ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed. Rachel’s awake. Caitlin is crying - it‘s four a.m.)

Rachel: Ross? (no answer) Ross, wake up! (no answer - Rachel now kicks Ross) Ross!

Ross: Ow!

Rachel: Are you awake?

Ross: I am now!

Rachel: The baby’s crying.

Ross: She’s probably hungry. You need to feed her.

Rachel: But I fed her at midnight.

Ross: And she needs to be fed again. They eat like every four hours in the beginning.

Rachel: Would you do it?

Ross: I would if I could but I can’t. You’re the one lactating, so you’re the one who has to feed her. I’m going back to sleep.

Rachel: Fine. I’ll feed the baby. See if I ever help you out again.

Ross: Honey, it’s not my fault that God only gave me nipples for show.

Rachel: Yeah, God gave man a penis and all the glory.

Ross: I see that you’re finally learning. Goodnight.

Rachel: Ross Geller, you get out of that bed and watch me feed our child! If I’m gonna be a zombie in the morning, you are too!

(Ross gets out of bed and goes with Rachel to feed Caitlin)

Ross: That’s the last time you guilt me into getting up with you.

Rachel: Answer me this, when was the last time you got your way?

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)

Monica: You look like hell Ross.

Ross: Rachel made me get up with her every time Caitlin cried. I’m functioning on about four hours of sleep.

Joey: What are you getting up for? It’s not like you can do anything about it.

Chandler: Yeah, you’re the man of the household. You should be the one getting all the sleep.

Monica: You’re in for a rude awakening when we have children Chandler.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: You think I‘m bossy now, wait until we have children.

Phoebe: I don’t see what the big deal is. So Ross has to get up with Rachel, so what? They’re both parents now and they have to share the responsibility of raising their child.

Ross: Have you been talking to Rachel?

Phoebe: Maybe. Why?

Ross: Because that’s exactly what she said to me at breakfast.

Chandler (to Ross): I’ve got three tickets to the Rangers game tonight. Are you in?

Ross: I’ll have to ask Rachel and get back to you.

Joey: What? Ask Rachel? Is she your keeper now or something?

Ross: I can’t just leave Rachel alone with the baby without asking her first.

Joey: My God, she’s killed independent Ross.

Phoebe (to Monica): See, these two are perfect examples of why we should have our tubes tied.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are present)

Joey: You guys wanna go the movies?

Phoebe: Nah.

Chandler: Let‘s go bowling.

Phoebe: I say we do what we’re doing right now.

Joey: But we’re not doing anything.

Phoebe: Exactly, it’s what you do best Joey.

Joey: This is true.

Chandler: Oh look, Barry Manilow is in concert down at the Garden.

Phoebe: And the mystery continues to grow.

Chandler: So I like Barry Manilow. What’s the big deal?

Joey: The big deal is that you like him. First John Denver now Barry Manilow. Who’s next, Yanni?

Chandler: Is Yanni coming in concert? I love Yanni.

Phoebe: Yeah, you are definitely gay.

(Monica enters)

Monica: Hey. (walking over to Chandler and kissing him) Hey honey.

Chandler: Would you please tell these guys that I’m not gay.

Monica: He’s not gay. He’s all man.

Joey: Did you know that he likes John Denver, Barry Manilow and Yanni?

Monica: So?

Phoebe: Could he be anymore gay?

Monica: He could. He could like Kenny G.

Chandler: What’s wrong with Kenny G.? I love to listen to his music when I’m taking a bath.

Joey: Yeah, let’s go Phoebe. The gayness in this room is causing me to doubt my sexuality.

Phoebe: Bye Mon.

Monica: See you guys.

(Phoebe and Joey leave)

Chandler: You don’t think I‘m gay do you Mon?

Monica: If you’re gay, you’ve had me fooled for a long time. And besides, you don’t like it when I stick my finger up there anyway. If you were gay, you’d love it.

Chandler: I’m gonna put this rumor to rest for good.

Monica: What are you gonna do?

Chandler: I’ll tell you, but I’m gonna need your help.

Monica: Are you coming out of the closet?

Chandler: Joey will never know what hit him.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is rocking Caitlin to sleep as Ross enters)

Rachel: Hey honey, how was class?

Ross: It was awesome if you were a student.

Rachel: Did you talk about dinosaurs having sex again?

Ross: No, it was exam day. I passed out the exams, and an hour later they handed them in.

Rachel: That sounds normal.

Ross: That’s because I left the part out where I fell asleep at my desk.

Rachel: You fell asleep?

Ross: Yeah. They could have taken the exams, gone to the library and looked up the answers, come back to class and handed in their exams without me ever knowing.

Rachel: Did anybody do that?

Ross: The whole class did. They would’ve have left me sleeping there if Monty Montgomerie hadn’t tripped over my briefcase and awakened me. All Monty said was “see you on Tuesday dude.” Look Rach, we’ve got to do something about the night shift. I can’t be getting up with you every time Caitlin cries. I’m so tired I can barely teach.

Rachel: So you’re saying that you want me to handle the late shift too.

Ross: Yeah, thanks for understanding.

Rachel: You want me to handle the late shift after I’ve spend the entire day taking care of Caitlin.

Ross: You don’t mind do you?

Rachel: No, not at all. I love the fact that I change her, feed her and clothe her while you’re off sleeping or working or cavorting with Joey and Chandler. It’s not a problem at all.

Ross: I’m sensing that this isn’t ok with you.

Rachel: Why wouldn’t it be? That’s what you want isn’t it? A barefoot and pregnant wife.

Ross: How ’bout this? I get up with you for the 4 am feeding and take her for a couple of hours when I get home from work to allow you to do your thing. Would that work?

Rachel: You’re getting warmer.

Ross: You want me to make dinner every night don’t you?

Rachel: And the deal has been struck.

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Rachel are present)

Phoebe: Where’s Caitlin Rach?

Rachel: Ross took her for awhile. Actually she’s sleeping so Ross is just watching her. He always gets the easy shifts.

Joey: I remember when I was baby…..

Phoebe: How is that possible?

Joey: I guess I just have a really good memory. What was I talking about again?

Rachel: Anyway….this motherhood thing is hard. Caitlin wants my constant attention.

Phoebe: I think you’re exaggerating a little. She’s a baby, she sleeps ¾ of the day.

Rachel: Well it’s still hard not to watch her, even if she‘s just sleeping. I’ll tell you one thing though, my nipples are killing me.

Joey: Ross sucking on them too hard again Rach?

Rachel: No Joey, Caitlin is.

(Monica enters - she’s been crying)

Rachel: My God Monica, what’s wrong?

Monica: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Phoebe: No you’re not. You look like Chandler just dropped a bomb on you.

Monica: Is it that obvious?

Joey: You guys are getting a divorce?

(Monica bursts into tears)

Phoebe: Way to go Joey.

Rachel: What happened Mon?

Monica: You know that closet that we always kid Chandler about?

Phoebe: The gay one?

Monica: Yeah. Well he just came out of it.

Rachel: Chandler‘s, Chandler‘s, Chandler‘s, he’s….

Phoebe: He’s gay?! I guess he really didn’t fall far from the tree.

Joey: No way, he’s not gay. He’s just messing with you.

Monica: Then why was he wearing my dress and make-up when I came home from work?

Joey: Maybe he was just trying to connect on a psychic level with his father.

Monica: Well how do you explain the fact that he wants a divorce so he can explore his new found sexuality?

Joey: I’m telling ya, there’s no way Chandler’s gay.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey guys.

Joey: Dude, the girls are talking crap about you. You‘re not gay are you?

Chandler: I’m as gay as they come man. It’s time I own up to the fact that I’m gay. I’m just like my father.

Joey: Man, you think you know someone and the next thing you know they’re gay. I can’t take this.

Phoebe: Joey, don’t say things like that, this has to be hard on Chandler. You’re his best friend, be supportive.

Joey: I can’t, I just can’t handle this. I’ll see you guys later.

(Joey leaves)

Chandler: Fine acting Monica.

Monica: You too sweetie.

Phoebe: Hey, what about Rachel and I?

Chandler: Yes, your performance was Oscar caliber.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is holding Caitlin and talking to her. Rachel quietly enters)

Ross: See this picture, that’s what Mommy looked like before she got all fat and ugly.

Rachel: Ahem!

Ross: You didn’t hear that did you?

Rachel: The part about my being fat and ugly? No, I didn’t hear that you butthead.

Ross: I was just kidding.

Rachel: When’s dinner?

Ross: Oh, about that….

Rachel: You didn’t make dinner did you?

Ross: Well I was so busy entertaining Caitlin that I forgot. I’ll order some Chinese or something.

Rachel: Fine.

Ross: How was Central Perk?

Rachel: You didn’t miss much, just the usual bane conversations. Oh, and Chandler came out of the closet. He and Monica are getting a divorce.

Ross (who nearly drops Caitlin): What?!

Rachel: Ross, watch what you’re doing! You almost dropped her on her head!

Ross: I’m sorry. I’m just a little in shock. Say that again?

Rachel: Chandler’s gay. He came out of the closet. All the teasing finally made him realize that he’s gay.

Ross: It can’t be, it can’t be….

Rachel: But it is. He’s gay.

Ross: Here, take Caitlin.

Rachel: Where’re you going? What about dinner?

Ross: I’m going to talk to Chandler.

(Ross leaves)

Rachel: Bring back some Kung Pao chicken when you come back! This is so much fun.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

Chandler: Ross should be showing up any minute now. You better go in our room.

Monica: Man, I so want to see Ross’s face when you tell him that you’re in love with Joey.

Chandler: Yeah, he’ll be crushed that I didn’t pick him. Now go.

(Monica goes into their bedroom and shuts the door just as Ross enters)

Ross: Ah, hey.

Chandler: I guess you heard.

Ross: Heard what?

Chandler: That I’m gay.

Ross: Yeah about that, this isn’t because we tease you all the time, is it?

Chandler: Well it helped me get my mind straight. I’ve been confused for a long time. I’m just sorry that Monica got caught in the middle. I really do love her. This has been really hard on her.

Ross: Maybe you’re just going through a phase.

Chandler: No. The fact of the matter is that I’m in love with someone else and it’s not a woman.

Ross: Who is it? Is it that guy Brian down at your office?

Chandler: No, it’s not Brian. It’s someone you know.

Ross: Is it Gunther?

Chandler: God no! (pause) Gunther’s gay?

Ross: I think he is now. Ever since Rachel shot him down at our wedding he’s been dating only men. Who is it then?

Chandler: Joey.

Ross: You’re in love with Joey?

Chandler: Madly.

Ross: I have to sit down. There’s no place to sit down!

Chandler: Here’s a chair.

Ross: Ok, I need to stand. Does he know?

Chandler: Not yet. I haven’t had the chance to tell him. How do you think he’ll react?

Ross: He might just kick your ass.

Chandler: You don’t think I can convert him?

Ross: Joey? You wanna convert Joey? Hell will freeze over and the heavens will divide before you can convert Joey to your side of the fence.

Chandler: So you’re pretty much saying that my love for Joey will be unrequited.

Ross: Unless you think hell will freeze over and the heavens will divide, yes, you don’t stand a chance in hell. Look, I gotta get back to Rachel and the baby, we’ll talk about this later. Oh, one more thing, I’m gonna kick your ass for hurting my sister and you better not fight like a girl.

(Ross leaves. Monica emerges from the bedroom)

Chandler: Great, now I’m gonna get my ass kicked by both Joey and Ross.

Monica: You don’t have to worry about Ross. I’ll teach you how to kick his ass. But you’re on your own with Joey.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is reading on the couch as Ross enters)

Rachel: Well, did you talk to Chandler?

Ross: Yeah, I guess you’re right, he‘s come out of the closet.

Rachel: Did you try to put him back in?

Ross: He’s my friend, I’m not gonna turn my back on him just because he’s gay.

Rachel: That’s great. I’m really proud of you.

Ross: I am however gonna kick his ass for hurting my sister. Where’s Monica by the way? I should really talk to her.

Rachel: I don’t know where she went.

(Ross goes over to the window and looks up at Chandler & Monica’s apartment. Chandler and Monica are making out)

Ross: You know, for a gay man, Chandler still has a way with the ladies.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Chandler’s making out with Monica. What the hell is going on?

Rachel: I don‘t know.

Ross: Rachel?!

Rachel: It’s a joke. We’re playing a joke on Joey by telling him that Chandler’s gay. Since you weren’t at the coffee house, we decided to try to fool you too.

Ross (laughing): Well it totally worked. I really thought Chandler was telling the truth.

Rachel: Do you sometimes feel that Chandler may be gay?

Ross: No. No, I don’t. Why?

Rachel: I don’t know. He likes John Denver, Yanni, Barry Manilow, Cher and Kenny G. On top of that he likes figure skating. That doesn’t wreak of gayness to you?

Ross: So he has terrible musical taste, except for Kenny G. of course, Kenny G. rules. I’ll give you figure skating though.

Rachel: Yeah, I worry about you too. You’re two Kenny G. CD’s from being gay yourself.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Come on Joey, it’s not the end of the world.

Joey: Yes it is. I was his roommate for seven years. Never once did he say anything about being gay.

Phoebe: Joey, the signs have been there for years. He likes John Denver, Barry Manilow, Yanni and Kenny G. He has all of Cher’s CD’s. He has a videotape collection of every ice dancing competition that’s ever been on television.

Joey: So he’s a little girly. That doesn’t make him gay.

Phoebe: But he is Joey, you’re just gonna have to face up to the fact that Chandler came out of the closet.

Joey: Well shove him back in, no friend of mine is gonna be gay.

Phoebe: That’s real mature Joey. He’s your best friend and you’re gonna turn your back on him.

(Chandler enters)

Chandler: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to Joey for a minute?

Phoebe: Is Monica home?

Chandler: She went to Ross and Rachel’s to see the baby. I guess she’s gonna stay there until I find a new place to live.

Phoebe: Ok. I’ll see you later.

(Phoebe leaves)

Joey: Look Chandler, I don’t have anything to say to you.

Chandler: I understand why you’re mad at me Joey. Just let me explain.

Joey: There’s nothing to say. You’re gay and I’m not. End of story.

Chandler: I thought you were my friend. I thought you’d be the one person I could count on to help me through this difficult time.

Joey: Well I guess you thought wrong.

Chandler: Boy, this is gonna be tough. Joey, do you know what made me realize that I was gay?

Joey: What?

Chandler: I realized that I was madly in love with you.

Joey: What?!

Chandler: I’m in love with you Joey.

Joey: Get out! Get out of here now! There will be no gay talk in this apartment! Get out before I kick your ass!

Chandler: Fine, I’ll go. I know you’re not gay Joey, but I just had to tell you how I feel. I hope this doesn’t hurt our friendship.

(Chandler leaves)

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Joey is present)

Monica (to Chandler): Isn’t she cute?

Chandler: Yes Rachel is as gorgeous as the day I met her.

Rachel: Thank you Chandler.

Ross: Are you hitting on my wife?

Monica: I wasn‘t talking about Rachel. The baby, isn’t the baby cute?

Chandler: Yes, the baby is precious. (Everyone just looks at Chandler) It’s comments like that isn’t it?

Phoebe (who‘s at the door): Well the noise has stopped at our apartment. I think he’s done throwing things.

Chandler: I think this joke went too far.

Rachel: I don’t. Joey has to learn sooner or later that it’s ok to be gay. It doesn’t make you any less of a person if you’re gay.

Ross: I do have to say though, you were very convincing Chandler. I just wish you had wanted me instead of Joey.

Rachel (to Chandler): I told you.

Phoebe: Here he comes! Hide!

(Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, Caitlin and Monica hide - Chandler sits down on the couch. Joey enters)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Look, I’m sorry about before.

Chandler: It’s ok, it’s how Ross reacted too.

Joey: It’s just a lot to take in you know. I mean I’ve known you for years. We’ve gone to all those strip clubs together. You stole Kathy from me. Now all of the sudden you tell me your gay, and well I just didn’t know how to handle it.

(Caitlin starts crying in the guest bedroom - cut to the bedroom)

Rachel: Shush. Here, here’s you’re pacifier. That’s a good girl.

(Cut to the living room)

Joey: Did you hear that?

Chandler: Hear what?

Joey: It sounded like a baby crying.

Chandler: It must’ve been from the TV.

Joey: The TV isn’t even on. Is Rachel here with Caitlin?

Chandler: No. Are you sure you didn’t get hit in the head when you were destroying your apartment?

Joey: How do you know that I destroyed my apartment?

Chandler: Well, well, well I heard it all the way over here.

Joey: Oh.

(Caitlin starts crying/screaming. This time it’s really loud)

Joey: Who’s in there?

Chandler: What’d ya mean? There’s no one here but you and I.

Joey: Nah uh. Rachel’s in there with Caitlin. (Joey opens the door and turns on the light) Rachel, what are you doing in there?

Rachel (emerging from the bedroom with Caitlin): I was nursing.

Joey: In the dark?

Rachel: Yeah, I have this phobia about people seeing my nipples.

Joey: Well I better go man. I‘ll talk to you later. Maybe we can go ice skating or something?

Chandler: Ice Skating? Isn’t that a little gay?

Joey: Yeah, but I know that you like it.

(Everyone else emerges from Monica’s bedroom)

Joey: What’s going on here?

Chandler: I’m not gay Joey. We were just messing with you.

Joey: What?! That’s not even f$cking funny!

Monica: I think you were right honey, we went to far.

Joey: You went too far? You went so far, you went so far….you just went too far! That’s not even funny! I destroyed my whole apartment!

Phoebe: That’s ok sweetie, that’s why we have insurance.

Joey: You guys are supposed to be my friends! I’d never do that to any of you!

Monica: And yet you destroyed your apartment because your best friend told you that he was gay.

Joey: Well……

Phoebe: Face it Joey, you had a hard time accepting the fact that Chandler was gay. You didn’t know how to handle it.

Joey: Well Ross did too!

Ross: I did, but I didn’t destroy my apartment. I was there for him. I talked with him about it.

Joey: Well I was there for him too. It just took me a little bit longer. I even said I’d go ice skating with him and I don’t even know how to ice skate. You know what, you guys suck. I’ll see you later.

(Joey leaves)

Chandler: Houston, I think we have a problem.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA‘S APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV as Joey comes in)

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Are you still mad at me?

Joey: A little.

Chandler: Wanna beer?

Joey: It’s two in the morning.

Chandler: So you’re saying I have a drinking problem.

Joey: No, I just didn’t know you drank beer this late.

Chandler: I don’t. But what the hell.

Joey: I just wanted to say one thing.

Chandler: What’s that?

Joey: I love you man.

Chandler: I love you too.

Joey: That’s not as in gay love is it?

Chandler: Do you want it to be?

Joey: No, definitely not.

Chandler: Should we hug?

Joey: Definitely not.

Chandler: It’s good to have you as my best friend.

Joey: It’s too bad you’ve been replaced by Phoebe.