By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa.)

(I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom Friends. This fanfic supposedly takes place after “The One With The Dinners Gone Wrong.” feedback. All feedback is welcome. Write to Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com)

THE ONE WITH THE GRAPES (Season 5 Premiere)

SCENE A:

(It’s Ross’s apartment. Rachel’s at the door. Ross is in front of her.)

ROSS: (Where he left off last season.) . . . But I’m not apologizing anymore. You know I’m sorry. But I just don’t know how to prove it you.

RACHEL: (Stares at Ross, shocked. Clears her throat.) What are you saying?

ROSS: I’m saying take it or leave it Rachel. Do you want to be with me or not? If you really loved me you’d stop punishing me.

RACHEL: (Angry now.) Excuse me, am I not the one that was (starts listing on her fingers) made a very rude list of, cheated on, and- and starved?! How do you get off accusing me, Ross?!

ROSS: (Walking away from Rachel and into the kitchen.) And here we go again.

RACHEL: Oh, would you just shut up Ross! I can’t believe you!

ROSS: (Inside the kitchen.) Well trust me, it’s the truth.

RACHEL: You are so immature!

ROSS: (Coming out of the kitchen, a glass of soda in his hand. He takes a small sip.) Oh, I’m immature, am I?

RACHEL: Very.

ROSS: (Pause as if thinking.) OK, it’s your call. (Throws the soda on her face.)

RACHEL: (Agitated and surprised.) Ross! What the hell are you doing?! Do you have any idea how much this sweater cost?!

ROSS: Hmmm. . . no. But enlighten me please?

RACHEL: Argh! I could just- just. . . (pushes Ross with both her hands from his chest.)

ROSS: (Takes step forward and pokes Rachel with his index finger from her shoulder.)

RACHEL: Is that the best you can do?

ROSS: Try me.

RACHEL: Ughh! (Angrily grabs Ross by his sweatshirt and yanks him forward by the neck.)

ROSS: (Quickly grabs Rachel with one arm by the waist and the other hand on her shoulder and kisses her very passionately.)

SCENE B:

(It’s the guys’ apartment. Chandler and Monica are standing in front of each other in the middle of the living room.)

I thought we were just friends.

MONICA: (Slides her arms from his neck.) We are. But then again- why was it awkward?

CHANDLER+MONICA: (Stare at each other.)

CHANDLER: (Takes a step forward.) It’s probably because (moves his hand to Monica’s cheek) . . . because (leans in to kiss Monica.)

MONICA: (Closes her eyes as Chandler is leaning in to kiss her. Her eyes suddenly open and she stares at Chandler, shocked. She puts her hand over to her mouth to prevent him from kissing her.)

CHANDLER: (Stares at Monica strangely. His mouth being next to her hand, he says:) You OK?

MONICA: Oh my gosh- what- why- what am I doing?

CHANDLER: (Taking a step back.) Yeah, I was kind of having those same thoughts.

MONICA: Oh my gosh- Chandler I’m sorry but I- I have to get out. (Turns towards the door.)

CHANDLER: (Grabs her arm.) OK- just wait a second, what are you doing? What’s going on?

MONICA: What’s going on? Chandler, do you realize I almost just kissed you? I mean you. . . Chandler!

CHANDLER: Well now that we’ve established my name, I’d also like to mention it’s not like we haven’t done it before. I mean what do you think we were just doing right now?!

MONICA: I know- I know. That’s what makes it even weirder! (Puts her head in her hands and then begins to pace.)

CHANDLER: Mon . . . would you- like a tranquilizer or something?

MONICA: (Looks back up at Chandler.) You know what, I’m gonna go.

CHANDLER: Wh- why?

MONICA: Because I have to. (Runs out of the apartment.)

CHANDLER: (Stares at the door, in shock and disbelief.) And that’s I’ve been waiting for all summer?!

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE C:

(It’s Ross’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel are sleeping, both facing the right. Ross’s eyes open. He smiles at Rachel and then pokes her.)

ROSS: Rach?

RACHEL: Mmmm?

ROSS: It’s morning.

RACHEL: (Eyes open. She takes one look at Ross and says:) Oh.

ROSS: I know.

RACHEL: Oh, this is just so. . . (sees past Ross and her eyes open wide.)

ROSS: What? (Turns to his left.)

CHANDLER+PHOEBE+JOEY+MONICA: (All standing at Ross’s doorway.)

JOEY: Ross, move! You’re blocking the view!

RACHEL: (To Ross.) Do people always have to stare at us the morning after we sleep together?

CHANDLER: Oh so you’ve. . . had audiences before?

PHOEBE: (Smacks Chandler’s hand.)

MONICA: (Happy.) So the fight’s over?

ROSS: (Raising the blanket to his neck.) Yeah.

MONICA: That’s so great! Phoebe, isn’t this great?

PHOEBE: Yay! I’d hop but (points to her stomach) you know.

JOEY: Aww, now that’s not fair. None of my girlfriends would forgive me if I slept with another woman.

PHOEBE: (Smacks Joey’s hand.)

CHANDLER: Like you’d care.

SCENE D:

(It’s the girl’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are on the chair that sits in front of the window watching TV. Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table, eating a late breakfast . . . errr- pancakes will do.)

CHANDLER: Could you pass the syrup?

MONICA: (Deliberately keeping her eyes off Chandler. She reaches for the syrup that’s across from Chandler on the far right side of the table and passes it to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: (Gives Monica a strange look.) So Mon, how was your day?

MONICA: (Playing with her food.) It’s only eleven o’clock, the day hasn’t really started yet.

CHANDLER: Well then . . . how was yesterday?

MONICA: (Getting up.) Has anybody seen my . . . (desperately trying to come up with something). . . pencil?!

JOEY: (Turning to Monica.) Oh I think I saw it. Was it like yellowish with a silver thing near the top and a pink eraser?

ROSS: (Sarcastic.) Wow, Joey knows what a pencil looks like.

JOEY: Hey, for your information there happen to be a lot of different kinds of pencils out there. I’ve seen Phoebe’s collection.

ROSS: Phoebe’s what?

PHOEBE: Oh right- I collect pencils. I have at least two hundred different ones.

ROSS: (Stares at Phoebe strangely.)

PHOEBE: (Looks at Ross.) Oh what. And collecting dinosaur coloring books isn’t odd?!

ROSS: (Defensive.) Hey I don’t do that . . . (timid) anymore.

RACHEL: Aw, I always thought it was sweet.

PHOEBE: No you didn’t.

RACHEL: Phoebe, why don’t you just pipe down and get back to your little destroying Tiffany quest.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah! (Turning around to face Chandler.) We must destroy Tiffany!

CHANDLER: That’s great Phoebs but why are you telling me?

PHOEBE: Just because she’s um- going to stop by your office around one later today. Sound good? Well all-righty. Monica, do you have any sour green apples and mustard?

CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, wait. Why is she coming by my office?

MONICA: And I am not giving you anything that weird. There will be no weird food in my apartment.

RACHEL: Mon let’s not forget . . . you let the flan in.

ROSS: And Joey once brought in that giant sub with applesauce and you never complained.

MONICA: You know, now that you guys are back together you’re beginning to sound a lot alike.

CHANDLER: Phoebe, why?

PHOEBE: Well. . . Joey and I figured that your office would be the perfect place to um- seduce her.

CHANDLER: It’s an office! It’s work! A serious place! An office isn’t a place of sex!

ROSS: Chandler, you hate your work. What would you care?

RACHEL: Yeah and remember Joanna?

CHANDLER+MONICA: (In unison.) Shut up!

ROSS: I’m sensing a lot of hostility here.

RACHEL: Don’t you guys know you’ll never solve any of your own problems by attacking us?

MONICA: (Nervous.) What problems? We have no problems- there’s nothing going on between us. (Laughs nervously.) Not as if there was anything between us cause um . . . you know.

PHOEBE: Have you been drinking from that green bottle in my purse?

JOEY: OK. That’s it! I’ve had just about enough of this! (Gets up angrily.)

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Joey honey, what’s the matter?

JOEY: Uh hello? You’re ignoring me. All of you! I don’t even feel like I’m a part of this group anymore!

ROSS: When did this come up?

JOEY: Oh it’s so obvious. The only one who even acknowledges my existence anymore is Phoebe! She’s the only one who ever appreciates me . . . who- who nurtures me.

PHOEBE: (In appalled disbelief.) What Joey that is so, so (clears her throat) err true.

CHANDLER: Um Jo, I’d really really like to help but there is no way I am nurturing you.

PHOEBE: And that is why Joey is so screwed up!

JOEY: See! That is why- (realizes and says defensively) hey!

SCENE E:

(It’s Chandler’s office and he’s at his desk. A buzz comes from the machine at his desk.)

CHANDLER: (Pressing a button.) Please not again.

HELEN’S VOICE: Afraid so.

CHANDLER: OK Helen, you can scream whatever profanity you want into the receiver.

HELEN: (Pause.) Would I get paid extra?

CHANDLER: Just get rid off her.

HELEN: I’m afraid that Miss Buffay is quite insistent.

CHANDLER: Just put her on the line. (Picks up the phone. Pause as he’s waiting for Phoebe to connect.)

(Cut to Phoebe in the guy’s apartment.)

PHOEBE: Oooo, did Bill Gates find the time to take his friend’s call?

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: There is no way you are getting in here, OK? I’ve informed security.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: Oh would you stop being such a wienie?!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: (Sarcastic.) Now that’s persuasive.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: Oh come on! I’d do it for you!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: No, OK? Why don’t you just go to the museum or something?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: As if old bones and a paleontologist are going to help the seduction mood.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: Oh and computers and me do?

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: Hmmm. . . that is a good point.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: See? Now leave me alone!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: No! I don’t have to and I won’t! Mark my words Joey will meet Tiffany in your office! I don’t care if it takes me a million years to make it happen!

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: Well I don’t necessarily have to take your calls.

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: I can call you at home you know. I’m in your home right now.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: I could . . . change my number and the- the lock!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: Joey would just give me the new number and a new key.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: I could move!

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: And I’d be right over.

(Cut to Chandler.)

CHANDLER: (Hangs up in frustration.)

(Cut to Phoebe.)

PHOEBE: OK he may have won the battle but he’ll lose the war!

CHICK+DUCK: (Come up from behind.) (Clucking)/(Honking)

PHOEBE: And if he’s even thinking of moving I’m keeping the birds!

SCENE F:

(It’s some club. Ross and Rachel are slow dancing very closely. The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” is playing. Monica and Joey are at the bar, watching them.)

RACHEL: (Head on Ross’s shoulder.) So are we going to the movies later?

ROSS: What do you want to see?

RACHEL: (Moving her head from his shoulder to stare into his eyes.) Anything as long as I’m with you.

ROSS: (Leans in and kisses Rachel softly.)

MONICA: Awww. Aren’t they cute?

JOEY: How come you’re not mad at them anymore?

MONICA: Joey, who could be mad at them?

JOEY: Mmm-hmm, cute whatever. Wanna dance?

MONICA: I don’t really feel like it.

JOEY: Well then I’m bored. There are no free girls here. Everybody’s with somebody else. When is Phoebe gonna get here for the whole Tiffany thing?

MONICA: She’s probably still bothering Chandler because he had to work late. Why don’t you just ask that girl over there to dance? (Points to her left.)

JOEY: Because that’s a man.

MONICA: Well then he’s in a dress.

JOEY: What? Ru Paul does it.

MONICA: Joey, I’m sorry but that is so not a guy.

JOEY: I’m telling you he is.

MONICA: (Teasing.) Well how would you know?

JOEY: (Sarcastic.) Ha-ha. I’m going to call Phoebe. (Turns to walk away but then turns back.) You got any change?

MONICA: Why don’t you just look around the floor?

JOEY: I’m not going to do that! That’s degrading! (Sees a beautiful blonde walk by on a man’s arm.) Can I at least steal one of the girls from those other guys?

MONICA: (In a warning tone.) Joey . . .

JOEY: Then how come it’s OK for me to steal Tiffany?

MONICA: Because Frank belongs with Alice.

JOEY: (Admits.) Yeah OK. (Brightens.) I think I saw a quarter in the bathroom. (Turns and walks towards the left where I suppose the bathroom will be in my imaginary little club.)

MONICA: (Watches Ross and Rachel again.)

CHANDLER: (Comes up from behind.) Hey!

MONICA: (Jumps up, surprised.) Oh Chandler! I thought you were working late.

CHANDLER: Yeah well I left early to put out a restraining order on Phoebe. How’s the happy couple? (Pointing to Ross and Rachel.)

MONICA: They’re adorable. It’s like everything is like it used to be.

CHANDLER: Well not everything.

MONICA: (Stares at Chandler, slightly surprised.) No I suppose not.

CHANDLER: (Clears his throat.) So do you want to dance?

MONICA: (Nervous.) I. . . um. . .

JOEY: (Coming from the left.) I found a dime and some drug dealer’s card.

CHANDLER: What are you doing with the drug dealer’s card?

JOEY: (Shrugs.) I just didn’t want to come out of the bathroom feeling empty-handed.

MONICA: Works for me, Joey, do you want to dance?

JOEY: But I thought you didn’t-

MONICA: (Cutting Joey off.) Good. (Grabs Joey and runs away from Chandler.)

CHANDLER: (Stares after them strangely.)

PHOEBE: (Comes up from behind Chandler.) Hi!

CHANDLER: (Jumps up, surprised and then scares.) No!

PHOEBE: Yes!

CHANDLER: Oh no no no! (Runs towards the door.)

PHOEBE: Oh yes yes yes! (Quickly follows.)

SCENE G:

(It’s the girl’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are lying on the couch, half asleep.)

CHANDLER: (Enters.) Is Phoebe here?

ROSS: (Sleepily.) No. What are you doing here at three in the morning?

CHANDLER: I’ve been all around the city escaping from the relentless pregnant phenomenon who, for some reason, can outrun me. It was unbelievable I had to hide like fifteen times! Once behind a fire hydrant.

VOICE FROM BEHIND: It’s probably because she has the three kids in her stomach.

CHANDLER: (Jumps up, surprised.) Why does that keep happening today?

RACHEL: (Sleepily.) What did you say, Jo?

JOEY: (Who was the voice form behind, continues.) I said the reason Phoebe can outrun Chandler is because she’s pregnant with triplets, right? So it’s like there are four people chasing him instead of one.

CHANDLER: Before I tell you what’s wrong with that statement. . . why are you here?

JOEY: I’m getting something to eat, what does it look like? (Walks over to the refrigerator.)

RACHEL: (Sits up a bit.) Huh. Do you always come over here in the middle of the night for snacks?

JOEY: Not snacks. Banquets. Do you guys have any T-Bone steaks?

RACHEL: Wait a second. . .wait a second. Were you the one who ate our grapes?

JOEY: What?

RACHEL: Ross and I, we happen to keep some red grapes in the corner of the fridge. Did you eat them?

ROSS: (Glares at Joey.)

CHANDLER: A little more than I wanted to know.

JOEY: When?

ROSS: Just whenever (angry) did you eat our grapes?

JOEY: I. . .um. . .

RACHEL: (Expectant.) Well?

JOEY: Later! (Darts for the door.)

CHANDLER: Wait a second. . .is Phoebe at our place?

JOEY: Yeah. Bye! (Reaches for the door.)

CHANDLER: (Grabs Joey’s arm.) Is there any way you can get her out of there?

JOEY: Nope. (Reaches for the door again.)

CHANDLER: (Yanks Joey.) Couldn’t you at least try?

JOEY: (Looking past Chandler at the glaring R&R.) Look if I try she’ll suspect that you’re here. Phoebe is very smart with that whole guessing what’s going on thing. Plus, if I don’t get out of here now, there will be no me. No Joey! I mean, how would the world survive, huh?

CHANDLER: Fine go, go.

JOEY: Great! Later! (Darts out of the apartment.)

CHANDLER: Uggh. Looks like I’m staying here tonight. I’m going to go ask Monica for some blankets and pillows and stuff. (Walks over to Monica’s door.)

RACHEL: Wait, no, Chandler, you can’t go in there!

CHANDLER: What? Joey’s the one who sleeps naked.

RACHEL: But-

CHANDLER: Look Mon won’t care if it’s the middle of the night. OK? She’ll be cool with it, I promise.

RACHEL: But she’s not alone in there.

CHANDLER: (Surprised, turns to face Ross and Rachel.) She’s not?

ROSS: No. She ran into an old friend of hers and brought him home.

CHANDLER: (Shocked and hurt.) She- she what?

ROSS: I think maybe she had a little too much to drink. I would have stopped her but Rachel and I were at the movies.

CHANDLER: So he- he’s in there right now?

RACHEL: Yeah. His name’s Devon something. We met him a few hours ago when he went out for a glass of water.

CHANDLER: (Bitter.) Oh so his name’s Devon something? Devon. What the hell kinda name is that?!

ROSS: Isn’t that one of your cousins’ name?

CHANDLER: I don’t get it I mean how could she sleep with some guy that she met a club?

RACHEL: He’s an old friend.

CHANDLER: But it’s been a long time!

ROSS: Why are you so upset about this?

CHANDLER: I am not upset! I’m just concerned for my friend, that’s all! That’s all it is! Just being concerned! What like you’ve never been worried for me when I went home with someone that I found at some club?

ROSS: Well it’s not like we’ve had the opportunity. . .

CHANDLER: So uh- what does he look like?

RACHEL: Why, you want to ask him out?

CHANDLER: Just tell me.

RACHEL: He was good-looking.

CHANDLER: Dammit!

ROSS: Shhh- you’ll wake them.

CHANDLER: (Relieved.) They’re not awake.

RACHEL: Well not anymore. But you should’ve heard them before-

CHANDLER: Oh would you give it a rest already!

SCENE H:

(It’s the girls’ apartment. Ross and Rachel are cooking breakfast.)

ROSS: Are the waffles done yet?

RACHEL: No, any luck on the maple syrup?

ROSS: None. Think that Joey and Chandler have any?

RACHEL: What are you kidding?

ROSS: Oh, I just realized.

RACHEL: Well what about jam?

ROSS: (Peeking into he fridge.) Nope- Joey must have been here.

RACHEL: It’s OK. We can just put some strawberries on them.

ROSS: Oh but we already used those to replace the grapes.

RACHEL: Damn that Joey!

ROSS: (Goes over to Rachel and puts his arms around her.) It’s OK. (Puts his hand on her cheek.) I’ll run out and get us some.

RACHEL: (Kisses Ross very softly on the mouth.) No I will.

ROSS: (Kissing Rachel’s forehead.) I wouldn’t let you.

CHANDLER: (From the couch.) OK if you guys promise to stop doing that I’ll go get them.

SCENE I:

(It’s the guy’s apartment. Joey’s sitting in his chair watching TV.)

PHOEBE: (Coming out of Joey’s room wearing a curly brown afro wig.) OK, let’s go!

JOEY: (Jumps out his chair.) What the hell are you?!

PHOEBE: OK maybe we haven’t been spending enough time together.

JOEY: Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Why is there a dog on your head?

PHOEBE: It’s not a dog Joey it’s a wig! It’s going to help us get past security at Chandler’s work.

JOEY: How?

PHOEBE: Well Chandler told them to be on the lookout for a pregnant blonde woman, right?

JOEY: (Nods.)

PHOEBE: Well it’s a disguise.

JOEY: (Wrinkling his forehead.) Well I hate to break it to you Phoebe but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

PHOEBE: No?

JOEY: It’s obviously a wig.

PHOEBE: Hmmm. I really didn’t put enough effort then. Don’t worry. I’m an expert at disguise I just haven’t been using my talents.

JOEY: Why not?

PHOEBE: Because I don’t think it’s fair to the other super heroes.

SCENE J:

(It’s outside Chandler’s office building. There’s a security guard hanging out around the door. Phoebe and Joey approach. Phoebe’s wearing a long loose black dress. On her head is a curly red wig and her eyes are smothered with blue eyeshadow. Joey’s wearing a purple and blue striped suit and his hair is black. He’s also equipped with Elvis-wannabe sunglasses.)

SECURITY GUARD: (Stares at them strangely.)

PHOEBE: (In a southern accent.) Well I suppose we’ll be going in now. To like um- you know . . . meet our client.

JOEY: (Nods.)

JOEY+PHOEBE: (Attempt to enter.)

SECURITY GUARD: Um excuse me?

PHOEBE: Yes?

SECURITY GUARD: Could I please have your names?

PHOEBE: Why?

SECURITY GUARD: Well. . .not to be rude but you do seem to be a little. . .

PHOEBE: A little what?

SECURITY GUARD: Suspicious.

PHOEBE: How so?

SECURITY GUARD: Well it’s just-

JOEY: (Cutting the security guard off he speaks in a very deep voice like he did when he called Mrs. Buffay in THE ONE WITH PHOEBE’S DAD.) Well now. . . see here Mr., my girlfriend and I, we’re just trying to go about our business.

SECURITY GUARD: Now that’s all good and well Sir but could I please have your girlfriend’s name?

PHOEBE: It’s Filangi. . . Regina Filangi.

SECURITY GUARD: (Points to Joey.) And him?

JOEY: Uh. . . Holden McGroin.

SECURITY GUARD: Would you happen to know a Ms. Buffi (he pronounces it so that it sounds like “Goofy”) or a Mr. Tribbiano?

PHOEBE a.k.a. Regina Filangi: Sir, I can honestly say that we have never met a Ms. Buffi or a Mr. Tribbiano.

JOEY a.k.a. Holden McGroin: But I think he meant-

PHOEBE a.k.a. Regina Filangi: Silence Holden! (To Security Guard.) Poor dear talks too much.

SCENE J:

(It’s Chandler’s office. We hear a buzz.)

CHANDLER: (Presses a button.) Yes Helen?

HELEN: A Mr. And Miss. Geller are here. They claim to be your friends.

CHANDLER: Well you can send in Ross but I’m not so sure about the other one.

HELEN: They say they have to talk to you about that Phoebe girl that called about a million times yesterday.

CHANDLER: Well then they’re both welcome . . .I guess.

PHOEBE+JOEY: (Enter and close the door behind them.)

CHANDLER: No! Helen, help me!

PHOEBE: Oh would you just stop being such a baby!

CHANDLER: Helen! There’s a pregnant hooker in here with her pimp!

PHOEBE: Amusing but Tiffany will be over here any minute now.

CHANDLER: How’d you get her to come over here?

PHOEBE: We told her that we might want to hire her for our salon?

CHANDLER: What salon?

PHOEBE: Regina’s salon- would you please keep up?

(We hear a buzz.)

CHANDLER: (Goes over to his desk and presses a button.) Is Tiffany there?

HELEN: (Dryly.) How’d you guess?

CHANDLER: Just send her in.

TIFFANY: (Steps in. She’s played by Sarah Michelle Geller.)

JOEY+CHANDLER: (Mouths drop open.)

TIFFANY: (To Phoebe.) Ms. Filangi?

PHOEBE: That would be me. I’d like you to meet my associate Mr. Joseph Tribbiani. (Stares at Joey whose jaw is still on the floor.) Stop it, you’re scaring her.

SCENE K:

(It’s Central Perk. Ross and Rachel and on the right corner of the couch. Phoebe’s in the middle and Chandler’s on the left. Rachel on the right chair and Joey’s on the left.)

ROSS: So we called the supermarket and from now on we’re having the grapes delivered every Friday.

MONICA: OK, does everyone have to know that?

PHOEBE: I actually found it interesting. Do you think they could start delivering my fruit loops?

CHANDLER: Lucky you, they’re already in your head.

PHOEBE: Hey for your information my fruit loops head came up with the plan that ultimately got Frank and Alice back together.

JOEY: Yes and- (Goes over to Phoebe and hugs her tightly)- I love you for it.

PHOEBE: Um- Joey that’s great but I think you’re going to squeeze the babies out of me if you continue to do that.

JOEY: (Let’s go.) Oops, sorry.

MONICA: So you’re certain that Tiffany will stay away from Frank?

PHOEBE: Excuse me, did you not hear that she has the opportunity to go out with Joey? Now I taught him well.

JOEY: Speaking of which, well taught Joey is meeting Tiffany right now. She asked for you to join us.

PHOEBE: No, I don’t really feel like getting dressed up right now. Sorry.

ROSS: Joey, how much longer do you estimate you’ll be dressing like a loan shark?

JOEY: If a hot 22-year old girl likes it- forever.

RACHEL: Well when is the black dye going to wash out?

JOEY: Whenever I want it to. It’s spray. I was thinking about maybe putting a little bit of gel on it, you know?

CHANDLER: Now Ross can help you out with that.

ROSS: Actually. . . I could. Joey, which brand name would you prefer?

JOEY: I don’t know but I just want to get myself a look going on.

CHANDLER: Yes and the look just screams polyester.

JOEY: Hey do you ever hear me complain about your sweater vests?

CHANDLER: What’s wrong with them?

PHOEBE: Nothing except that you seem to have a collection.

CHANDLER: Oh and I suppose wearing pencils would really update my wardrobe?

PHOEBE: Couldn’t hurt.

ROSS: (Stands up.) Hey, we need to get going. The video rental place closes at nine.

RACHEL: Oh OK. (Gets up.)

JOEY: Yeah I’ve got to get going to.

JOEY+ROSS+RACHEL: (Exit.)

PHOEBE: (Gets up.) The loo calls. (Begins to walk to the bathroom.)

MONICA: (Staring after her.) What did she just say?

CHANDLER: That she’s going to go meet some Lou guy.

MONICA: (Stands up.) I’m going to head off.

CHANDLER: Meeting Devon?

MONICA: (Freezes. She turns to Chandler and walks back to the couch before sitting down again.) So you heard about him?

CHANDLER: I spent the night last night to get away from Phoebe.

MONICA: Oh. . . are you mad?

CHANDLER: Oh, am I mad that you came to your senses- of course not.

MONICA: You know I never meant it to come off like that.

CHANDLER: I know. You’re smart Monica. I can’t blame you for figuring out that dating me would not be a good idea.

MONICA: Chandler. . .

CHANDLER: Yeah I know. So. . .do you like this Devon guy a lot?

MONICA: No. Actually I consider him a drunken mistake.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah- why’s that?

MONICA: Because he’s the most arrogant prick I’ve ever met. He spent most of this morning hitting on Rachel and Ross spent most of this morning wanting to kill him.

CHANDLER: Oh. Well I know that feeling.

PHOEBE: (Comes back.) Do you think I should order apple or peach pie?

MONICA: I prefer apple myself.

CHANDLER: So how was Lou?

PHOEBE: Kind of dirty. I figured I could wait until I got home.

CHANDLER: Why, who’s at home?

PHOEBE: Oh ew! (Gets up.) I’m leaving! (Exits.)

CHANDLER: (To Monica.) What did I say?

SCENE L:

(It’s the girls’ apartment. Nobody’s around. Phoebe and Joey enter.)

JOEY: So where do you think everyone is? (Takes a seat at the table.)

PHOEBE: Isn’t it obvious?

JOEY: What?

PHOEBE: Well. . . notice all this cooking crap spread around?

JOEY: (Nods.)

PHOEBE: It look like Monica was making something and then ran out of ingredients so she went to pick them up.

JOEY: And Chandler?

PHOEBE: It’s like eight o’clock. He’s probably at Central Perk.

JOEY: Mmm-hmm and Ross and Rachel?

PHOEBE: (Clears her throat while pointing to a bowl of grapes sitting on the couch.)

JOEY: Oh. (Pause.) Want to join Chandler?

PHOEBE: Yeah I think so.

JOET+PHOEBE: (Make their way to the door.)