THE ONE THE REVELATION

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present. Joey comes racing in)

Joey: There you guys are. I have been looking everywhere for you!

Chandler: Ah, where have you looked? We’ve been here for ten minutes.

Joey: Actually, this is the first place I’ve checked. Do I have something to tell you!

Monica: Oh do you?

Ross: Did they cancel Baywatch?

Rachel: Oh no, they closed Melo’s didn’t they?

Joey: They did?

Rachel: What is it Joey?

Joey: I think Phoebe’s in love with me!

(The rest stare at Joey in disbelief)

OPENING CREDITS

CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)

Chandler: You wanna run that by me buddy one more time?

Joey: I know. I can’t believe it either.

Rachel: How, how, uh, what happened?

Joey: I was tickling Phoebe because she wouldn’t tell me her secret and then she told me what it was.

Monica: What was it?

Joey: Right. Yeah she said that she was sad that I was getting married ‘cause she always thought that I’d wind up marrying her.

Ross: She was your back-up right?

Joey: Yeah, so?

Ross: So maybe she’s just sad because she won’t have any back-ups anymore and she’s afraid that she won’t find someone.

Joey: You think?

Chandler: Ross, is right. Phoebe’s just sad because she lost her last back-up.

Rachel: There’s only one way to find out.

Joey: Huh?

Rachel: Did you ask her what she meant?

Joey: No! I freaked out and came looking for you guys!

Rachel: Then go ask her what she meant.

Joey: But what if she meant that she’s in love with me?

Monica: Then you’ve got a serious dilemma.

Joey: What’s a dilemma?

Chandler: Forget what a dilemma is! You’ve got two women in love with you! (Rachel and Monica stare at Chandler) What I meant to stay is a dilemma is like finding yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Joey: Still not following ya.

Ross: Joey, if both Phoebe and Courteney are in love with you, then you’ve got a problem.

Joey: You mean I can’t just date them both?

Ross: No. You have to choose.

Rachel: This is definitely a first for you Joey.

Joey: What am I gonna do? I love Phoebe. She’s my closest friend. We do everything together. But I also love Courteney, and I’m engaged to her.

Chandler: Hey, what happened to me?

Joey: You married Monica. I had to replace you. But don’t worry, as soon as our marriages fail, we’ll be right back to where we started.

Chandler: That’s better. (notices Monica is glaring at him) Of course my marriage is never gonna fail. I’m married to the best woman in the world.

Monica: Just keep it up and you’ll have a new best friend before you shut your eyes tonight.

Joey: I gotta pick up Courteney. If you see Phoebe, tell her that I’m sorry that I ran out.

(Joey leaves)

Ross: Can you believe this? Phoebe might be in love with Joey.

Rachel: I always wondered if those two would get together.

Monica: Me too. They’re perfect for one another. He’s dumb as a stick and she’s, well she’s Phoebe.

Chandler: I can’t believe both Courteney and Phoebe are in love with Joey. He is so the man. (notices Monica is glaring at him) I’m not sleeping on the couch again am I? (Monica nods her head yes).

MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT (Chandler is watching TV while sitting on the couch. Monica emerges from the bathroom)

Chandler: Hey, how are you feeling?

Monica: Let’s just say that I have eliminated pizza from my diet until this thing is over.

Chandler: That bad?

Monica: You puke pizza for ten minutes and see if you want it ever again.

Chandler: Thank you very much for the visual. Don’t bother making dinner.

Monica: Dinner’s the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t know how Phoebe did this. I mean she had triplets, that’s like morning sickness times three.

Chandler: Did you flush the toilet?

Monica: No, I left it in there for all the world to see. Of course I flushed the toilet.

Chandler: Geez calm down, I was just checking. I have to go pee.

Monica: Don’t be long. I don’t how long this volcano will stay dormant.

Chandler: I really wish you wouldn’t say things like that, you know I can’t pee under pressure.

Monica: You did at the Beach House.

Chandler: I forgot about that.

Monica: Unfortunately I never will. Though I must say that was the first time I considered getting together with you.

Chandler: When I was peeing on you?

Monica: No, after you finished and I saw how big you are.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Where’s Ross again?

Rachel: I sent him out on some errands. He won’t be back for a while.

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: ‘Cause I asked him to pick up some tampons for me.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Ross is afraid of tampons. I figured it would take him two hours to get up the courage to buy them.

Phoebe: You’re so mean! What did he do this time?

Rachel: He didn’t do anything.

Phoebe: Rachel, what did he do?

Rachel: He left the toilet seat up one time too many. I sat down to go pee this morning and nearly fell in the toilet. He doesn’t know this, but his punishment was to buy me tampons. Of course, I have plenty, but he doesn’t know that. So what’s up with you Pheebs?

Phoebe: Nothing much. What’s up with you?

Rachel: Ross and I are trying for a baby. That’s about it. So are you seeing anyone?

Phoebe: No.

Rachel: Do you like anyone?

Phoebe: I like you, does that count?

Rachel: I’m still not going to sleep with you.

Phoebe: Damn it!

Rachel: So Joey says you have a secret that you’re not telling anyone. What’s the secret?

Phoebe: I don’t have any secret.

Rachel: Ok. Joey’s always lying anyway.

Phoebe: Joey never lies!

Rachel: Then what’s the secret Phoebe?

Phoebe: I walked right into that didn’t I?

Rachel: ‘Fraid so. Well?

Phoebe: Ok. But don’t tell anyone else.

Rachel: Fine. Consider it locked in the vault.

Phoebe: I’m sad because Joey’s getting married.

Rachel: Don’t feel bad, the entire unmarried female population of New York City is sad that Joey’s getting married. But that’s not the secret is it?

Phoebe: Yeah it is.

Rachel: Phoebe?

Phoebe (mumbling): That and I think I have feelings for Joey. I’ll see you later.

Rachel: Stop! Say that again.

Phoebe: Say what?

Rachel: You have feelings for Joey?

Phoebe: Yeah. I’m so confused. I mean it’s Joey, he’s like my closest friend, after you and Monica of course. But still, you don’t fall for your best friend.

Rachel: I did. Monica did too.

Phoebe: But I’m supposed to fall for gay ice dancers, not dimwitted actors.

Rachel: Have you told Joey how you feel?

Phoebe: No. He’s engaged to Courteney and he loves her. It’s too late.

Rachel: It’s only over after you say I do and even then it might not be over yet. Just look at my wedding. Ross and I thought we were married only to find out that our minister was a psycho nut case. All I’m trying to say Phoebe is that I think you should talk to Joey. He may surprise you.

Phoebe: I can’t do it. I can’t ruin his engagement to Courteney. Besides, Courteney’s my friend. If a friend of mine tried to steal my fiancé, I wouldn’t be too happy. I’d want to kick some ass!

RITE AID DRUG STORE (Ross is trying to buy Rachel her tampons)

Ross: Ah excuse me ma’am, but what’s your favorite tampon?

Woman: Excuse me?

Ross: No, no. What I meant is could you help me please? See my wife sent me here to pick up some tampons for her, but she didn’t tell me what to buy. I thought you could tell me what you use and I’d just buy those.

Woman: Listen here mister, you don’t go up to a woman and ask what feminine hygiene products she uses. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.

Ross (VO): Geez, what a bitch. Must be her time of the month too. Let’s see, (picking up various boxes of tampons) super absorbent for those heavy days, ultra thin for comfort, wingtip, unscented, scented…. Man, there are so many choices. Maybe I’ll buy one of each. She could mix and match depending on her mood. Wait, here’s another woman. I’ll ask her.

Ross: Excuse me miss, but I couldn’t help noticing that you’re shopping for tampons. Not that it’s not ordinary seeing a woman buying tampons. It’s a natural thing after all.

Woman #2: Are you ok? Did you lose touch with your special group?

Ross: Special group?

Woman #2: There was a special group of special people that stopped here on their field trip. Did they leave you behind?

Ross: Ah, no. I’m not mentally challenged. See my wife sent me here to pick up some tampons for her, but she didn’t tell me what to buy. What do you use?

Woman #2 (Slapping Ross across the face and walking away): How dare you!

Ross (VO): Ok, find a woman who isn’t PMSing. Forget it, I’ll just buy these. (picks up a box)

(at the checkout counter)

Checkout Woman: Good afternoon sir. Will this be all for you?

Ross: Yup. That’s it. One box of tampons.

Checkout Woman: Damn, it won’t scan. Hold on a minute, I have to get a price check.

Ross (panicked): How about this, here’s ten bucks, I think that’ll cover it.

Checkout Woman: I can’t do that. (over the intercom) Could someone please get me a price check on Stay Free super absorbent tampons please. It’s the box of 24. Thank you.

Courtesy Clerk: That’s $7.50.

Checkout Woman: Thanks. Ok, that’ll be $7.50.

Ross: Here you go. Thanks.

Checkout Woman: Sir, don’t be embarrassed, you’re not the first husband who’s had to buy his wife tampons for leaving the toilet seat up.

Ross: The damn toilet seat!

CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Chandler, Joey and Courteney are present)

Phoebe: Did you hear that Rachel sent Ross to buy tampons for her?

Joey: That’s something that I never do for a girlfriend or wife. I don’t get involved with that stuff.

Courteney: You wouldn’t do it for me?

Joey: No way.

Chandler: I don’t see what the big deal is. I buy tampons for Monica all the time.

Phoebe: It never occurred to you that Monica does that to punish you.

Chandler: No! Monica punishes me by having me sleep on the couch. (pause) You mean she’s doing that to punish me too?

Phoebe: I’ll bet you fifty bucks that’s the reason why.

Chandler: Nah, that’s ok. Come to think of it, that must be the reason why the clerks at Rite Aid ask me if I got in trouble again. Look, don’t tell Monica that I don’t mind, it’s the easiest punishment that she gives me. I gotta go, I was supposed to be home a half hour ago.

Phoebe: You might wanna stop at Rite Aid on the way home.

Chandler: Why would I do that?

Phoebe: She’s just gonna send you there later.

Chandler: Good idea. Thanks Pheebs.

(Chandler leaves)

Courteney: I gotta go to the bathroom honey, I’ll be right back.

Joey (getting uncomfortable): Can’t you just hold it?

Courteney: No! I don’t wanna pee in my pants. What’s gotten into you?

Joey: Nothing. Hurry back.

(Courteney leaves)

Phoebe: So, what’s up Joe?

Joey: Nothing. What’s up with you?

Phoebe: Nothing.

(Phoebe and Joey sit in silence for a few minutes)

Joey: Can I ask you something?

Phoebe: No.

Joey: Ok.

Phoebe: I was kidding, what is it?

Joey: Do you like me?

Phoebe: Of course I like you silly, you’re one of my best friends.

Joey: Right. Well I am glad we cleared that up.

Phoebe: What did you really mean Joey?

Joey: Let’s just drop it.

Phoebe: Come on Joseph, I know what you want to ask me?

Joey: You do?

Phoebe: Of course I do and the answer is no.

Joey: Thank God.

Phoebe: Wait a minute, you don’t want to sleep with me?

Joey: Huh?

Phoebe: What did you want to ask me?

Joey: Just that, will you go to bed with me?

Phoebe: Nah uh, it was something else. What is it?

(Courteney returns. Phoebe gets a look of disappointment on her face)

Joey: Oh, you’re back. Phoebe, Courteney’s back.

Phoebe: I can see that Joey. I’ll see you guys later.

(Phoebe leaves)

Courteney: Why does she seem so sad all of the sudden?

Joey: I don’t know, maybe it’s that time of the month.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel is waiting for Ross)

Rachel (on the phone): Did Ross stop by there Mon? (pause) I sent him to buy tampons. (pause) Yeah, he left the toilet seat up again. (pause) Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Are you sure your ok? (pause) Well if it continues, go to the doctor. Bye.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey honey, sorry I’m running late. The bus broke down.

Rachel: Did you buy the tampons?

Ross: Here you go. (tosses the box to her)

Rachel: You got the wrong kind.

Ross: Well you didn’t tell me which ones to buy!

Rachel: These are too bulky. You’re gonna have to return them tomorrow and get me the ultra slims.

Ross: No way, I bought these for you and you can use these. If you want something else, get it yourself. Oh and by the way, I’m sorry I left the toilet seat up this morning.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I know you sent me to buy those because I left the toilet seat up.

Rachel: Did you bump into Phoebe?

Ross: No. The checkout woman told me that’s why I was buying the tampons. She’s right isn’t she?

Rachel: You caught me.

Ross: Well, you have to buy the next pack of condoms.

Rachel: So? I buy condoms all the time. And as I recall, we’re not using condoms anymore.

Ross (walking into their bedroom): Think again.

Rachel: No honey, no more condoms! I want a baby!

Ross: Well you should’ve thought of that before you sent me to buy tampons!

MONICA & CHANDLER’S APARTMENT (The next morning. Everyone including Courteney are present)

Joey: Phoebe, could you pass the juice please?

Phoebe: Why don’t you ask Courteney?

Joey: ‘Cause you’re closer.

Rachel (whispering to Monica): This is gonna get ugly.

Phoebe: Here you go. (haphazardly passes the juice to Joey which spills all over Joey’s pants)

Joey: Damn it Phoebe! What’s your problem?!

Phoebe: Don’t blame me, you’re the one who spilled juice all over themselves!

Courteney: Let’s go back to your place and clean you up honey.

Joey: Fine. We’ll see you guys later.

(Joey and Courteney leave)

Ross: Phoebe, you can’t be doing stuff like that.

Phoebe: Shut up Ross. And stay out of it.

Chandler: Coffeehouse Ross?

Ross: Let’s go. (to Rachel) I’ll see you later.

Rachel: Bye honey. (to Phoebe) Ross is right Phoebe. You can’t take this out on Joey.

Phoebe: And you didn’t do stuff to Ross when he was with Julie?

Rachel: That was different.

Monica: No it wasn’t Rachel. (to Phoebe) You’ve got to come clean with Joey. He’s one of closest friends. Just tell him how you feel and do it quickly. I really can’t stand having juice all over my floor!

Phoebe: I can’t do it. I can’t hurt Joey.

Rachel: And being mean to him isn’t hurting him?

Monica: Look Phoebe, Joey knows. Joey knows that you have feelings for him.

Phoebe: What?! Who told him?!

Rachel: Nobody told him anything. He’s not as stupid as he looks, at least not most of the time. He figured it out.

Phoebe: How?

Monica: Pretty much by you telling him that you thought he and you would get married someday.

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Later in the day. Phoebe and Rachel are hanging out)

Rachel: I’ve got to think of a new punishment for Ross.

Phoebe: He figured out why you made him buy tampons?

Rachel: Yeah, the clerk at Rite Aid gave up the secret.

Phoebe: Make him buy the groceries.

Rachel: No, he already does that.

Phoebe: What exactly do you do?

Rachel: I let him have sex with me.

Phoebe: That’s supercedes everything. (There’s a knock on the door) Come in. (Joey enters)

Joey: Hey Rach, Pheebs.

Rachel: I’ve got to go meet Ross at the coffeehouse. See you guys there later?

Phoebe: Sure.

(Rachel leaves)

Joey: We need to talk.

Phoebe: Look, I’m sorry I spilled juice on you. Are you ready to go to the coffeehouse?

Joey: Damn it Phoebe! Stop avoiding the problem.

Phoebe: What problem?

Joey: The problem between us.

Phoebe: Sorry, I wasn’t aware that there was a problem. What’s going on Joey?

Joey: Look, I’m going to ask you this once….

Phoebe: Ok.

Joey: Here it comes….

Phoebe: The answer is yes. I do have feelings for you. I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Ready to go?

Joey: No I’m not ready to go. We have to talk about this.

Phoebe: What’s there to talk about? You’re engaged to Courteney, who I happen to really like, and “we” are never gonna happen. I told you how I feel, now let’s go get coffee.

Joey: Don’t you care how I feel?

Phoebe: I know how you feel. You love Courteney.

Joey: And I love you.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Ever since I found out about this, I can’t stop thinking about you. All those years of joking about wanting to sleep with you, and now I really want to. I’m so confused I put my pants on backward this morning and I’m actually wearing underwear.

Phoebe: Wow! You’re really screwed up. Boxers or briefs?

Joey: A thong. Look, what are we gonna do?

Phoebe: You’re engaged to Courteney. There’s nothing to do.

Joey: So you’re happy?

Phoebe: Not exactly. But Courteney is my friend and I’m not gonna screw her over.

Joey: Would it be alright with you if I saw you both?

Phoebe: No. You’re staying with Courteney. I’ll be fine. Come on let’s go. (Phoebe goes to leave)

Joey: Wait a minute!

Phoebe: What?

(Joey takes Phoebe’s hand and pulls her to him and kisses her.)

Joey: Sorry.

Phoebe: Shut up and do it again.

(Joey resumes kissing Phoebe)

CLOSING CREDITS

ACE HARDWARE (Rachel is wandering around looking for something. Suddenly she bumps into Monica)

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Monica: Chandler asked me to pick up a snake while I was out? Do you have any idea what a snake is?

Rachel: That’s funny. Ross sent me for the same thing. (sees a courtesy clerk) Excuse me sir, but do you know where I could fine a snake?

Courtesy Clerk: Three places, in my pants, at the pet store and aisle nine.

Rachel: @#$% you buddy! Men are such pigs.

Monica: Aisle nine is the next aisle over.

(Monica and Rachel walk over there)

Monica: Here they are.

Rachel: Oh my God, look what it’s for.

Monica (reading): Best used for unclogging pipes and toilets.

Rachel: We’ve been set up!