THE ONE WITH THE GREATEST BREAKUP EVER

 

Written by:   Ethan

                                   

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

 

TONY’S PIZZA (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)

 

Joey:  Man this is good pizza. 

 

Chandler:  It’s better than sex.

 

Ross:  Going through a dry spell again Chandler? 

 

Chandler:  Yeah.  Mon’s been as cold as ice lately.  You accidentally spill coffee on the floor and the next thing you know, no sex for three weeks.

 

Joey:  You think you’ve got problems?  Phoebe won’t leave me alone.  She’s like an insatiable machine. 

 

Ross:  Don’t look now but the world is coming to end.  Joey’s complaining about too much sex and he used insatiable in a sentence.

 

Chandler:   Despite the fact that he has no idea what the word means.

 

Joey:  Hey, I do too know what the word means. 

 

Chandler:  Uh huh.  What does it mean?

 

Joey:  Uh, uh, uh….

 

Chandler:  I told you he didn’t know. 

 

Ross:  Give him a chance.  You can do it Joey.

 

Joey: I got it, it’s something that has to do with wanting too much of something? 

 

Ross:  And we have a winner Ladies and Gentlemen. 

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)      

 

Monica:  What the heck is the matter with you?

 

Rachel (moving around uncomfortably):  These pants are getting to be too small.  I can barely breathe. 

 

Monica:  Why aren’t you wearing the maternity clothes Ross got for you?

 

Rachel:  Have you seen them?  They’re like K-Mart rejects.  No way I’m wearing them out in public. 

 

Phoebe:  Just wait until the wedgies start coming.  They’re like a thrill ride for your crack.

 

Rachel:  Thanks for the visual Pheebs.

 

Monica:  Where is Chandler?  He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago. 

 

Rachel:  He’s probably with Joey and Ross doing something stupid. 

 

Phoebe:  Yeah, I think I’m gonna break it off with Joey. 

 

Monica:  What?!

 

Phoebe:  What?

 

Monica:  What did you say? 

 

Phoebe:  Nothing.  I was listening to Rachel.

 

Rachel:  Yes you did, you said you were gonna break it off with Joey. 

 

Phoebe:  Where’d you hear that?

 

Monica:  You just said it!

 

Phoebe:  Then why did you say “what”?

 

Monica:  Phoebe!

 

Phoebe:  Fine!  Yes, I’m gonna break-up with Joey. 

 

Rachel:  Uh, why?

 

Phoebe:  Because the sex is boring now.  There’s nothing else there. 

 

Monica:  You guys don’t talk?

 

Phoebe:  Sure we do.  We talk about who’s place were gonna do it at, what to eat for lunch and dinner.  Stuff like that.  You know, real meaningful conversations. 

 

Rachel:  That’s meaningful?

 

Phoebe:  Pretty much, at least for Joey. 

 

(Chandler and Joey enters)

 

Chandler:  My fair ladies, icicle woman. 

 

Monica:  That’s not the way to thaw me out Chandler. 

 

Joey:  Hey, who’s hungry? 

 

Chandler:  We just ate lunch!

 

Joey:  Yeah, but I was lining up my afternoon snack partner. 

 

Rachel:  Where’s Ross? 

 

Joey:  Yeah, we ditched him a couple blocks back. 

 

Rachel:  Why?!

 

Chandler:  ‘Cause he saw a new dinosaur book in the window at the bookstore and he had to go in. 

 

Rachel:  Oh, in that case I would’ve ditched him too.  Well I have to get to the stores.  I’ll see you guys later.  Do you wanna come Mon?

 

Monica:  Yeah. 

 

Chandler (to Monica):  Whoa!  Hold on a minute missy.  Did I give you permission to go shopping?

 

Monica:  Strike two. 

 

Chandler (meekly):  You can go.  Just don’t spend any money. 

 

Monica:  Do you wanna rethink that answer?

 

Chandler:  What I meant to say, is here, take my credit card.  No need to spend your own hard earned money.  See ya later honey. 

 

Rachel (to Monica):  Man, I’ve got to try that approach with Ross. 

 

Joey:  Bye Rachel, bye icicle woman. 

 

Monica:  You just struck out again Chandler. 

 

Chandler:  I didn’t say anything!  Damn it Joey!

 

(Monica and Rachel leave)

 

Joey:  Hey Pheebs, how are ya? 

 

Phoebe:  Pretty good lover.  We have to talk though. 

 

Joey:  We’re breaking up aren’t we?

 

Phoebe:  Yeah, I’m afraid so. 

 

Joey:  Ok.  Well for the record, you’ve been the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. 

 

Phoebe:  You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.  I really love you Joey. 

 

Joey:  I love you too Pheebs. 

 

Chandler:  That’s it?  Just like that you guys are breaking up?  No crying, no fighting?  What’s wrong with you two?

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is present.  He is talking on the phone) 

 

Ross:  I realize that.  (pause)  But I just need one week off this semester.  (pause)  Yes I realize that we get a week off at Spring Break but my wife is pregnant and this is the only chance I have to take her away before the baby comes. (pause)  Why is that a problem? (pause) I really don’t think my students would care.  (pause)  Why? Because they don’t pay attention in class anyway.  (pause)  Ok.  Ok.  Look, just think about it.  (pause)  Thanks. 

 

(Chandler enters)

 

Chandler:  Hey.

 

Ross:  Hey.

 

Chandler:  Who were you talking to?

 

Ross:  It’s whom. 

 

Chandler:  Don’t start with me.

 

Ross:  I was talking with my department head at NYU.  I’m trying to get a week off to take Rachel to Hawaii for a week during the semester.  It’s like our last chance to take a vacation before the baby comes. 

 

Chandler:  Hawaii eh? 

 

Ross:  No, you can’t come.  We’re going away by ourselves for once. 

 

Chandler:  Did you hear that Phoebe and Joey broke up?

 

Ross:  They did?

 

Chandler:  Yeah.  It was like the greatest breakup ever.  There were no tears, no fighting, no anything.  They just ended it. 

 

Ross:  How’s Joey? 

 

Chandler:  How do you think he is?  He met some girl in the coffeehouse ten minutes after Phoebe left and the next thing you know, he took her to his apartment. 

 

Ross:  To do what? 

 

Chandler:  Vacuum the floor.  What do you think they’re doing you moron? 

 

Ross:  They’re having sex right after he broke up with Phoebe?

 

Chandler:  Phoebe broke up with Joey. 

 

Ross:  Did they break up or are they on a break? 

 

Chandler:  They broke up.  But I guess in your case that means one in the same. 

 

Ross:  Hey! 

 

Chandler:  Sorry, that was low.  (pause) I need your help. 

 

Ross:  With what?  Do you need to move some furniture or something?

 

Chandler:  I need your help with Monica. 

 

SAKS FIFTH AVENUE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)

 

Rachel:  Ew, what da ya think about this? 

 

Monica:  Yeah, that’s alright. 

 

Rachel:  Mon, what’s gotten into you?  You’ve been a drag to be around today. 

 

Monica:  I’m sorry, I just got a lot on my mind.  Really, that would be striking on you. 

 

Rachel:  Monica, it’s me.  What’s wrong? 

 

Monica:  I haven’t had sex with Chandler in three weeks. 

 

Rachel:  So you’re going through a dry spell, it happens sooner or later to all couples. 

 

Monica:  It’s not just that. 

 

Rachel:  Then what is it honey? 

 

Monica:  I don’t know if I wanna have sex with him anymore. 

 

(Rachel, who’s been leaning against the clothing rack, crashes to the floor) 

 

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey latest date, Laura, is leaving) 

 

Joey:  I’ll call you later Lori. 

 

Laura:  It’s Laura. 

 

Joey:  Right.  I’ll call you later Laura.

 

Laura:  Are we gonna go out to dinner?  My roommate Shelley knows this great little restaurant in the village. 

 

Joey:  Is your roommate single? 

 

Laura:  Yeah, why?

 

Joey:  Just wondering.  I’ll talk to you later.  (closes the door and sits down on the recliner.  Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:  Hey Joey. 

 

Joey:  Pheebs, what are you doing here? 

 

Phoebe:  I don’t think we did the right thing.

 

Joey:  What thing? 

 

Phoebe:  I don’t think we should’ve broken up. 

 

Joey:  You don’t?

 

Phoebe:  No, not really.  I miss you. 

 

Joey:  How can you miss me?  We only broke up two hours ago. 

 

Phoebe:  You already had sex with someone else didn’t you? 

 

Joey:  Me?  Who do you think I am, Ross?

 

Phoebe:  That’s pretty funny. 

 

Joey:  I thought so too. 

 

Phoebe:  So who’d you have sex with?  The hot little blonde that left your apartment a couple of minutes ago?

 

Joey:  Laura?  I mean, what hot little blonde? 

 

Phoebe:  It’s ok, I’m not mad.  I had sex with Pete.

 

Joey:  Who’s Pete?! 

 

Phoebe:  Some cute guy that I’ve had my eyen on since we started dating. 

 

Joey:  And the minute you break up with me you go and have sex with him?!

 

Phoebe:  What are you getting all excited for? You had sex too. 

 

Joey:  But I barely knew her! 

 

Phoebe:  Why should that matter? 

 

Joey:  It does in Joey World!  You have sex with strangers, not with people you are already friends with. 

 

Phoebe:  But you had sex with me when you were dating Courteney. 

 

Joey:  What does that have to do with anything?!

 

Phoebe:  Well for starters, we were friends. 

 

Joey:  But I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to marry Courteney. 

 

Phoebe:  So then it’s ok to have sex with a friend. 

 

Joey:  Yes!  In that situation.

 

Phoebe:  Maybe we should stay broken up.

 

Joey:  I think so.  We’ve obviously have moved on to other people.  So how was Pete?

 

Phoebe:  Not as good as you. 

 

Joey:  That’s pretty much a given. 

 

Phoebe:  How was the hot little blonde girl? 

 

Joey:  Alright.  Definitely not in your league. 

 

Phoebe:  Of course not, only a gymnast can bend like me. 

 

Joey:  That’s the funny part, she is a gymnast and all she did was lie there. 

 

Phoebe:  Maybe we shouldn’t break up. 

 

Joey:  What?

 

Phoebe:  Well our new partners are obviously not good in the sack. 

 

Joey:  Maybe we should stay broken up but still sleep together.  That way neither of us will go rusty until we find compatible partners. 

 

Phoebe:  We could have an open relationship. 

 

Joey:  Totally.  No more of this boyfriend/girlfriend crap.

 

Phoebe:  I love that idea.  We should’ve done that originally.  We’re obviously not meant to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend.  We don’t fight at all, boyfriends and girlfriends fight with each other all the time, just look at Ross and Rachel.

 

Joey:  That’s so true.  I fought with Courteney all time, so it’s obvious that she was my girlfriend.  With you, we never fought.  If you were my girlfriend you’d be pissed at me for sleeping with Laura a half hour after we broke up.

 

Phoebe (mad):  You only waited a half hour?!

 

Joey:  What are you getting mad for?  Was there some time limit I was supposed to observe before sleeping with someone else?

 

Phoebe:  Yes! 

 

Joey:  Oh. 

 

Phoebe:  You were supposed to wait an hour.  What’s the matter with you?

 

Joey:  I’m Joey, I don’t know that there are rules.  Why do you think I’m still single? 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are talking)

 

Ross:  Ah, what’s the problem with Monica? 

 

Chandler:  What do you think?  We haven’t had sex in three weeks. 

 

Ross:  So it’s a dry spell.  It happens to every couple. 

 

Chandler:  Has it happened to you and Rachel?

 

Ross:  No!  What would make you think that?

 

Chandler:  But you just said it happens to every couple! 

 

Ross:  Well it hasn’t happened to Rachel and I.  Look, have you tried to entice her?

 

Chandler:  She’s not a dog Ross. 

 

Ross:  That’s not what I meant.  Have you tried giving her flowers, cleaning the apartment, making her dinner, stuff like that? 

 

Chandler:  No, I’ve been really busy with work. 

 

Ross:  What’s more important to you, your job or your marriage? 

 

Chandler:  My marriage of course. 

 

Ross:  A marriage doesn’t just exist, you’ve got to work at it. 

 

Chandler:  You would know you’ve been married four times. 

 

Ross:  Forget it, I’m not helping you.  

 

Chandler:  Come on Ross, I was joking.  Seriously, I don’t want to lose your sister. 

 

Ross:  You need to do something nice for Monica.  If that doesn’t work, maybe you two should go see a marriage counselor. 

 

Chandler:  I don’t need some shrink to tell me how to improve my sex life.  I know how to have sex. 

 

Ross:  And when was the last time you guys had sex?

 

Chandler:  Marriage counseling could be the answer. 

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica have returned from shopping) 

 

Monica:  Chandler, are you here? 

 

Rachel:  Doesn’t look like it.  The place is still spotless.  Now tell me what’s going on.

 

Monica:  I don’t where to start.

 

Rachel:  Well explain to me why you and Chandler haven’t had sex for three weeks. 

 

Monica:  I just haven’t been in that place.  I just don’t want him touching me. 

 

Rachel:  Why not?

 

Monica:  If I knew we wouldn’t be talking now.

 

Rachel:  Do you still love Chandler? 

 

Monica:  Yes! Why would you think I don’t love him?

 

Rachel:  I was just asking.  By the way, you answered correctly.  Are you afraid to have sex? 

 

Monica:  I’ve been having sex since I was 17, I think I got over that fear a long time ago. 

 

Rachel:  Did you have a miscarriage at 17? 

 

Monica (tears filling her eyes):  No!  Why in the hell did you bring that up? 

 

Rachel:  Because that’s what I think the problem is. 

 

Monica (crying):  We’ve had plenty of sex since that happened. 

 

Rachel:  Was it enjoyable for you? 

 

Monica:  Huh?

 

Rachel:  Did you make love to Chandler or did you just accommodate him?  (long period of silence)  Monica?

 

Monica:  To accommodate him. 

 

Rachel:  Don’t you miss making love to Chandler? 

 

Monica:  Yeah.  I really do.  I just fear that I’m gonna get pregnant again.

 

Rachel:  But I thought you wanted to get pregnant. 

 

Monica:  I do.  I want a baby so bad. 

 

Rachel:  Then why are you afraid? 

 

Monica:  What if I have another miscarriage?

 

Rachel:  What if you don’t?

 

Monica:  It’s not that simple.  You have no idea what it’s been like. 

 

Rachel:  No I don’t, but I’m your best friend and my door is always open.  You just need to talk the whole thing through with someone.  

 

Monica:  I just want to get the passion back into our marriage.  We’re just going through the motions.  If I were Chandler, I’d have left by now.

 

Rachel:  Well Chandler hasn’t left.  He obviously still loves you very much. 

 

Monica:  Calling me icicle woman is showing that he loves me? 

 

Rachel:  Chandler’s just being Chandler.  Deep down, we both know that he cares for you.  He just doesn’t know how to get through to you.  He doesn’t know what you’re feeling because you haven’t shared your feelings about the miscarriage.  You’ve just swept those feelings under the rug in hopes that they’d magically disappear.    

 

Monica:  They haven’t magically disappeared yet? 

 

Rachel:  Doesn’t look like it.  That only happens in sitcoms. 

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Chandler is present) 

 

Rachel (to Phoebe and Joey):  So you two broke up? 

 

Phoebe:  Yeah, monogamy is for suckers. 

 

Joey:  Amen to that. 

 

Monica:  Where’s Chandler? 

 

Ross:  He told me that he had some things to take care of at work and that he’d be home by 6:30 pm. 

 

Monica:  Oh. 

 

Rachel:  What’s everyone doing for dinner? 

 

Ross:  Well you and I are going to my folks. 

 

Rachel:  That’s tonight? 

 

Ross:  Yes, I told you this morning about that. 

 

Rachel:  No you didn’t. 

 

Ross:  Yes I did. 

 

Rachel:  It’s not nice to lie Ross. 

 

Ross:  I’m not lying, you are just experiencing selected memory syndrome again. 

 

Joey:  See Phoebe, fighting, we never did that. 

 

Ross:  We’re not fighting, we’re discussing our dinner arrangements. 

 

Phoebe:  Sounds like fighting to me. 

 

Monica:  You’re going to Mom and Dad’s?  Why weren’t Chandler and I invited? 

 

Ross:  You were.  But Chandler told them you guys already had plans. 

 

Monica:  We don’t have any plans.  What is the matter with him? 

 

Rachel:  Don’t look at me, he’s your husband.  

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is busy preparing dinner as Monica enters)

 

Monica (dejected):  Hey.  

 

Chandler:  Hey honey.  

 

Monica:  What are you doing?  What’s with all the flowers and stuff? 

 

Chandler:  I’m making a romantic dinner for us. 

 

Monica:  Are you feeling ok? 

 

Chandler:  I feel great. 

 

Monica:  Oh, I thought you might not be feeling well ‘cause you’re actually making dinner.  What’s for dinner?

 

Chandler:  My specialty. 

 

Monica:  Grilled cheese and macaroni & cheese? 

 

Chandler:  You got it.

 

Monica:  Chandler?

 

Chandler:  Yeah? 

 

Monica:  Do you love me? 

 

Chandler:   More than you can imagine.  Do you love me?

 

Monica:  I really do.  (pause)  Do you think it’s odd that we haven’t had sex in three weeks?

 

Chandler:  It’s just a dry spell, it happens to all couples. 

 

Monica:  I’m afraid to have sex. 

 

Chandler:  Run that by me again. 

 

Monica:  It’s not you honey, you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s me. 

 

Chandler:  So you’re not mad at me for spilling coffee all over the rug? 

 

Monica:  You spilled coffee on the rug? 

 

Chandler:  No. Hypothetical question. (pause) Why are you afraid to have sex?

 

Monica:  I’m afraid to get pregnant again.

 

Chandler:  I thought that was what you wanted.  What we wanted. 

 

Monica:  I think I need to talk to someone about my miscarriage. 

 

Chandler:  That’s what I’m here for Mon. 

 

Monica:  No sweetie, I need to talk to a professional. 

 

Chandler:  Can I come? 

 

Monica:  Why do you wanna come?

 

Chandler:  So I can better understand where you’re coming from.  You haven’t really been into it when we have had sex since that happened. 

 

Monica:  You’ve noticed?

 

Chandler:  Yeah, except for that episode at Disneyland, you’ve come across like you’re accommodating me.  It’s like you’ve been have sex with me just because it’s expected. 

 

Monica:  I’m sorry. 

 

Chandler:  What’s there to be sorry about?  I’m just glad to know why you’ve been acting so distant. 

 

Monica:  So you’ll come with me? 

 

Chandler:  I wouldn’t miss it.  Come here.  (Monica goes over and hugs Chandler)

 

Monica:  I love you. 

 

Chandler:  I love you too. 

 

Monica:  Now where did you spill the coffee? 

 

Chandler:  I see some things haven’t changed. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Rachel are present) 

 

Ross:  So are you bummed that you and Pheebs broke up? 

 

Joey:  Not at all.  It’s the greatest breakup ever.  And besides, I get to go back to my ways. 

 

Rachel:  I guess we better warn the single female population in the tri-state area. 

 

Joey:  Very funny. 

 

(a woman enters Central Perk)

 

Rachel:  Ah Joey, I think you know that woman. 

 

Ross:  Where?

 

Rachel:  She just walked in. 

 

Woman:  Joey? 

 

Joey:  Oh my God, Courteney, what are you doing here and where in God’s name is my stuff?