THE ONE WITH THE SEX GURU 

 

Story By:   Ethan & Nina                            

Written by:   Ethan

                                             

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)

 

Ross (to Joey):  So did Courteney move in yet?

 

Joey:  Yup.  As of today, she’s my new roommate.

 

Phoebe:  Did you guys get the house?

 

Monica:  We find out today. 

 

Chandler:  We’ll get it, I have my lucky underwear on.  

 

Rachel:  Too much information. 

 

Joey:  Man I wish I had lucky underwear. 

 

Chandler:  And we’d appreciate it if you would wear underwear when you’re wearing shorts.  The little general is saluting the entire coffee house. 

 

Joey (standing up):  Oops!

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Chandler:  The phone’s not gonna ring if you keep staring at it. 

 

Monica:  I know, I just want that house so bad. 

 

Chandler:  I do too honey, but if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.

 

Monica:  What do you wanna do?

 

Chandler:  How about a little game of pocket pool?

 

Monica:  Uh, that would be kinda hard since we don’t have a pool table. 

 

Chandler:  Think about it.

 

Monica (getting it):  I suppose you could stick your cue into the pocket. 

 

Chandler:  As long as your gentle with the balls this time. 

 

Monica:  Ok!

 

(Monica and Chandler make a move towards their bedroom as Phoebe enters)

 

Phoebe:  Hey guys.

 

Monica:  Phoebe, what are you doing here?

 

Phoebe:  Nothing, just came by to say hi and see if you heard about the house.

 

Chandler:  Hi. Goodbye. 

 

Monica:  We haven’t heard anything.

 

Phoebe:  Ok, well I’ll let you guys get back to your sex, I’ll go say hi to Joey and Courteney. 

 

Chandler:  How did she know we were gonna have sex?

 

Monica:  I think the fact that your fly is open and you’re pitching a tent gave it away.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Joey and Courteney are present)

 

Courteney:  How are the wedding plans coming along?

 

Ross:  Everything’s done.

 

Rachel:  Did you guys get fitted for your tuxes?

 

Joey:  Yeah, he made us do it yesterday.  I still don’t see why we have to wear tuxes.

 

Rachel:  It’s a wedding.  No, it’s my wedding and I say you’re wearing tuxes.

 

Ross:  Ahem.

 

Rachel:  Bless you. 

 

Ross:  Ahem!

 

Rachel:  Oh right, it’s your wedding too.  

 

(Phoebe enters)

 

Joey:  Hey Pheebs, how’s it hanging?

 

Phoebe:  Well since I forgot to put on my bra, about three inches lower than normal. 

 

Rachel:  What ya been doing?

 

Phoebe:  I walked in on Chandler and Monica having sex.

 

Ross:  Gross!  Were they naked and stuff?

 

Courteney:  Well if they weren’t, they weren’t doing it right. 

 

Phoebe:  Don’t worry, they weren’t naked.  Like I’d wanna see that.  Well Monica maybe, but definitely not Chandler. 

 

Joey:  Amen to that. 

 

Rachel:  But you said you walked in on them having sex.

 

Phoebe:  They were about to have sex.  They were all over each other and Chandler was pitching a pup tent, if you know what I mean. 

 

(Chandler and Monica enter)

 

Chandler:  Hello children.  Courteney. 

 

Monica:  Hey guys, what’s up?

 

Courteney:  Why don’t you ask Chandler?

 

Rachel:  That was fast.  What are you guys doing here already?

 

Monica:  Huh?

 

Ross:  Having stamina problems again Chandler?

 

Chandler:  No.  What are you talking about?

 

Monica:  Honey, it’s ok, it happens to every guy. 

 

Chandler:  Monica!

 

Joey:  Hey, speak for yourself there Mon, it doesn’t happen to me. 

 

Ross:  Me either. 

 

Rachel:  Ross, it’s not nice to lie. 

 

Ross:  You weren’t complaining last night! 

 

Phoebe:  Enough!  Doesn’t anyone want to help me solve my problem?

 

Chandler:  I do!  What’s the matter?

 

Phoebe:  Well it’s kinda of a relationship problem.

 

Joey:  He’s good at solving those. 

 

Phoebe:  Ok.  Chandler, how can I get Ryan to last longer?

 

Monica:  That’s definitely not a problem Chandler can solve. 

 

(Chandler leaves in a huff)

 

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel is working.  A co-worker comes in to see her)

 

Co-worker:  Rachel, there’s someone here to see you. 

 

Rachel:  I’m kinda busy right now Betsy, tell them to come back later.

 

Betsy:  I don’t think I can do that.

 

Rachel (snappy) It’s really easy, just say “she’s busy right now, please come back later”. 

 

Betsy:  You don’t understand.  He really wants to see you and I think you’re gonna wanna see him. 

 

Rachel:  Look, just tell Ross that I don’t have time for him right now, I have to get this report done for corporate.  Trust me, he’ll understand.

 

Betsy:  It’s not Ross.

 

Rachel:  Then who is it?

 

Betsy:  Brad Pitt. 

 

(Rachel gets a look of shock on her face)

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY  (Ross is teaching his class.  Half the class is asleep the other isn’t paying attention)

 

Ross:  Alright, that’s it for today.  Before you go, just a reminder, your final exam is next week and based on your midterms, half of this class needs at least a B to pass this course.  Please study, I want a brand new class of sleeping students for next semester, not a bunch of repeaters.  See you guys next week.  (The class doesn’t move and is suddenly very interested about something in the classroom)  Did you guys hear me?  I said get out of my classroom.  (The entire class still doesn’t move)  What’s the matter with you people?

 

Voice:  I think it’s me that they’re interested in.

 

Ross:  Jennifer, what the hell are you doing here?

 

JOEY & COURTENEY’S APARTMENT  (Joey and Chandler are hanging out)

 

Chandler:  I don’t know what I’m gonna do. 

 

Joey:  About what?

 

Chandler:  Haven’t you been listening to me?

 

Joey:  About what?

 

Chandler:  My problem.

 

Joey:  What’s your problem?

 

Chandler:  That’s what I have been talking to you about.

 

Joey:  Oh that, yeah, I’ve totally been listening to you. 

 

Chandler:  So what should I do?

 

Joey:  Just do it.

 

Chandler:  Do what?

 

Joey:  It.

 

Chandler:  You have no idea what we’ve been talking about do you?

 

Joey:  Sure I do.  You should just do it. 

 

Chandler:  Do what?

 

Joey:  Monica.

 

Chandler:  That’s the problem.

 

Joey:  Doing Monica is the problem?

 

Chandler:  When you suddenly can’t last longer than it takes for a good looking hooker to be snatched up at the whorehouse, it’s a problem. 

 

Joey:  That’s what this is about?  Stamina?  Dude, don’t worry about it.  Do what I do.

 

Chandler:  What do you do?

 

Joey:  I don’t worry about it.  I just told you that.  Are you not listening to me now?

 

Chandler:  But she’s making a big deal out of this problem.  She’s got a stopwatch by her bedside for Christ’s sake.  She started timing how long it takes me and my times keep getting shorter and shorter!  It’s a pressure cooker in there man!  A pressure cooker!

 

Joey:  Ok, ok.  Calm down.  I think you need to see an expert. 

 

Chandler:  Who?

 

Joey:  Phoebe.

 

Chandler:  Phoebe?

 

Joey:  I had to learn Joey love from somebody.  Phoebe is the person to see.  She’ll have you lasting so long that Monica will be begging you to release the fleet. 

 

VICTORIA’S SECRET (Rachel has brought Brad into her office.  The rest of the office has gathered outside her door)

 

Rachel:  Ah, what are you doing here?

 

Brad:  We’re here for the wedding. 

 

Rachel:  We?

 

Brad:  Jennifer and I. 

 

Rachel:  Ok. But the wedding isn’t for another four weeks.  Don’t you think you’re a little early?

 

Brad:  Yeah, but it’s been a while since I was in New York and Jennifer wanted to show me the City. 

 

Rachel:  And you coming to my office is part of your sightseeing?

 

Brad:  No, Jen and I just thought it would be funny if we each showed up and yours and Ross’s work.  We get a kick out of watching how everyone reacts. 

 

Rachel (opening her door to reveal all the people at her door):  You mean like this?

 

Brad:  Exactly.  Hi everyone.

 

Office:  Hi.

 

Rachel (shutting the door):  Bye guys.  (to Brad)  There’s gonna be rumors. 

 

Brad:  That’s the down part of going out in public and visiting attractive girl friends. 

 

Rachel (blushing):  You think I’m attractive?

 

Brad:  I could mistake you for my wife if I wasn’t careful. 

 

NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross and Jennifer are standing in front of Ross’s class)

 

Ross:  Guys, I said you could leave five minutes ago. 

 

Jennifer:  Ross, let me handle this.  (turns to face class)  Hi class.  Yes I’m Jennifer Aniston and I’m Doctor Geller’s friend.  It’s very nice to meet all of you.  Now get the hell out of his classroom!  (the whole class gets up to leave) Oh, and don’t forget to study for your final exam.

 

Ross:  That, that was unbelievable.  What are you doing here?

 

Jennifer:  Your wedding.

 

Ross:  That’s in like four weeks.  Seriously why are you here?

 

Jennifer:  Your wedding.  Brad and I wanted to come early and take in the sights and hang out with you and Rachel and your friends.  I hope that’s not a problem.

 

Ross:  No, no problem.  We’re happy to have you.

 

Jennifer:  No, we’re not staying with you, we’re staying at the Mark Hopkins. 

 

Ross:  Oh.  Hey, did you happen to see the National Enquirer after I visited LA?

 

Jennifer:  The one that said you were my adulterous affair?

 

Ross:  That’s the one!  That was pretty cool!  (Jennifer just looks at Ross)  Ok, it was cool for me. 

 

PHOEBE’S APARTMENT  (Phoebe is reading the couch.  There’s a knock at the door.)

 

Phoebe:  Go away, I don’t wanna be converted to be a Jehovah’s Witness this week. 

 

Chandler:  Phoebe, it’s Chandler, open the door. 

 

Phoebe:  Oh, hey Chandler.  What’s up?  Still running the 100-yard dash when you’re supposed to be running a mile?

 

Chandler:  You gave her the stopwatch didn’t you?  (Phoebe just laughs)  Thanks a lot, my performance keeps getting worse. 

 

Phoebe:  Joey sent you I see. 

 

Chandler:  Yeah.  He said you were the sex guru. 

 

Phoebe:  Well you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll have you lasting longer than it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll.  Are you ready to get naked?

 

Chandler:  Me and you?

 

Phoebe:  No, just you.

 

Chandler:  Right here?

 

Phoebe:  If you want, but I really prefer if you did it in the bathroom. I’m not really into watching.

 

Chandler:  Uh, exactly what am I gonna be doing?

 

Phoebe:  Flogging the log. 

 

Chandler:  Huh?

 

Phoebe:  You know, flogging the log, choking the chicken.

 

Chandler:  Gotcha.  What are you gonna be doing? 

 

Phoebe:  Giving you instructions through the door.  You follow my instructions, you’ll last as long as you want to last. 

 

Chandler:  Ah Pheebs, how did you learn about this?

 

Phoebe:  Yeah, I used to be a Call Girl. 

 

Chandler:  As in sex for hire?

 

Phoebe:  Yeah.

 

Chandler:  When?  When you were living on the streets?

 

Phoebe:  God no.  In the 1930s.  It was the Great Depression you know.  I had to make money somehow. 

 

CENTRAL PERK  (Ross, Rachel, Monica, Joey and Courteney are present.  There’s a mob outside the coffeehouse)

 

Ross:  Look at all the people outside. 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah, we’re used to that. 

 

Rachel:  You guys really don’t have to stay at the Mark Hopkins.  You can stay with Ross and I. 

 

Jennifer:  That’s ok.  Our suite is twice as large as your apartment. 

 

Ross:  Can we stay with you?

 

Joey:  So Brad, you’re an actor?

 

Brad:  Yeah.  What do you do?

 

Courteney:  Joey’s Dr. Ross Greco on General Hospital. He’s a neurosurgeon.

 

Brad:  You don’t say.  Have you done any movies?

 

Joey:  I was gonna be the lead in Shutter Speed but they shut it down because of funding problems.  Oh and I recently got the lead in another movie, The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard, but I found out on the first day of shooting that it was a porno movie so I walked off the set. 

 

Brad:  Tough breaks. 

 

Joey:  Yeah, but I make good money playing Dr. Ross Greco.

 

Brad:  Yeah.  I just finished Ocean’s Eleven.  I made pretty good money too. 

 

Joey:  Really?  How much?

 

Monica (who has been staring at Brad the whole time):  Joey!

 

Brad:  It’s ok Monica.  I made $20 million. 

   

Joey:  Holy @#$%!  That would buy a lot of pizza and beer. 

 

Brad:  I’m gonna get some more coffee.  Anyone need anything?

 

Monica:  Why don’t I help you?

 

Brad:  Ok.  But I think I can carry my own coffee.

 

(Brad and Monica leave)

 

Jennifer:  Seems like someone is smittened with my husband.

 

Rachel:  Yeah.  She really loves his movies.  She’s seen them all. 

 

Jennifer:  She’s married to the funny one right?

 

Rachel:  Yeah. 

 

Ross:  So Jen, how’s my lover been?

 

Jennifer:  Pretty good honey, how you doin?

 

Joey:  Hey!  That’s my line!

 

(At the counter.  Brad is ordering coffee from Gunther)

 

Brad:  Could I get some coffee, black, two sugars please. 

 

Gunther:  Sure.  I really dug you in Meet Joe Black. 

 

Brad:  You’re probably the only one.  That movie really sucked.  

 

Monica:  I liked it too.

 

Brad:  I kinda figured that.  Do you want anything?

 

Monica:  No. 

 

Brad:  You just wanna stare at me some more?

 

Monica:  If that’s ok?

 

Brad:  Not a problem.   

 

Monica:  Ok!

 

Gunther:  Here’s your coffee.  Oh, and I’ll see you at Rachel and I’s wedding. 

 

Brad:  What? 

 

Gunther:  Nothing, I mean I’ll see you at Ross and Rachel’s wedding.

 

Brad:   Oh yeah.  Here’s your tip. (hands him a $20 and walks away) 

 

Gunther:  Thanks you cheap bastard.   

 

(Brad and Monica have returned to their seats. Chandler and Phoebe enter)

 

Joey:  You’re done playing with yourself already?

 

Chandler:  Shut up Joey!

 

Phoebe:  That man beat his meat so hard he developed callouses on his right hand.

 

Chandler:  Phoebe!

 

Jennifer (to Ross):  Is he having stamina problems?

 

Ross:  Yeah.  We sent him to the sex guru. 

 

Jennifer:  Phoebe?

 

Ross:  She’s the experienced one. 

 

Jennifer:  I should send Brad to her. 

 

Brad:  I heard that Jennifer Joanna Aniston Pitt.

 

Chandler:  Mon.  (Monica doesn’t stop staring at Brad)  Mon!  (still staring)  Mon!

 

Brad (to Monica):  Your husband is calling you. 

 

Monica:  Yeah honey?

 

Chandler:  We have to go upstairs.  The realtor supposed to be calling at any time now.  

 

Monica:  Alright.  Bye guys, bye Brad. 

 

Brad:  Bye Monica.  (to the others)  She’s really starting to scare me. 

 

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are waiting by the phone)

 

Chandler:  This doesn’t look good. 

 

Monica:  What do you mean?  It’s only 5:30. 

 

Chandler:  No, the old couple across the street is doing it again.

 

Monica:  Doing what?

 

Chandler:  Let’s just say the old woman is dressed up as a dominatrix. 

 

(the phone rings)

 

Monica:  Hello?  (pause)  This is Monica Geller, I mean Monica Bing.  (pause) Oh.  Ok.  Thanks anyway.  (Monica hangs up the phone)

 

Chandler:  Who was that?

 

Monica:  That was the realtor.  They sold the house to someone else. 

 

Chandler:  I must have put on the wrong underwear.

 

Monica:  I wanted that house so bad.  God, we’re never gonna escape the City. 

 

Chandler:  Come here.  (takes Monica in his arms)  We’re gonna find a place.  A place we’re we can start a family and raise all the kids you want. 

 

Monica:  Really?

 

Chandler:  Yeah.  Now I have to take off my unlucky underwear, do you wanna help?

 

Monica:  No.  I’m not in the mood.

 

Chandler (picking up Monica and carrying her to the bedroom):  I wanna show you what I learned today and you’re gonna like it!

 

Monica:  I guess I have two minutes. 

 

(Cut to fifty minutes later.  A haggard Monica, in her bathrobe, emerges from the bedroom)

 

Monica:  Oh my God! What have I done?

 

Chandler (from the bedroom):  Come back here, I still haven’t finished!

 

Monica:  Well I’ve finished eight times already and I can’t finish anymore!  My God, what did she teach you?

 

Chandler (emerging from the bedroom):  Not bad eh?  I guess you can return the stopwatch to Phoebe. 

 

(Joey quietly enters the apartment)

 

Monica:  If you keep that up, we’re never gonna have kids.  You’ve got to sow your oats.  You’ve got to give me your seed.  My egg needs your seed!  Shower my body with your love juice!

 

Joey:  If he won’t, I will. 

 

Monica:  How long have you been standing there?

 

Joey:  Long enough.  (to Chandler)  Way to go man.  Make her beg for it! 

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are cuddling on the couch)

 

Ross:  It’s so cool that Brad and Jennifer showed up unexpected. 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, I guess. 

 

Ross:  What’s the matter?  Aren’t you glad they came?

 

Rachel:  I dunno.  Aren’t you worried about them being at the wedding?

 

Ross:  No.  Why would you worry about that?

 

Rachel:  They’re gonna steal my day. 

 

Ross:  What are you talking about?  They came for us.  You invited them, remember?

 

Rachel:  I know, I know.  It’s just a circus whenever they’re around.  You saw how packed the coffee house was.  We hugged them goodbye and hundreds of flashes went off.  It’s just a friggin circus. 

 

Ross:  It’s gonna be fine.  If you want, I’ll ask them to keep a low profile. 

 

Rachel:  It’s not that, I want to see them too.  I just wish we didn’t have to be at the center of attention. 

 

Ross:  Do you want to the center of attention at our wedding?

 

Rachel:  Of course I do.  I just don’t know if it’ll be possible with Brad and Jen there. 

 

Ross:  What do you wanna do?  Uninvite them?

 

Rachel:  Maybe.  Maybe we should just talk to them. 

 

THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL (Ross and Rachel have come to see Brad and Jennifer.  Brad however, is not present)

 

Jennifer:  Hey guys, come on in.  I was just preparing to shower.  Do you wanna join me?

 

Ross:  I do!

 

Rachel:  Ross! 

 

Jennifer (to Ross):  She’s not aware of my sense of humor yet is she?

 

Ross:  No.  Now about that shower…

 

Jennifer:  What’s up?

 

Rachel:  Where’s Brad?

 

Jennifer:  Brad, yeah, he went to Phoebe’s.

 

Ross:  For what?

 

Jennifer:  To get the same lesson Chandler got.  So what’s going on?

 

Ross:  Ah, Rachel has some concerns that she wanted to address with you and Brad. 

 

Jennifer:  You don’t want us to come to the wedding do you?

 

Rachel:  No, no. 

 

Jennifer:  Rachel?

 

Rachel:  Yeah?

 

Jennifer:  You don’t want us to come to the wedding. 

 

Rachel:  If that wouldn’t be a problem.  

 

Jennifer:  I knew this was gonna happen. 

 

Ross:  You did?

 

Jennifer:  Yeah.  Every time we get invited to events with our non-celebrity friends, this happens.  We cause too much commotion and they ask us to step back.

 

Rachel:  It’s not that we don’t want you there, ‘cause we really do, it just that….

 

Jennifer:  If we come, we’ll be the center of attention and you guys won’t be.  I understand.  We understand.  Brad and I will leave in the morning. 

 

Ross:  I’m so sorry Jen.  Thanks for understanding. 

 

Jennifer:  Not a problem.  I’ll see you guys later. 

 

(Ross and Rachel leave)

 

Rachel:  I feel horrible. 

 

Ross:  I really think they understand. 

 

Rachel:  This isn’t right.  (Rachel knocks on the door)

 

Jennifer:  Oh, hey.  Decided you’d take me up on my shower offer?

 

Ross:  I did!

 

Rachel:  You guys are coming to wedding and you’re not leaving tomorrow. 

 

Jennifer:  Huh?

 

Rachel:  You guys are our friends and it wouldn’t be right if I, if we, didn’t have you at our wedding.  Bring on the paparazzi, I don’t care.  Besides, Monica would kill me if she found out I sent Brad home early. 

 

Jennifer:  Ok.  We’ll be there.  Actually, we’ll meet you for coffee tomorrow.  Are you sure you guys don’t want to shower with me?

 

Rachel:  Now that you mention it, it wouldn’t be the first time I showered with another woman. 

 

Ross:  What?!

 

Jennifer:  Monica?

 

Rachel:  Yeah.

 

Ross:  You showered with my sister?!

 

Rachel:  Yeah, when were eight, would you grow up!

 

Ross:  Oh. 

 

Rachel (whispering in Jennifer’s ear):  And when were 22.  Don’t tell Ross. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS   

 

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are waiting for Brad and Jennifer to show up)

 

Ross:  Where in the hell are they?

 

Rachel:  Maybe they got caught in traffic. 

 

(Jennifer and Brad enter)

 

Brad:  Hey, sorry we’re late.

 

Ross:  Traffic?

 

Jennifer:  Mr. Tantric over there wouldn’t give it up. 

 

Rachel (to Ross):  You’re going to see Phoebe this afternoon!