By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)

(I am in no way associated with NBC or their sitcom Friends. This fanfic supposedly takes place after "The One With The Grapes." Sarah Michelle Gellar’s back as Tiffany. Feedback is welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com)

THE ONE WHERE RACHEL SMOTHERS BEN

SCENE A:

(It’s Central Perk. Chandler’s in the left chair, reading the newspaper. Ross and Rachel are on the right side of the couch and Phoebe on the left. Monica’s sitting on the right chair.)

JOEY: (Enters. He walks over and stands in between Monica and Phoebe.) Can I ask you guys something?

MONICA: Sure, what?

JOEY: Well I was just out with Tiffany last night and somehow, maybe it was after a couple of drinks and stuff, she managed to convince me to do this! (Pushes up his sleeve so that we can see an "I love Tiffany" red heart tattoo on his upper right arm.)

CHANDLER: Oh… how original.

JOEY: (Squeezes in between Phoebe and Ross and Rachel.) I don’t know what to do. I really like her- I mean, she’s hot! But if I have to go through one more night of looking through her Freddie Prince something pictures and her playing with my hair- I’m gonna shoot myself!

RACHEL: Now you tell her that and you won’t have a problem anymore.

MONICA: Joey, aren’t you going to have that tattoo removed?

JOEY: Yes and it’s going to cost me like… a million dollars!

PHOEBE: Wow. Hey I know it’s none of my business or anything but I really think they’re overcharging.

JOEY: What am I going to do about this?

PHOEBE: You could start by asking Monica. I’m sure she has plenty of info about dating men from a wide variety of age groups.

MONICA: (Gives Phoebe a look.)

JOEY: Well? (Gazing at Monica expectantly.)

MONICA: Gee, I don’t know Jo. Ethan never… played with my hair. Ross did though, why don’t you ask him. Ross?

ENTIRE GANG: (Stares at Ross.)

ROSS: OK. I um, kinda went through this phase when I was five where I wanted to be a barber.

PHOEBE: You mean being a paleontologist wasn’t your lifelong dream? That is so sad.

ROSS: What? You always wanted to be a masseuse?

PHOEBE: Well… not exactly.

ROSS: Then what?

PHOEBE: I always wanted to be a masseuse, but not necessarily to humans.

CHANDLER: So you wanted to massage "your people"?

PHOEBE: (Glaring at Chandler.) For your information I wanted to massage panda bears.

ROSS: Wh- why would you want to do that?

PHOEBE: Because they’re so cute.

ROSS: But there’s no job for-

RACHEL: (Interrupting Ross.) Honey, just let it go.

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE B:

[Girl’s apartment. From left to right: Ross, Rachel, and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Joey’s in the chair that sits in front of the window. Phoebe’s sitting on the floor by Chandler’s feet. They’re all watching TV (a movie).]

MONICA: (Enters. Excited.) Hey guys! The interview went really well and tomorrow I’m getting interviewed by some other person! Can you believe that?! Another interview! It looks like I’m going to get the job, right?!

EVERYONE: (Ignores her.)

MONICA: OK, I said that out loud right?

PHOEBE: (Takes the remote, points it in the VCR’s direction, and presses a button.)

JOEY/ROSS/RACHEL/CHANDLER: Phoebe!/What are you doing?!/Put it back on!/Oh come on! I want to see what happens!

PHOEBE: Now, now. Monica has something to say. And isn’t polite to interrupt her. Continue Monica.

EVERYONE: (Stares at Monica expectantly.)

MONICA: (Staring back at them.) Oh great… a grammar school flashback.

ROSS: Just tell us so we can back to the- err… congratulate you.

MONICA: Not that it matters now but the interview went well, I got another one, and it looks like I’m going to get the job.

JOEY: Does this mean that I’ll get to eat the leftovers from the restaurant?

MONICA: (Sarcastic.) Wow, I never knew you were this supportive of me.

JOEY: Oops, sorry. Congrats Mon!

EVERYONE ELSE: (Murmurs various "congratulations" before returning to the TV.)

PHOEBE: (Presses the remote and turns the movie back on.)

MONICA: (Insulted expression on her face. Angry.) OK, you know what? Just for that I’m telling you that Mitchell Brawning was the killer all long.

EVERYONE: (Glares at Monica.)

ROSS: (Gets up and walks over to the door.) Well now that that’s spoiled I’m going to pick up Ben.

RACHEL: (Following Ross.) OK, I’ll join you.

ROSS: Oh really?

RACHEL: (Nods and smiles.)

ROSS: (Slips her arm over Rachel’s shoulders.) Well that’s great. It’ll be just like old times.

RACHEL: What do you mean?

ROSS: You know with you and me… and Ben. This is nice. It’ll give him the chance to get to know you again.

RACHEL: (Pushes Ross’s arm off her shoulders and steps back.) What are you saying- that Ben doesn’t know me anymore?

ROSS: No, it’s just that-

RACHEL: (Cutting Ross off.) Just what?

ROSS: (Half jokingly-half nervous.) Well it has been a while, you know?

RACHEL: I don’t know where you get off saying that Ben doesn’t know me anymore. He’s over here at least twice a week because Monica babysits him!

CHANDLER: Yes but when was the last time you helped her out?

RACHEL: (Shoots him a look.)

CHANDLER: It really isn’t any of my business, is it?

ROSS: Rachel, sweetie, I didn’t mean anything offensive by it, really- I just said that it’s been a while since you and Ben have spent time together, that’s all.

RACHEL: Hey I’ll have you know that that kid loves me!

PHOEBE: Well who doesn’t?

RACHEL: Thank you Phoebe. See? She gets it. And soon you will too. We’re going. (Grabs Ross’s hand and pulls him to the door. Opens door.) And when we see him you will see how much Ben and I connect.

ROSS: (Gives the rest of the group a confused and frightened look before Rachel drags him and closes the door.)

CHANDLER: Well I know who we can thank for Rachel’s newfound maternal instinct.

(Stares at Monica.)

JOEY: (Starts laughing.)

MONICA: Aren’t you just barrel of laughs? And I know who we can thank for your fear of commitment and three year-old view on relationships. (Points to Joey.)

JOEY: Hey he was screwed up before I met him.

CHANDLER: (Sarcastic.) Ah, the comforts of a best friend.

PHOEBE: Um, Chandler and Monica, I’d just like to state on behalf of Ross, who couldn't be here right now, it’s not who it’s whom.

SCENE C:

(If you’ve been paying attention to Friends, you would’ve noticed that across from Central Perk there’s a magazine stand. Anyway, that’s the setting for this scene. Joey and Tiffany are looking through magazines.)

JOEY: So Tiffany, how much longer do you think you’re going to take?

TIFFANY: Just until I find Seventeen. (She’s holding a stack of about eight magazines.)

JOEY: Oh, oh look I found it! Now we can go! (Shoves a magazine in Tiffany’s face.)

TIFFANY: No silly. That’s Teen. And I already have it.

JOEY: Well… how about these? (Holds up two more magazines.)

TIFFANY: That’s Teen Beat and that’s Teen People. And I already got those too! Could you hold these for a second? (Shoves now twelve magazines into Joey’s arms.)

JOEY: (Nearly topples over but regains balance.) What do you do with all of these after you read them?

TIFFANY: I cut out all the pictures of cute guys and recycle everything else. I happen to think it’s very important to save the earth. I mean without the earth… where would we live?

JOEY: Uh… Mars?

TIFFANY: (Stops searching and stares at Joey, impressed.) You know I never thought of that. You’re really smart Joey!

JOEY: (Proud.) I know.

TIFFANY: OK, I’m done now. (Goes over to pay and sets down three magazines.)

JOEY: (Sets down the twelve magazines.)

GUY WHO IS… CALCULATING HOW MUCH SHE OWES: Fifty-two seventy-five.

TIFFANY: (Grimacing.) Dollars?

JOEY: No, he wants you to pay with coconuts. Whoa, whoa I’ve been hanging out too much with Chandler.

TIFFANY: Um Joey… sweetheart, would you mind lending me some cash?

JOEY: How much cash are you talking about?

TIFFANY: (Sheepish.) About forty dollars.

JOEY: Forty bucks! Does money grow on bushes?!

TIFFANY: Huh?

JOEY: I mean- trees!

TIFFANY: But I left my money in my other purse. And I can pay you back… in a little while. It would only be this one time, please? (Bats her eyes.)

JOEY: Fine. (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet.) I just hope you know this is getting to be a very expensive relationship.

SCENE D:

(It’s a restaurant kitchen. Monica walks in and a man in a fine suit follows.)

MONICA: Well, was there anything else you needed me to do?

INTERVIEWER (MAN IN FINE SUIT): I just needed to ask you a few more questions. First of all, do you have a favorite soap?

MONICA: What… like a hand soap?

INTERVIEWER: No, no. Just soap.

MONICA: I’m sorry. I can’t say that I have.

INTERVIEWER: What about shampoo?

MONICA: No… well I change the brand depending on the weekdays-

INTERVIEWER: (Interrupting Monica.) Bath salts?

MONICA: OK, unless you’re asking me to cook inside a bathroom, I don’t find this necessary at all.

INTERVIEWER: (Slightly surprised.) Did someone tell you already?

MONICA: (Suspicious.) Tell me what?

INTERVIEWER: Well, about the bathroom-

MONICA: (Cutting him off.) Oh I don’t believe this. Is no one normal anymore? It’s like a curse! (Exits.)

INTERVIEWER: No no wait! We just ordered a new tub!

SCENE E:

(Guy’s apartment. Chandler’s in his chair and Monica’s in Joey’s. Ross is sitting at the bar.)

MONICA: It was unbelievable! And as I was leaving he said something about a tub!

CHANDLER: I still don’t get it- he wants you to cook while bathing?

MONICA: I don’t know. It doesn’t make any sense. You think I should let people know about this?

CHANDLER: What do you mean?

MONICA: You know, just… tell them about what’s going on. What this guy wants to do.

CHANDLER: You’re not even sure of what this guy wants to do. You should talk to him again.

ROSS: Hey could we please pay attention to my problem now?

MONICA: (Turning to Ross. Sarcastic.) So sorry, how selfish are we?

CHANDLER: What’s your problem?

ROSS: Rachel! (Stands up and begins pacing.) I have no idea what’s wrong with her, she- she won’t leave Ben alone!

MONICA: In what way?

ROSS: In every way! It’s like she’s- she’s spending every free moment with Ben! The second she’s off work she’s all "Ross, go get Ben," and "Ross, wouldn’t it be great if we took Ben to the museum?" and the- the "toy store," and the… "aquarium." She’s even over at Carol and Susan’s right now, helping Susan watch him.

MONICA: So what’s wrong with that? She wants to spend time with her boyfriend’s son. That’s a beautiful thing.

ROSS: But this is Rachel! If anything she’s afraid of commitment, and the future… and um… kids.

CHANDLER: Ross, I’d just like to point out that Monica isn’t really the best the person to talk to about women and children. Her uterus outweighs her brain.

MONICA: I don’t even want to begin to tell you about what part of males outweigh their brains.

JOEY: (Enters.) I cannot believe her! Not only am I wearing this stupid suit and spraying my hair to keep up this character for her, now she’s sucking up all my money. I’m broke!

MONICA: (To Chandler.) Ah, and there’s a perfect example.

CHANDLER: (To Joey.) How much did you spend on her?

JOEY: Forty bucks!

ROSS: And you’re broke?

JOEY: Duh!

MONICA: Just break up with her.

JOEY: But look at her! Would you guys break up with her? (Looks to Ross and Chandler.)

CHANDLER: She’s over eighteen, under twenty-five, and willing. What are you nuts?

JOEY: (Directs his gaze to Ross.)

ROSS: Don’t look at me. I’m with someone. I can’t answer those kinds of questions anymore.

JOEY: (Walks over so that he’s in front of Chandler and Monica.) I mean what am I gonna do, huh? (Looks at Monica, frowning.) Monica!

MONICA: Oops, sorry! (Gets up so that Joey can sit in his chair.)

SCENE F:

(It’s outside Carol and Susan’s apartment. Ross knocks on the door. Susan opens it. Now we see Ross standing in the doorway from inside Carol and Susan’s apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch with Ben on her lap.)

SUSAN: (Sarcastic.) Oh goody. Just who I needed to brighten up my day.

ROSS: Yeah, same here. Rach, you ready?

RACHEL: Uh-huh. (Gets up, holding Ben.) Hey Ben, I thought that tomorrow you, me, and Ross could do something. Maybe we could go to Daddy’s work or maybe even- to my work! You’re into fashion right?

BEN: (Happily.) OK.

ROSS: (Stares at them, alarmed.)

RACHEL: (Kisses Ben’s cheek and hands him to Susan.) I’ll see you later.

SUSAN: My pleasure! Bye Ben! Say goodbye to Daddy!

BEN: Bye Daddy!

ROSS: (A bit dazed.) Bye!

RACHEL+ROSS: (Exit.)

(Outside the hallway.)

RACHEL: So did Monica mention what happened with that interview?

ROSS: Why are you doing this?

RACHEL: (Confused.) Doing what?

ROSS: Hanging around Ben so much, it’s like you’re- smothering him or something!

RACHEL: (Laughing at first.) Smothering him? Ross, have you gone insane?

ROSS: I’m not insane. You were just talking about taking him to Bloomingdale’s! What’s going on?!

RACHEL: I’m just spending a little time with you son Ross, I- I don’t understand what’s the matter with you?

ROSS: But you’re spending too much time Rachel, there- there has to be a reason!

RACHEL: Well you’re not going to find out if you don’t stop attacking me like this! (Stomps off, angry.)

ROSS: (Stares after her, hands on his hips.)

SUSAN: (Opens the door and peeks her head out.) Trouble in paradise?

SCENE G:

(It’s the guy’s apartment. Chandler’s watching TV in his chair. Phoebe’s watching in Joey’s chair. Joey comes out of his room in his bad suit with his black hair.)

CHANDLER: I would think you’d have changed by now.

JOEY: I’m seeing Tiffany again. I’m taking her to the zoo.

CHANDLER: I guess you’re not looking to camouflage. (Indicating Joey’s cheesy bright suit.)

PHOEBE: So what are you guys gonna do at the zoo?

JOEY: Stare at a bunch of animals. What do you think we’d do?

PHOEBE: Ooo! Can I come?

JOEY: But you’re not all dressed up.

PHOEBE: Hmm… would it help if I put on sunglasses?

CHANDLER: OK, Joey, in all seriousness, just dump her.

PHOEBE: I agree. She’s a mean little… (bitter) homewrecker.

JOEY: But she’s a hot homewrecker.

CHANDLER: Yes but she’s also a hot homewrecker who made you watch Grease thirteen times in the past forty-eight hours.

JOEY: (Proud.) She says I remind her of John Travolta.

PHOEBE: (Starts laughing.)

JOEY: (Stares at her, insulted.)

PHOEBE: I’m sorry honey, it’s just so- (breaks into laughter again.)

SCENE H:

(Restaurant’s kitchen. The interviewer is conversing with another woman at the moment.)

MONICA: (Enters.) Uh, excuse me?

INTERVIEWER: (To the other woman.) Could you hold on for a second?

OTHER WOMAN: (Nods and exits.)

INTERVIEWER: Thanks to your snooty little exit the position has been filled.

MONICA: OK, I just need to say something. Umm… you see for a while now, well, maybe my entire professional life after college, things have been very difficult for me. I mean you think you’ve got a job but the next day you-

INTERVIEWER: Do you have a point because my time is precious?

MONICA: Well I um, can’t find work. Because the people that are to be my potential bosses either… smoke pot or are (shivers) too perverted, which I’m sure you are too, and- and then a land a job at some cheesy 50s theme diner and then Pete-

INTERVIEWER: (Cutting Monica off.) Point! Point! (Taps his watch.)

MONICA: OK, look. I deserve a job. And not just any job, a normal one. Now I may not be willing to do… whatever it is you want me to do… but I can cook! I can cook well. And correct me if I’m wrong but you asked for a "chef." You can hire another girl to do whatever else you want but I promise you that if you hire me for the kitchen you won’t be sorry.

INTERVIEWER: Is that all?

MONICA: Yes.

INTERVIEWER: I could get you a temp job at the strip club across the street. Right now it looks as if you’ll have to be the bartender but if you play your cards right I may promote you to the girl who passes out the cherries. What do you say?

MONICA: (Blinks, before saying:) Why do I even bother? (Exits.)

SCENE I:

(Ross’s apartment. Rachel enters, slamming the door behind her. Ross enters.)

RACHEL: Stay away from me Ross! I’m just going to grab my stuff I left here this morning and then I’ll be on my way! And don’t even think about stopping by the coffeehouse later!

ROSS: I think we should talk about this.

RACHEL: About what? About the fact that you don’t want me to come within four feet of your child?!

ROSS: I never told you that!

RACHEL: (Facing Ross, hands on hips.) Then what did you say?

ROSS: (Takes a deep breath, looks down and then up.) Do you want to have a baby with me Rachel? I mean, is that what this is all about?

RACHEL: (Shocked expression on her face.) Huh?

ROSS: Because I would be absolutely fine with it, I just- I didn’t expect it so soon… from you.

RACHEL: (Hand on forehead.) Oh gosh, I think I’m feeling a bit dizzy right now.

ROSS: Rachel, could we please talk here?

RACHEL: (Takes her hand off her forehead.) OK Ross. Having a baby is with you definitely not why I’ve been hanging around with Ben so often. I mean, I adore Ben, but that’s not why.

ROSS: Then why?

RACHEL: (Walks over to Ross. Standing in front of him.) It was to establish some, um… security.

ROSS: (Confused.) Security?

RACHEL: Ross, I know that you’ve sort of… outlined our future. And that someday you want to have- all that family stuff. I know that you want more… (gulps) children and uh, a wife who is a good… (takes a deep breath) mother.

ROSS: You uh, you don’t think I think you would make a good mother?

RACHEL: It’s not that, I just- I just don’t want to disappoint you… in any way.

ROSS: But Rachel, how could you ever disappoint me?

RACHEL: Well I must have done something wrong along the way to lead to us breaking up.

ROSS: No, no, that was all my fault. I was jealous and… I slept with another woman Rachel. If anything you should still be disappointed in me.

RACHEL: (Agreeing tone.) I know. (Hugs his waist.) But… we were on a break.

[*Author’s note. So sorry you had to hear that line again but it’s not used negatively this time, so… :-)]

ROSS+ RACHEL: (Lean in and kiss one of those very romantic kisses that we’ve seen around Season 2 and Season 3. It’s been a while.)

SCENE J:

(Guy’s apartment. No one’s around.)

MONICA: (Enters and then kicks the door.) Ow!

CHANDLER: Hey Monica. Did you get it?

MONICA: (Bitter.) No… but I did get an offering to join the fine establishment of the Boom Boom Room across the street.

CHANDLER: Oh great! That’s where Joey and I go every Friday night.

MONICA: Well then I won’t be seeing you Friday.

(We hear a noise from Chandler’s room. Scuffling around the floor… I don’t know. Use your imagination.)

MONICA: (Curious.) Who’s in there?

CHANDLER: No one.

MONICA: Well then who made that noise?

(The duck exits the room, quacking away. The chick follows.)

MONICA: (Stares at Chandler, smiling mischievously.)

CHANDLER: What?

MONICA: This is the point where you’d say "it’s not what it looks like."

CHANDLER: Oh grow up!

MONICA: (Goes over and sits in Joey’s chair.) Well… at least teasing you made me feel a little better.

CHANDLER: What’s the big deal? There will be other opportunities.

MONICA: I know… but the nice restaurant, the kitchen, the follow-up interview… it seemed so perfect. I was so hopeful.

CHANDLER: But there will be other opportunities.

MONICA: Chandler I don’t want any other opportunities. I miss having a job! I miss stability! And now I’m always barely paying rent though catering job payments. And I only cater like twice a month! Oh and I miss buying myself that very expensive coat I pass by in the mall. Or the shoes… or the purse… or the (voice becomes tearful and choked up)… cute little one point five karat diamond engagement ring in the red velvet case!

CHANDLER: (Confused.) But you’re not getting married.

MONICA: (Now crying.) You’re supposed to be cheering me up!

CHANDLER: (Frantic and nervous.) OK, OK, um… don’t cry. It’s going to be fine. You want presents?! I can get you presents! We’ll go to the mall right now and get you something?! What do you say?

MONICA: (Still crying.) No.

CHANDLER: OK um… (grabs the remote off his chair and turns on the TV)… what about… (hopefully) Home Shopping Network?

MONICA: (Still crying.) No!

CHANDLER: (Runs nervously to the kitchen.) OK… uh… (Snatches something from the cupboard, rushes back to Monica, and sets it in her lap.)… here.

MONICA: (Examines the object.) What’s this?

CHANDLER: Oh it’s from last year. It’s a fruitcake. (*Sorry, couldn’t resist a lame Christmas joke.)

MONICA: Give it to Joey. He’ll eat anything.

CHANDLER: Yeah he- uh, he actually tried and he broke his tooth. And I ended up paying the dentist bill.

MONICA: (Laughing a bit.) That sounds like Joey.

CHANDLER: Yeah… You feel better?

MONICA: Well a little but I’m not done complaining yet. Where was I? Oh yeah, the whole "miss" thing. You know what else I miss?

CHANDLER: (Sighing.) No but enlighten me, please.

MONICA: Not having enough money to get you guys little gifts. Remember all those cute little gifts I used to get you? The windex and the- the furniture polish?

CHANDLER: Yeah…. Yeah. We really miss those.

MONICA: Uggh. I just want a job again.

CHANDLER: Then go back there.

PHOEBE: (Enters.) Go back where?

MONICA: That jerk at the restaurant turned me down again.

PHOEBE: Oh I just heard. I’m sorry honey.

CHANDLER: How could you have heard?

PHOEBE: Uh hello, the spirit in my bathroom told me.

MONICA: As if I haven’t heard enough about bathrooms today.

CHANDLER: And what does this spirit look like?

PHOEBE: Actually, he reminds me of you.

MONICA: OK guys. Focus, focus.

CHANDLER: I already told you I think you should go back.

MONICA: What are you crazy? It just keeps getting worse and worse, I mean- if I go back there again he may offer me a job as a prostitute!

CHANDLER: Then we should lend him Joey’s suit.

PHOEBE: Wait, is his hair blue?

MONICA: (Staring at Phoebe strangely.) No.

PHOEBE: Oh good. There’s no chance of a restraining order then.

CHANDLER: So what Phoebe is saying is-

MONICA: (Cutting Chandler off.) Oh my gosh! You guys!

CHANDLER: Well… I was going to say something funny about a smirf but you don’t get to hear it anymore.

MONICA: Thanks, I’ll live.

PHOEBE: Chandler’s right. You should go back there! Show him that you’re determined! That’s a good quality.

MONICA: Phoebe, he doesn’t care about that! He’s a sick freak!

JOEY: (Runs in and slams the door behind him. His back pressed against the door, he says in a desperate tone:) Listen, guys, you’ve gotta help me! Tiffany’s down at Central Perk with two N’Sync tickets and I don’t know how to get out of it! And pretty soon, she’s gonna figure out that I’m not in the bathroom!

MONICA: (Sarcastic.) Ooo, I just love that word.

PHOEBE: Hold on- why does she think that you’re in the bathroom?

MONICA: And there it is again.

JOEY: Because I told her I was so I could get away!

CHANDLER: Look, why don’t you just break it off with her?

JOEY: Because she’s-

MONICA+PHOEBE: (In unison.) Hot.

JOEY: (Thoughtful.) How many times have I said that?

PHOEBE: Just dump her. She’s a nuisance. A little… husband stealing nuisance.

JOEY: But she’s a hot-

CHANDLER+PHOEBE+ MONICA: (In unison.) husband stealing nuisance.

CHANDLER: (To Monica.) So, you gonna go or not?

MONICA: Um… yes. Yes I am! (Gets up, determined.) I’m going to march back there and demand the job that is rightfully mine! I’m not going to let someone like him boss me around anymore!

JOEY: (Moved by Monica’s determination.) Yeah! And I’m not going to let Tiffany boss me around anymore!

MONICA: You serious?

JOEY: You’re damn right I am!

MONICA: Well all right then! Let’s go kick some ass!

JOEY: Yeah!

MONICA: Yeah!

JOEY: (Rushes out the door.)

CHANDLER: Oh Mon? Isn’t that restaurant across town?

MONICA: (Heading towards the door.) Yeah, why?

CHANDLER: Well that’s really far away, you might wanna make a quick stop at the bathroom before you go.

MONICA: (Does the "way of giving the finger without actually giving it" and exits.)

SCENE K:

(Central Perk. Tiffany’s sitting at the counter, checking her watch, Joey’s behind her, nervous.)

TIFFANY: (Gets up and turns around. Surprised.) Joey! You’ve been in the bathroom for like fifteen minutes!

JOEY: Yeah um, I had too much coffee.

TIFFANY: But we haven’t even ordered.

JOEY: Err… too much coffee this morning.

TIFFANY: Oh. So you ready for the concert? Oh my gosh, there’s like this guy called Joey in the group and if we get pulled on stage- well, I always do we can like totally talk to them about that. Cause you know Joey (points to Joey) Joey!

JOEY: (Gulps) I-

TIFFANY: (Interrupting) What! What! (Hops some more.)

JOEY: (Covering his eyes.) No no no! No hopping! No hopping! (Uncovers his eyes) Look Tiffany, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

TIFFANY: Huh?

JOEY: Yeah… I- I wanna break up.

TIFFANY: Why?

JOEY: Huh?

TIFFANY: I mean, not to be conceited or anything but look at me.

JOEY: (Covers his eyes again.) That’s what I’m trying not to do.

TIFFANY: (Pauses to think for a moment. Covers her mouth as if in sudden realization.) Oh my gosh! I get it!

JOEY: (Uncovers his right eye.) Get what?

TIFFANY: I-I should’ve known when you told me you were living with that Chandler guy!

JOEY: (Uncovers his left eye.) Oh my gosh, no! Tiffany… you- you couldn’t possibly be suggesting that-

TIFFANY: (Very loud.) I just can’t believe that you’re gay!

EVERYONE IN CENTRAL PERK (a.k.a. extras): (Turn and stare at Joey.)

JOEY: (Is horrified.)

GUNTHER: (Walking past them.) You couldn’t tell from what he was wearing?

JOEY: (Stares after Gunther.) It’s not like your much of an improvement yourself man!

SCENE L:

(It’s the girl’s apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting across from each other at the table. Joey’s in front of them.)

PHOEBE: So you really broke up with her?

JOEY: I really broke up with her! I showed her who was boss!

MONICA: (Enters.)

PHOEBE: All I can say is, I’m proud of you.

CHANDLER: Yeah me too Joey.

MONICA: Why are you proud of him?

PHOEBE: Joey actually dumped Tiffany.

MONICA: Oh and does this (mischievous) have anything to do with the fact that you um… came out?

CHANDLER+PHOEBE: (Look at Joey.)

JOEY: (After an awkward pause.) All right, who told you?

MONICA: Gunther. In fact I remember him saying something about posting it on the internet.

JOEY: (To Chandler.) This is all your fault!

CHANDLER: How is it my fault? I don’t even know what’s going on.

JOEY: It’s because of you that Tiffany thinks I’m gay!

CHANDLER: I never told her that!

JOEY: You didn’t have to! She just assumed that because I live with you that I’m gay!

CHANDLER: Well that’s ridiculous- why would she think you were gay just because you lived with me?

PHOEBE: (Taking Chandler’s hand.) Chandler, honey, now we’ve been through this before.

MONICA: Aw, I think it’s cute. Joey and Chandler, sitting in a tree-

CHANDLER: (Cutting Monica off.) If you go any further into that rhyme I will personally throw this glass of milk (holds up glass) on your floor!

JOEY: And I’ll let the chick and the duck in.

ROSS+RACHEL: (Enter, kissing and their arms around each other.)

CHANDLER: You are aware that there are… other people here, right?

ROSS+RACHEL: (Stop and look at everyone.)

RACHEL: Hey I live here!

PHOEBE: Well most of the time- so do we.

RACHEL: (To Monica.) About the job?

MONICA: Uggh. I went back- no job. And I almost went back again before I got a call for a different interview at a much nicer restaurant when I went to go grab my jacket.

PHOEBE: Well good for you. I think we should all do something to celebrate!

CHANDLER: Oh great. I guess this means we’re up for another round of cappuccinos at good old Central Perk.

PHOEBE: Well do we have anything better to do?

CHANDLER: No. Let’s go. (Gets up.)

ROSS: (Slips his arm around Rachel.) Actually… we had other plans.

RACHEL: (Smiles lovingly at Ross.)

JOEY: (Interested.) Oh yeah? Tell us about them.

SCENE M:

(It’s Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are on the left corner of the couch, Phoebe’s in the middle, and Chandler’s on the right. Joey’s in the left chair and Monica’s in the right.)

PHOEBE: You know I read somewhere that drinking coffee can increase fertility.

CHANDLER: (To Monica.) You want to order a few more cups?

JOEY: Well what do you mean by "fertile"? Is it like fertilizer? Like a bladder thing?

RACHEL: No, but good guess Jo.

JOEY: Wait- so what does it mean? (To Chandler.) I drink a lot of coffee. Am I like-this fertile thing?

CHANDLER: (Pause.) Very.

ROSS: You can relax Joey. It’s not true.

PHOEBE: Oh yes it is.

ROSS: Oh no it’s not.

PHOEBE: Oh yes it is.

ROSS: Do you have any proof?

PHOEBE: Of course. I can tell someone’s um… body functions or even their um- illnesses just by looking at them.

ROSS: Again… the proof?

PHOEBE: OK, Rachel’s knee itches.

RACHEL: (Is scratching her knee, she stops and stares at Phoebe strangely.)

PHOEBE: And Monica… has a headache.

MONICA: (Is rubbing her temples.)

PHOEBE: And Joey…

JOEY: (Leaning against the couch, his eyes shut.)

PHOEBE: (Finishes.) …is sleepy.

ROSS: That’s not proof.

PHOEBE: OK, well Gunther over there actually does have bladder problems.

GUNTHER: (Overhears this.)

THE GANG: (Stares at Gunther.)

GUNTHER: (Nervous. To the waitress beside him.) I’ve got to go to the bathroom. (Rushes off.)

PHOEBE: What’d I tell ya?

http://www.acusd.edu/~dannys/chanmon.html

www.fanfiction.net

http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Film/9107/main.html

http://members.xoom.com/friendsrocks/index2.html

http://angelfire.com/sk/myfriendsfanfic/myfanfic.html