ok. What was it again?

Courteney: Forget it Joey. I’m leaving.

Joey: Courteney don’t go!

Courteney: What?

Joey: I love you.

Courteney: At this point Joey, that’s not enough anymore.

Joey: And I want to marry you.

Courteney: Are you sure?

Joey: Are you sure that the three blind mice were really blind?

Courteney: Huh?

Joey: That not a metaphor? Forget about it. I wanna marry you. You’re the one for me.

(Courteney rushes into Joey’s arms as Chandler enters)

Courteney: You are gonna get so lucky tonight!

Joey (to Chandler): What are you doing here?

Chandler: I came to talk to Courteney.

Courteney: Well this isn’t the best time. We’ll see you later.

Chandler: Fine. Just make sure I see you at work tomorrow at 8:30 am.

Courteney: Why would I be at work early when you’ve already fired me?

Chandler: Because I went to Bill and got you your job back if you want it.

Courteney: Well that’s nice, but I don’t need your charity.

Chandler: Ok. But if you do want it back, I’ll see you tomorrow. (Chandler goes to leave)

Courteney: Wait a minute. You’re serious? You got me my job back? How?

Chandler: I told Bill that if was partially my fault and that if he had to fire someone, it had to be me.

Courteney: You really did that?

Joey: I think so.

Courteney: Shut up Joey!

Joey: Here we go again with people telling me to shut up.

Courteney: I can’t believe this. You fell on a sword for me?

Chandler: Yeah, it was the least I could do. You just reminded me that it’s my job to protect my employees if I can. So I’ll see you tomorrow?

Courteney: Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow. (Courteney gives Chandler a hug)

Joey: Sorry to interrupt, but ah Chandler, where did you get stabbed and shouldn’t you be at the emergency room?

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are in bed)

Monica: Let me get this straight. First you fired Courteney, and then you got her job back?

Chandler: Yeah, am I great or what?

Monica: You’re an idiot. Why didn’t you just take the fall the first time?

Chandler: Ok, so I’m not great. I was scared. How would I supply clothing and shelter for our baby?

Monica (shocked): You know? I mean what baby?

Chandler: Mon, I found the test this morning.

Monica: And you’re not freaked?

Chandler: Totally freaked. But totally happy.

Monica: We can’t tell anyone for a few weeks ok.

Chandler: Tell them about what?

Monica: The baby.

Chandler: What baby?

Monica: Right. What baby?

Chandler: Congratulations.

Monica: I love you.

Chandler: If it’s a boy, can we name him Bada?

Monica: Bada?

Chandler: You know, Bada Bing.

THE END