THE ONE WHERE THE HORMONES TAKE OVER

 

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler and Joey are present)

Monica: Where’s Phoebe Joey?

Joey: She went to see Albino Bob.

Chandler: Why? And who’s Albino Bob?

Joey: He’s the homeless guy that’s been living in Phoebe’s cab. He’s the one that got us arrested when we took the cab to Atlantic City.

Monica: So why did she go to see him?

Joey: She got him some sessions at a tanning booth.

Monica: But if he’s an albino, he’s just gonna get a sunburn.

Joey: Yeah I know, it’s Phoebe’s way of paying him back for having us arrested.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast)

Ross: One more month, and then boom, out pops the baby!

Rachel: Yeah, it’s gonna be just like that. I’m gonna put my feet in the stirrups and the baby is gonna come shooting out of my vagina.

Ross: You’ll be fine.

Rachel: How do you know? Have you ever given birth before?

Ross: No, but I watched Carol give birth to Ben.

Rachel: Did it hurt?

Ross: I don’t know. It looked like it did.

Rachel: I can’t do it. There’s no way in hell I’m giving birth to this baby.

Ross: You’re just nervous. Every expecting mother goes through that.

Rachel: What, are you a psychologist now?

Ross: No. I’m just saying…..

Rachel (getting mad): What are you saying? That you could have this baby? That you could put up with the pain of childbirth?

Ross: Why are you getting mad? I’m just trying to tell you that you’re gonna be fine.

Rachel: Oh, so now you’re telling me how I feel?

Ross: Ok. I think I’ll go to work now.

Rachel (starting to cry): Don’t you go anywhere! You started this conversation and I say it’s not finished yet!

Ross: Honey, calm down. It’s gonna be ok.

Rachel (now bawling): How do you know? I could become the worst mother ever. Your wife could become the worst mother ever!

Ross: Rach, shush, you’re gonna be a great mother. The childbirth part might hurt a little bit, but the end result is gonna be pure magic.

Rachel: Great, now you think I’m a friggin’ magician!

Ross: Ok, why don’t you tell me what I should say.

(period of silence)

Rachel: Tell me that I’m gonna survive childbirth and that I’m gonna be a great mother.

Ross: Ok. Childbirth will be painful but….

Rachel: That’s not what I said!

Ross: Sorry. You’re gonna survive childbirth and you’re gonna be a great mother.

Rachel (normal voice): Now was that so hard? Now go get me some milk.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe and Chandler are present)

Chandler: How’d it go with Albino Bob?

Phoebe: Let’s just say that he’ll never turn in any of my friends again and leave it at that.

Chandler: What are you doing today?

Phoebe: Nothing.

Chandler: Wanna do something?

Phoebe: With you?

Chandler: Or if you feel like doing something by yourself.

Phoebe: No, I already did that today.

Chandler: Ok, so do you wanna do something?

Phoebe: Let’s go roller-blading.

Chandler: Ok. But I gotta tell you, I’ve never been roller-blading before.

Phoebe: Man, you‘ve had a sheltered life.

Chandler: So you’re saying that you’ve been roller-blading before?

Phoebe: No, I’m just saying that you’ve had a sheltered life.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica is present. She’s reading on the couch. Ross enters)

Ross: Hey Mon.

Monica: What’s up Bro?

Ross: Bro?

Monica: I can’t pull that off can I?

Ross: You’re not even close.

Monica: Where’s Rachel?

Ross: She went to work.

Monica: I thought she went on leave starting today.

Ross: She did but she said she can’t stand to be around me all day.

Monica: It’s 10 in the morning.

Ross: To her that’s all day. Let me ask you something, did Phoebe get all weird in the late stages of her pregnancy?

Monica: Totally. One minute she was, well Phoebe, and then next minute she was a raving bitch. Why? Is Rachel acting strange?

Ross: You could say that. She totally got mad at me this morning when I mentioned that in one month the baby was gonna be here. No matter what I said she turned it against me. I couldn’t win.

Monica: Yup. Her hormones are in overdrive. You’re in for one hell of a month.

Ross: Can I sleep here for the rest of the month?

Monica: Yeah right. Just be there for her, everything will be fine.

CENTRAL PARK (Phoebe and Chandler are getting ready to roller blade)

Chandler: Where’d you get the roller blades?

Phoebe: You don’t wanna know.

Chandler: Seriously, where’d you get them?

Phoebe: I stole them.

Chandler: You stole them? Are you crazy?

Phoebe: Chill out. Monica and Rachel will never know there’re missing.

Chandler: You took these without telling Monica? Are you insane? She’s gonna flip out!

Phoebe: She’ll be fine. She doesn’t even know they’re missing.

Chandler: Who’s pair do I have?

Phoebe: You have Rachel’s.

Chandler: Man, these things fit perfectly. How can a woman so small have such large feet. I’m like 5 inches taller than Rachel and these fit perfectly.

Phoebe: It’s more like you have small feet. Those things don’t fit me. You know what they say about a man that has small feet don’t you?

Chandler: I do not have a small penis.

Phoebe: No, I wasn’t talking about that. A man with a small feet has small hands.

Chandler: That’s better.

Phoebe: You still have small penis.

Chandler: I do not! And besides, how would you know?

Phoebe: Women tell each other everything.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica and Ross are present)

Monica: So have you gone baby shopping yet?

Ross: Are you kidding me? With Rachel as my wife? We’ve been baby shopping every weekend for the past eight months. That kid has so many outfits that she’ll outgrow them before she gets to wear them all.

Monica: Well it’s Rachel’s first child. She’s gonna spoil her rotten.

Ross: No she’s not.

Monica: Are you forgetting your youth? Mom and Dad spoiled you rotten and I’ll I got was hand me downs. They dressed me like a boy for the first two years.

Ross: They did not.

Monica: Whatever. Look at this photo album. Look at me when I was one. What am I wearing?

Ross: A Ross is great T-shirt.

Monica: And that doesn’t prove my point?

Ross: I just thought that you were a big fan of mine. But hey, just remember, you got Dad’s Porsche.

Monica (sarcastically): Yeah, that totally evens out living in your shadow all my life.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: I thought you went to work.

Rachel: I did. My boss made me come home. Apparently my secretary complained that I was being inappropriate.

Monica: What did you do?

Rachel: I don’t know. One minute I was telling her to get the prints on the latest catalogue and the next thing I know I being told to go home.

Ross: How’s that inappropriate?

Rachel: I don’t know.

Ross: What else happened?

Rachel: Is it inappropriate to ask your secretary to help you get your underwear out of your crack?

Ross: A little.

Rachel (mad): What the hell do you know!

Ross (to Monica): See what I mean.

Rachel: What do you think Mon? Was I inappropriate?

Monica: Rachel honey, you know that I love you with all my heart and I’d never say anything to hurt you, but yes, it is inappropriate to ask your secretary to help you get your underwear out of your crack.

Rachel (filling with tears): That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. I love you too.

Ross: I love you too Rachel.

Rachel (mad again): Shut up gel boy, we’re having a moment here!

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey. (notices Monica and Rachel hugging) What’s with those two?

Ross: They‘re having a moment.

Joey: So Rachel, you’re pretty huge, I bet you’re ready to get that baby out of you.

Rachel: What did you say?!

Ross: Don’t repeat it Joey, don’t repeat it.

Joey: I said you’re pretty huge, I bet you’re ready for the baby to be born.

Rachel (mad again): Are you saying I’m fat?!

Joey: No! No! I’m saying that you look absolutely lovely in those overalls.

Rachel (filling with tears again): That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me Joey. Come give me a hug.

Joey: Ok. (Joey hugs Rachel) Hormones acting up Rach?

Rachel: Just a little. Is it that noticeable?

Ross: Totally.

Rachel: F$ck you too butthead! I wasn’t talking to you!

Ross (to Monica): Not a good day to be married to a pregnant woman. I’ll see you later.

(Ross leaves)

Monica: Rach, you know that I love you, but you’re being kinda hard on Ross.

Rachel: What did I do?

Joey: You just told him off.

Rachel: Oh that, yeah that’s completely normal.

CENTRAL PARK (Chandler and Phoebe are trying to Rollerblade. Phoebe’s got a pretty good handle on it. Chandler on the other hand, can’t get the hang of it.)

Phoebe: Come on gay boy, you can do it.

Chandler: I am not gay!

Phoebe: You’re not much of a man either. Come on, let go of the railing, you’ll be fine.

Chandler: I’m gonna break a bone if I do that!

Phoebe (blading over to Chandler): Here, take my hand, I’ll help you get the gist of this.

(Chandler grabs Phoebe’s hand and they start to skate)

Chandler: Wow! I‘m getting the hang of this!

Phoebe: There you go, you’re doing it gay boy, you‘re doing it!

(Chandler suddenly falls and pulls Phoebe down with him. Phoebe winds up on top of Chandler)

Phoebe: Thanks for breaking my fall.

Chandler: Not a problem.

Phoebe: Monica and Joey wouldn’t be too happy if they found us in this position.

Chandler: Probably not. Could you get up please, your bra is digging into my chest.

Phoebe: But I’m not wearing a bra.

Chandler: Then what is digging into my chest?

Phoebe: Must be my nipple rings.

Chandler: Joey’s a lucky man.

Phoebe: From the pressure on my thigh, I’d say you’re a lucky man right now too.

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Monica and Rachel are present. Joey is staring at a beautiful woman who has just entered)

Joey: Wow! She could melt a glacier with that smile.

Monica: It’s ice. She could melt ice with that smile. Get it right Joey.

Rachel: Joey, aren’t you married?

Joey: Yeah. So?

Rachel: So don’t you think that you shouldn’t be trying to pick up girls anymore?

Joey: You don’t understand. Phoebe doesn’t care. Our marriage is unique. We can see other people and still be married. It’s a win-win situation.

Monica: Joey, Phoebe does care. It totally bothers her.

Joey: It does not.

Rachel: Really? Then why did she say that it does bother her?

Joey: There’s no way she said that. She doesn’t mind.

Monica: Joey, you do realize that women tell each other everything.

Joey: So?

Rachel: So Phoebe obviously told us that it bothers her. Don’t you care about how Phoebe feels?

Joey: Of course I do. I love Phoebe.

Monica: Do you think she’s as beautiful as that girl over there?

Joey: Phoebe’s way prettier than that girl.

Monica: When’s the last time you told Phoebe that she’s beautiful?

Joey: I dunno.

Rachel: Do you love Phoebe?

Joey: Of course I do. I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t love her.

Monica: You married her to punish her for stealing Hugsy.

Joey: But I also love her as a person. She’s really special to me.

Monica: When’s the last time you told her that?

Joey: I dunno. I gotta go.

Monica: Where’re you going?

Joey: To find Phoebe.

(Joey leaves as Ross enters)

Ross: Where’s Joey going?

Rachel (mad): Well if you weren’t late you would know now wouldn’t you gel boy?!

Ross: I was just asking. You don’t have to bite my head off.

Rachel: Go get me some steamed milk!

Ross: Go get it…. (notices Rachel is glaring at him) I’ll go get you some steamed milk.

Rachel (Monica): Isn’t he the greatest?

Monica: And when was the last time you told him that?

CENTRAL PARK (Chandler and Phoebe are still blading. Chandler’s finally getting the hang out it)

Chandler: This is so much fun!

Phoebe: You’re doing great!

Chandler (covering his eyes): Look Pheebs, a blind man on skates!

Phoebe (noticing a down hill section approaching): Chandler, look out!

(Chandler uncovers his eyes but it’s too late. He starts to go down the hill)

Chandler: How do I stop?! How do I stop?!

Phoebe: Use the brake!

Chandler: I’m not driving a car!

(Chandler crashes into a water fountain)

Phoebe: Chandler, are you ok?

Chandler: The good news is that I‘m alive. The bad news is that I think I separated my shoulder.

Phoebe: Are you in pain?

Chandler (calmly): Very much so. Could you please get an ambulance?

Phoebe: You need to go to the hospital?

Chandler (still calm): Yes. Now please go get me medical attention.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler is in with the doctor. Phoebe is in the waiting room as the rest of the gang enters)

Ross: Pheebs! Is he ok?

Phoebe: He’s fine. The doctor said that he just separated his right shoulder.

Monica: Where’d you guys get the roller blades?

Phoebe: I borrowed them from you and Rachel.

Rachel: I own roller blades?

Monica: Yeah. You left them at my apartment when you moved out.

Joey: Is he in a lot of pain?

Phoebe: He’s ok. He says it hurts, but he’s ok.

Rachel: Of course he’s ok. It’s not like he gave birth.

Ross: Show a little sympathy Rach.

Rachel (mad): Come over here and I’ll show you pain Dr. Geller!

(Chandler emerges from his room)

Monica: Honey, are you ok?

Chandler (loopy): I’m fine. The doctor gave me some morphine.

Monica: We’re becoming regulars at this hospital.

Ross: How’s that?

Monica: First he gets his thing stuck in his zipper, then he breaks his ankle, and now he’s separated his shoulder.

Phoebe: Well the important thing is that he’s ok.

Monica: Yeah I guess. But if you ever take something from me without asking again, I’ll put you in the hospital Phoebe.

Joey: Cool, a chick fight.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)

Joey: Hey, can I ask you something?

Phoebe: Not right now, I’m trying to watch Barney.

Joey: I love you.

Phoebe: That‘s nice. I love you too Joey.

Joey: Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?

Phoebe (shutting off the TV): No you haven’t.

Joey: Well I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

Phoebe: What did you do?

Joey: I didn’t do anything.

Phoebe: Then why are you laying the lovey-dovey crap on so thick?

Joey: I’m just being honest.

Phoebe: Monica and Rachel talked to you didn’t they?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Joey?

Joey: Ok, so they did.

Phoebe: You didn’t believe them did you?

Joey: Of course I believed them. They said that you get all hurt when I try to pick up beautiful women at Central Perk.

Phoebe: You know I don‘t care about that. I think it’s healthy for you to do that. It takes the pressure off me.

Joey: Then why did you tell Rachel and Monica that it bothers you?

Phoebe: ’Cause it does.

Joey: But you just said that it doesn’t!

Phoebe: Ok, ok, ok, it bothers me! Are you happy now?!

Joey: No, I’m not happy now. It bothers me when you don’t tell me things. Regardless of how I act sometimes, I do care how you feel!

Phoebe: Well it bothers me when you try to pick up hot girls at Central Perk.

Joey: Well it bothers me when you shave your legs in the kitchen sink!

Phoebe: Oh yeah? You know what else bothers me?

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I hate it when you do that thing with your tongue when you’re below the equator. It feels like a doctor is giving me my gynecology exam!

Joey: You think that’s bad?! It least I have an idea of what to do down there, which is not what I can say about you!

Phoebe: Well if it wasn’t so damn small, I wouldn’t have that problem!

(period of silence)

Joey: Feel better?

Phoebe: Totally. Wanna go have sex?

Joey: Yeah.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is on the couch watching TV. Ross emerges from the bedroom)

Rachel: Hey honey. Come sit with me on the couch.

Ross: That’s ok. I’m just gonna get a soda and go back to the bedroom.

Rachel: What’s wrong?

Ross: What’s wrong? What do you mean what’s wrong? You’ve spent the whole day biting my head off.

Rachel: Have I been that bad?

Ross: Take a look at my ass. I think you had half of it for lunch.

Rachel: I’m sorry honey. My hormones are going crazy. I don’t mean to take it out on you. You’re just the person that I love the most so you get the brunt of my mood swings.

Ross: Well you’re really testing the “or for worst part” of our vows.

Rachel: I’m really sorry Ross. I truly am. You know that I love you.

Ross: Well it wouldn’t hurt to say that once in awhile.

Rachel (mad): You don’t think that I don’t love you?! I’m carrying your stupid child! If I didn’t love you, would I be carrying your child?!

Ross (mad): See! You’re doing it again! I can’t win! I’m staying at Monica and Chandler’s for the rest of the month!

Rachel (crying): Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.

Ross: I’m sorry Rach. I just don’t know what to do when I’m around you lately. I really love the fact that you’re carrying our child. I just can’t wait until you have that baby and I get the real Rachel back.

Rachel: Who’s the real Rachel?

Ross: The strong, confident woman who has gone from a spoiled brat to the most caring woman in the world. The woman I’ve always been in love with.

Rachel: I was a spoiled brat?

Ross: When you first came to the city, you were a spoiled brat who lived off of Daddy’s credit card. Now you’re an independent woman who’s got a great career and is going to be the best Mommy to our little baby girl.

Rachel (hugging Ross): That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me! I love you so much!

Ross: If this is how the rest of the month is going to be, we’re in big trouble.

Rachel: It’s gonna be like a roller coaster. Enjoy the ride.

CLOSING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

Rachel (mad): Gunther! Gunther! Get over here now!

Gunther: Yes Rachel?

Rachel: I wanted steamed milk! Not this crap! Now go get me some steamed milk!

Gunther: Right away Rachel. Sorry.

Rachel: Don’t say you’re sorry! Just get me the steamed milk.

Chandler: Hormones wigging you out Rach?

Rachel: Not really. I’ve just always wanted to be a raving bitch.

Joey: You’ve never been a bitch before Rach?

Rachel: Nah, I’ve always been low key.

Monica: Yeah right, you’ve should’ve seen her in high school.

Rachel: What does that mean?

Monica: Honey, you know that I love you, but you reigned in high school as the biggest bitch in our class.