By Alyssa (a.k.a. Joya_Preciosa)
I am in way associated with NBC or their sitcom Friends.
This fanfic supposedly takes place after “The One With The Red Tie.” I’m going to be introducing a new character now. (She’s just a guest star, calm down.) In fact, she was mentioned in the last fanfic- Kristen, remember? I did some research and I decided on an actress named Sarah Paulson to play her. You may have caught Sarah as Heather Tate in the film The Other Sister and as Alisa on the WB show called Jack and Jill. For physical description, she’s very pretty, kind of a red-ash-blonde curly hair and dark brown eyes. Now that that’s out of way, on with the show!
Comments, fanfic suggestions, feedback . . . whatever, is welcome. Write me at Joya_Preciosa@hotmail.com.
SCENE A:
(It’s the guy’s place. Joey’s sitting the left side of the counter and Phoebe’s standing on the right/in the kitchen. There’s a bowl with paint in it, two small bottles of paint, and a pencil sitting on the counter.)
PHOEBE: (She says this while doing it.) OK, now you pour in some red paint on top of the blue paint and take this pencil (hands Joey a pencil) and use it to mix the colors around and that will make purple.
JOEY: (Uses the pencil to mix the two colors. They form purple.) (He suddenly stares at it in amazement.) Oh my gosh, it made purple. How’d it do that?
PHOEBE: Joey, I already told you all about it. I’ve done nothing but explain it to you the past half hour.
CHANDLER: (Enters when Phoebe’s saying that.) Explain what?
PHOEBE: Primary colors.
CHANDLER: It took you half an hour to explain to him about primary colors?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I finally ended up having to give him an interactive lesson. You know so he can experience primary colors- but he isn’t experiencing very well. (Looks at Joey disapprovingly.)
JOEY: (Defensive.) Hey, I’ve experienced. I totally get it!
CHANDLER: (Disbelieving.) Really?
JOEY: (Pretending he knows.) Oh, yeah- yeah!
PHOEBE: OK, then.
JOEY: (Looking up and saying quietly.) No, no. How’s that again?
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE B:
(It’s Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe, from left to right, are sitting on the couch.)
MONICA: So we already have down Tom Cruise, Hugh Grant . . .
Who else should we use for our infamous movie?
PHOEBE: (Suggesting.) Mel Gibson?
RACHEL: Not my type.
MONICA: Me neither.
PHOEBE: Hey, it’s my movie too!
(Chandler enters with Kristen but nobody notices.)
RACHEL: OK, forget it. Why don’t we just go see a movie?
PHOEBE: Which one?
MONICA: All right, back to square one.
CHANDLER: Hey guys!
MONICA/RACHEL/PHOEBE: Cock their heads around.
RACHEL/PHOEBE: Hi!, Hey!
MONICA: (Sits there looking uncomfortable.)
PHOEBE: (Gets up.) Hey, Kristen! (Goes to hug her.)
KRISTEN: Hey Phoebe.
RACHEL: You’re Kristen? Wow I’ve heard so much about you! (She sticks out her hand.)
KRISTEN: (Shakes it.) You’re Monica right?
RACHEL: No, I’m Rachel. She’s Monica. (Points to Monica.)
KRISTEN: (Sticks out her hand.) Pleased to meet you.
MONICA: (Hoping to cover up her resentment she smiles as warmly as she can.) Likewise.
CHANDLER: We’re going to go to dinner now so um, we just came to say hi. (He eyes Monica uncomfortably.)
PHOEBE: (To Kristen.) You’ll give me a call later though, right?
KRISTEN: Of course. Bye Rachel and Monica, it was nice meeting you.
(Chandler and Kristen exit.)
PHOEBE: (Sits back down.)
RACHEL: Boy, she was really pretty huh?
PHOEBE: And she’s so funny too.
RACHEL: She seemed very nice.
MONICA: (Makes a face while saying: ) I don’t know . . .
RACHEL: What?
MONICA: Didn’t she seem just a little fake? (Mimicking Kristen.) “Pleased to meet you.”
RACHEL: I don’t think she sounded fake.
PHOEBE: Nether did I.
MONICA: OK, well if you didn’t pay enough attention to see the fakeness then I can’t help you.
SCENE C:
(It’s the hallway and Kristen and Chandler are standing right in front of the guys’ apartment door. It’s later that evening.)
KRISTEN: So we’re on for tomorrow?
CHANDLER: She that might not be good because I actually had plans to call the Psychic Friends’ Network with Phoebe.
KRISTEN: (Smiles.) Shut up. (Leans over and kisses Chandler just as Joey opens the door.)
JOEY: Oh sorry Chandler- Whoa! You must be Kristen.
KRISTEN: You’re Joey right?
JOEY: Right. How you doin’?
KRISTEN: (Looks a little surprised and amused.)
CHANDLER: (Hits Joey’s arm.) Really, I barely even know him.
KRISTEN: It’s all right. I’ll see you tomorrow then. (She waves and walks down the hallway and down the stairs.)
JOEY: (Gives Chandler one of those knowing dirty looks.)
CHANDLER: Shut up! (Walks into the apartment.)
JOEY: (Defensive.) I didn’t say anything. (Follows Chandler and shuts the door behind him.)
CHANDLER: (Sits down in his chair.) No Jo, a look from you says it all.
JOEY: Dude, she is really hot! How did you get a girl like that?
CHANDLER: You know, I seem to have no idea how. I keep thinking that I’m going be hanging out with her, and then all of the sudden I’ll be in my underwear, and then realize that it was all some stupid dream.
JOEY: Well, I don’t really think dreams about underwear and girls are stupid.
ROSS: (Enters.) Guys, I just saw this gorgeous girl walking down the stairs.
CHANDLER: (Smiles proudly.) That’s Kristen.
ROSS: That’s Kristen. How’d you get a girl like that?
CHANDLER: It was bound to happen someday. Joey and I have switched places.
JOEY: (Shocked.) What?
ROSS: Kind of to think of it, I haven’t seen Joey with a girl in two days.
CHANDLER: Two days, didn’t it used to be more like two hours?
JOEY: Hey man, I went out with Marie yesterday.
CHANDLER: And yet you didn’t take her home.
JOEY: How would you know?
CHANDLER: I sleep in the next room, man.
JOEY: Well, maybe not but she was really tired.
CHANDLER: Didn’t you stop at Central Perk?
JOEY: She had de-caff! OK, OK – you know what. I’m going out.
ROSS: Where?
JOEY: To a club or a bar or . . . something. And I’ll be back here with a hot girl in no time. (Determined, he exits.)
CHANDLER: (Gets up and goes into the bathroom.)
ROSS: (Going over to the kitchen and looking around.) Hey Chandler, you got any mint tea? My throat’s kind of bothering me.
CHANDLER: (Coming out of the bathroom, holding something in his hand.) Sorry, you might want to try the girls’.
ROSS: What’s that? (Meaning what Chandler has in his hand.)
CHANDLER: (Opens his hand.) Sleeping pills.
ROSS: What for?
CHANDLER: Just so Joey doesn’t bug me at three o’clock in the morning to go see whomever he brought home. I suggest you should take some too. He might feel the need to drop by your place.
SCENE D:
(It’s the girls’ place. It’s the next day and it’s around 4 p.m. Phoebe and Monica are sitting at the table and Phoebe’s at the table reading Monica’s palm.)
MONICA: I’m telling you Phoebe, this is ridiculous.
PHOEBE: No, no, no. You’re acting really weird and I want to find out why. Let’s see. I think this little spot marks this year of your life. Now are you acting weird because your mother’s gay and your dad had a sex change to please her?
MONICA: (Dully.) No.
PHOEBE: What about Ross becoming a prostitute and moving to L.A. with his pimp?
MONICA: (Dully.) No.
PHOEBE: What about the fact that Rachel wants to have a threesome with you and David Letterman?
MONICA: Ew, no Phoebe! Does my life sound like Jerry Springer to you?
RACHEL: (Coming out of her room.) Well, I agree.
MONICA: Thank you Rachel.
RACHEL: Well, not with that. Well yeah, with the whole threesome thing. I mean ew Phoebe.
PHOEBE: (Makes a face.)
RACHEL: But I also agree that you have been acting really bitchy lately.
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: Fine, really, eh, not nice lately.
MONICA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ROSS: (Enters as Monica’s saying this.) What are they talking about?
MONICA: Nothing!
PHOEBE: Monica acting really weird and all mean lately.
ROSS: Oh yeah, why is that Monica?
MONICA: It’s nothing, nothing! I can’t have just one bad day where I’m not all cheerful and nice to everyone. Rachel’s like that at least twice every day!
RACHEL: OK, those are tiny little 30-minute mood swings. They are harmless. You however, have been possessed for like four days already!
PHOEBE: Possessed! That explains it!
ROSS/RACHEL/MONICA: (All turn to Phoebe and say in unison: ) What?!
PHOEBE: Possessed, the reason Monica is acting so weird is because she’s not Monica!
MONICA: What? Phoebe, that’s ridiculous. I am not possessed!
PHOEBE: Yuh-huh! You’re not even Monica!
MONICA: (Jumps up.) I am too!
PHOEBE: I knew that palm seemed unfamiliar.
RACHEL: (Smiling mischievously.) Well, since you’re not Monica, you can’t order me around anymore. I don’t think I’ll be doing the dishes tonight.
ROSS: (Starts laughing.)
MONICA: Oh, yes you are!
RACHEL: Oh, no I’m not. In fact, I think I’m just going to go off to lunch now with my new boyfriend- Joshua, and not come home. Maybe I’ll even, stay out all night without giving you a call!
MONICA: What, no! Phoebe stop it!
PHOEBE: Yeah OK. All right Roberta.
MONICA: Who the hell is Roberta.
PHOEBE: Duh, you.
MONICA: I am not Roberta.
PHOEBE: Of course you are. Roberta Manston, an indentured servant who came to America from Great Britain in 1702.
MONICA: Phoebe, it’s 1998!
PHOEBE: Once again, duh! You’re dead. Long gone. You’re just a ghost that’s taken over Monica’s body. And someday you plan to marry Joey, run for president, and use me, Rachel, and Ross as biology teachers! All during this time pretending to be Monica Gellar. No wonder you’ve been acting so weird!
(There’s an awkward silence.)
RACHEL: Well, I’ve got to meet Joshua.
ROSS: I’ve got to meet Ben.
MONICA: I’ve got to meet . . . my room.
RACHEL: (Exits.)
ROSS: (Exits.)
MONICA: (Goes to her room.)
PHOEBE: That was weird. Maybe they’re all possessed!
SCENE E:
(Ross is walking down a hall to Susan and Carol’s apartment. I don’t believe they’ve ever shown that hall on FRIENDS but you can picture it any way you like.)
ROSS: (Stops and stares at Susan and a woman who isn’t Carol that are standing in front of Carol and Susan’s apartment door. For those of you who would prefer to know what this woman looks like, she has straight brown hair and blue eyes and she’s rather pretty.)
STRANGE WOMAN: This was really fun.
SUSAN: Yeah it was.
STRANGE WOMAN: Do you want to have dinner tomorrow? We can discuss . . . you know what there.
SUSAN: Sure, I’ll just tell Carol I’ve got a late business meeting or something. She knows I’ve been working hard on the new mayonnaise commercial anyway.
STRANGE WOMAN: It’s hard to find time isn’t it?
SUSAN: Yes. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.
STRANGE WOMAN: Can’t wait. (She turns and sees Ross who’s standing there with a bewildered look upon his face.)
STRANGE WOMAN: Why are you staring at me?
SUSAN: (Turns and sees Ross.) Oh my gosh, Ross!
STRANGE WOMAN: You know him?
SUSAN: Yeah he’s Carol’s ex-husband and Ben’s dad.
STRANGE WOMAN: Oh, okay-ay, nice meeting you Ross.
ROSS: (He just stands there looking at her.)
STRANGE WOMAN: Well, all right then. (To Susan.) Call me!
SUSAN: Uh, Ross? Ross? Ross?! Give me some sign that you understand me?!
ROSS: (Turning to Susan, now angry.) You’re cheating on Carol? You’re cheating on Carol?!
SUSAN: Lower your voice and don’t be ridiculous. Sylvia’s just a friend!
ROSS: Oh yeah right! (Mimicking Sylvia.) “Call me.” I can’t believe you would cheat on Carol! You guys have been together for almost five years now! Do you have any idea how much it would hurt her if she found out about this?!
SUSAN: Ross just give me a chance to explain! I would never cheat on Carol!
ROSS: Well answer me this, is that Sylvia gay too?
SUSAN: Well, yes, but-
ROSS: (Cutting Susan off.) And there you have it!
CAROL: (Opens the door.) What are you two fighting about?! I heard yelling.
ROSS: (Opens his mouth and then shuts it quickly as he thinks better of it.) Nothing. Where’s Ben?
CAROL: (Goes over to her couch and picks him up.) Here he is. He’s all ready for his big day at the park with his daddy!
ROSS: (Takes Ben from Carol.) You know Carol, don’t you think it’s great?
CAROL: What’s great.
ROSS: You. You have a kid, you have a, um, life-partner, and you’re really nice, pretty, smart, and funny.
CAROL: Well, yeah. Thanks Ross. (Looks at Ross strangely.)
SUSAN: (Has a worried and angry look on her face.)
ROSS: I mean no one would ever dream of losing or hurting such a pretty, great, smart, and funny woman. Now would they? Especially a woman who has a kid.
CAROL: Is there a, a point?
ROSS: Maybe Susan got it. Did you Susan? (He turns to Susan who’s standing there with a very angry look on her face.)
SUSAN: No Ross, I’m not even sure if you spoke in English.
ROSS: Funny. We’ll see about that one. (He turns and exits.)
SUSAN: (Closes the door.) (She nervously laughs when she looks at Carol.)
CAROL: Is he on something?
SUSAN: More like somethings.
SCENE F:
(It’s the guy’s apartment. Joey and Ross are there. It’s now around nine o’clock p.m. Joey’s making a sandwich and Ross is walking around the apartment, whining.)
ROSS: I mean it’s been bothering me all day. How could she do this to poor Carol? I wasn’t able to enjoy my day with Ben- How could she do this? I can’t even think of eating anything. I’m nauseous, I just- How could she do this?
JOEY: (Sits down at the table with his sandwich.) I don’t know, it depends. Was this Sylvia chick hotter than Carol?
ROSS: (Stares at Joey for a moment.) Maybe I should be talking to Chandler. Where is he anyway?
JOEY: Out with Kristen. By the way, why didn’t you pick up the phone last night? I called you like five times.
ROSS: I’m I was in a pretty deep sleep last night and I didn’t check my messages yet. What was wrong last night?
JOEY: Nothing was wrong! I kept calling so you could hear Melissa!
ROSS: Who’s Melissa?
JOEY: The hot girl I picked up at the bar, remember?
MONICA: (Enters.) You guys, can I say here for a little while? Every ten minutes Phoebe’s calling me saying something about Roberta.
ROSS: Well, why don’t you just unplug the phone?
MONICA: That wouldn’t be right. Something in the apartment would be out of order and it would just keep bugging me and . . . (Notices Joey and Ross are staring at her weirdly.) Fine, now you’ve all turned against me.
ROSS: I think I’m going to be heading home. It’s been a really confusing day and I want a little extra sleep.
JOEY: Ross, don’t forget to wake up when I call around three in the morning.
ROSS: Why would you be calling me at three in the morning?
JOEY: So I can prove to you that I’ve got a hot girl over here.
ROSS: You don’t have to. I believe you.
JOEY: Now you see Ross, that’s not good enough.
ROSS: (Stares at Joey weirdly and the exits.)
JOEY: Well, what time is it Monica?
MONICA: (Looks at her watch.) Seven minutes after nine, why?
JOEY: I’m going to be heading down to a club.
MONICA: Joey it’s a weekday! Can’t you save these things for their appropriate times?
JOEY: (Ignoring Monica.) The night is young. When Chandler comes back could you please tell him where I am?
MONICA: He’s not in his room. Where is he?
JOEY: With Kristen. Just tell him for me OK?
MONICA: (Looking hurt.) Yeah, sure.
JOEY: (Grabs his coat and exits.)
MONICA: I wonder if there’s any alcohol here. (She says this while approaching the fridge. She takes out a half-drunken glass bottle that’s has a golden-pink colored liquid in it.) (Wrinkling her nose, she says: ) I don’t even want to know. (She looks around.) (We hear her thinking: ) Maybe I should just leave Chandler a note about Joey and go home and unplug the phone. (She goes over the kitchen counter, grabs a posted, and begins to write the note.)
(Chandler and Kirsten enter while she’s still writing it. Chandler has his arm around Kirsten)
CHANDLER: (Happily.) Hey- (Realizes it’s Monica and says more softly.) Hey Mon.
KIRSTEN: How’s it going Monica?
MONICA: (Obviously hurt but doing her best to cover it up.) Good, good. I was just writing you a note Joey told me to leave for you. I’ll be going now.
KIRSTEN: Then so should I.
CHANDLER: (Looking at Kirsten.) So soon? I thought we were going to hang out for a while.
KIRSTEN: I know but I’ve got an early day tomorrow.
MONICA: (Slightly interested.) Really? What do you do?
KIRSTEN: I’m a photographer and I teach a kickboxing class.
MONICA: How do find the time?
KIRSTEN: I don’t know. But if anything ever gets in the way of my free time I’ll just drop it. I guess I’m kind of impulsive.
MONICA: (Quietly.) Oh.
KIRSTEN: (To Chandler.) So tomorrow for lunch good for you?
CHANDLER: Sure where?
KIRSTEN: I’ll just meet you in Central Perk and we can walk around afterward and decide.
CHANDLER: Great. (Leans over to kiss Kristen and she pulls closer to make it a long one.)
MONICA: (Cringes.)
KRISTEN: Bye Chandler, Monica. (She exits.)
MONICA: (Without a word she makes her way to the door.)
CHANDLER: Monica?
MONICA: (Pauses at the door and turns to him.) What?
CHANDLER: Are you OK?
MONICA: I’m fine, why?
CHANDLER: It’s just earlier at the coffeehouse Phoebe mentioned something about you being . . . possessed.
MONICA: Ugh, I am going to kill her.
CHANDLER: Now that actually just supported her point of view.
MONICA: (Smiles.) Goodnight Chandler. (She turns.)
CHANDLER: Are you sure you’re OK?
MONICA: (More cold now.) I said I was fine.
CHANDLER: Well you don’t seem fine.
MONICA: All right, I’m not fine.
CHANDLER: Why?
MONICA: Why? Chandler, ever since you got together with Kristen you’ve done nothing but rub my nose in it!
CHANDLER: That’s a lie.
MONICA: No it’s not!
CHANDLER: Hey I can’t help it if you’re jealous. And there’s no reason why you should be either. You’re the one who was all uncertain about this and decided not to even give it a chance.
MONICA: I didn’t decide anything.
CHANDLER: Well maybe isn’t a good enough answer.
MONICA: And this is how you get back at me for it?
CHANDLER: I’m not getting back at you for anything. You’re just jealous!
MONICA: With good reason. Chandler that girl is everything I’m not. She’s funny, she’s smart, she’s sexy, she’s impulsive, she’s holding down two jobs and isn’t afraid to do what she wants, and I bet her mother never made her feel like a failure. (She looks down embarrassed.)
(An awkward silence.)
CHANDLER: That’s not true.
MONICA: (Sighing.) Yes it is.
CHANDLER: No it’s not. Monica you are gorgeous, you’re sexy, you’re fun, and you’re smart! You may not be very impulsive but you’re one of the nicest and most sensitive people I know. OK? So don’t do that to yourself.
(Monica walks over to Chandler and hugs him. You may have remembered a scene similar to this one in THE ONE WITH THE FLASHBACK, from season 3.)
CHANDLER: Feel better?
MONICA: Yeah.
(Monica looks up and she and Chandler stare at each other for a moment. She kisses his cheek very quickly and then his mouth. Chandler kisses her back and tightens his hand around her waist. After a moment, they kiss ends and they break away.)
MONICA: (Looking at Chandler.) I’m sorry. This was a really stupid thing to do, knowing that you’re with Kristen now.
CHANDLER: It was just as much my fault as yours.
MONICA: That’s what I should have said after that first fight. Bye. (She turns and exits, closing the door behind her.)
CHANDLER: (Staring at the door.) OK, when did my life become a soap opera?
SCENE G:
(It’s Central Perk and I guess it’s the following morning. Joey’s in the left chair and Phoebe’s on the right. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch, Monica on the left side, Rachel on the right.)
PHOEBE: Roberta, could you please pass me the coffee cream?
MONICA: (Turning to Phoebe with narrowed eyes.) For the last time, my name is not Roberta.
PHOEBE: Why are you still in denial?
MONICA: I’m not in anything!
JOEY: I’d call that denial.
MONICA: (Turns to Joey.)
JOEY: I mean, um, um, Phoebe, be quiet!
MONICA: (Looks satisfied.)
RACHEL: They’re right Phoebs. I think you’ve taken this whole possession thing a little too far.
PHOEBE: Don’t you guys understand. That girl isn’t Monica, she’s Roberta. And she may be staying for awhile so you guys should just accept it.
MONICA: Phoebe, one more word out of you and I am never getting you another Christmas present again in my life.
PHOEBE: (Looks dumbfounded. Then she quickly says: ) I’ll shut up now.