THE ONE WITH THE TRIP – PART I

 

Written by:   Ethan

                                             

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

AT A NEWSTAND IN FRONT OF CENTRAL PERK (Ross is buying a magazine)

 

Ross:  Do you have the new issue yet Frank?

 

Frank:  It’s right here.  You know, you’re the only one who buys this magazine.

 

Ross:  Wow!  They put a Dinothere on the cover!  Do you know how huge this is?

 

Frank:  No.  But I’m afraid you’re gonna tell me. 

 

Ross:  You see dinotheres became extinct during the Miocene period.  (the camera pans to Frank who is obviously not listening) Dinotheres were elephant like mammals with tusks curving downward from the lower jaw.  They didn’t even know this particular dinothere existed until two months ago.  It was a major discovery.  God, I can’t believe they put this on the cover. 

 

Frank (sarcastically):  That’s really interesting.  Do you want a Penthouse or a Playboy with that?  (Ross shakes his head no)  That’ll be $5.50. 

 

Ross:  Here you go.  See you next month Frank.

 

Frank:  Looking forward to it you freak.   

 

OPENING CREDITS

 

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross are present) 

 

Monica:  Where’s Ross Rach?

 

Rachel:  It’s that time of the month.

 

Joey:  I thought that only happened to women. 

 

Chandler:  It does Joey, it does. 

 

Phoebe:  Speaking of which, do you have a tampon Rach?

 

Rachel:  No.  I don’t need them right now. 

 

Phoebe (confused):  What?  How is that possible?

 

Rachel:  I’m pregnant. 

 

Phoebe:  That didn’t stop me from using them every month.  (pause) How about you Mon?

 

Monica:  Here. (hands her one)

 

Phoebe:  Thanks. 

 

Joey (to Phoebe):  You mean we can’t have sex today?

 

Phoebe:  Don’t worry honey, I’ll treat you just right. 

 

Chandler (to Monica):  See, Phoebe knows how to satisfy even when she can’t do everything. 

 

Monica:  Well as soon as you learn to please me every time, you won’t have that problem anymore. 

 

(Ross enters)

 

Ross:  Hey!

 

Rachel:  Did you get it?

 

Ross:  It’s right here.  They put a Dinothere on the cover. 

 

Joey:  What’s a Dinothere?

 

Ross:  It’s a…..

 

Rachel (cutting off Ross):  Please don’t get him started Joey. 

 

Chandler (clapping):  Let’s hear it for Rachel everyone. 

 

Rachel:  That’s great honey, but that’s not what I meant.  Did you get the tickets?

 

Ross (disappointed):  Yeah.  I got the tickets.

 

Monica:  Where are you guys going? 

 

Rachel:  Ben, Ross and I are going to California to see Brad and Jennifer. 

 

Chandler:  I wanna go!  I love hanging out with Jennifer!  They’re better than anyone I hang around here with.  (notices Monica is glaring at him)  Except my wife and our wonderful friends of course. 

 

Monica:  Nice save.  

 

Chandler:  I thought so too.  (goes to kiss Monica who turns her head)  Obviously it wasn’t good enough. 

 

(Phoebe returns) 

 

Phoebe:  Hey Dr. Wethead.  Where’s Ben?

 

Ross:  I’m so glad that nickname is catching on. 

 

Rachel:  He’s spending the day at grandma’s. 

 

Chandler:  Carol and Susan are back?

 

Rachel:  No he’s at my mom’s. 

 

Joey:  But that’s not Ben’s grandma. 

 

Ross:  Actually it is. 

 

Joey:  Man that’s one lucky kid.  He has four grandmas and a great godfather.  He’s gonna be one spoiled brat.  (notices everyone is starting at him)  Not that he isn’t a great kid already. 

 

Monica:  Anyway, when do you guys leave for California?

 

Rachel:  In two days.  

 

Phoebe:  Where are you guys going? 

 

Chandler:  They’re going to see Brad and Jennifer. 

 

Phoebe:  Oh, I am so there! 

 

Ross:  You weren’t invited Phoebe. 

 

Phoebe:  I’m still going.  We should all go. 

 

Rachel:  But you guys weren’t invited! 

 

Phoebe:  Great, it’s settled.  We’re going to California. 

 

Joey:  Led Zeppelin rules!  (everyone again stares at Joey) Come on, that’s a great song. 

 

BRAD & JENNIFER’S RESIDENCE (Brad and Jennifer are having an argument)

 

Brad:  You could’ve at least told me that they were coming.  I have got an important meeting with my agent today. 

 

Jennifer:  Would you stop?  I told you two days ago that Ross and Rachel were coming. 

 

Brad:  You didn’t tell me they were bringing their son. 

 

Jennifer:  It’s Ross’s son from his first marriage.  He’s never been to California.  He’s a cute kid, you’ll love him. 

 

Brad:  You agreed to do this just to blackmail me.  You want kids right now and I don’t.  This is some sinister plan on your part to make me wanna have kids. 

 

Jennifer:  Would I do that? 

 

Brad:  Yes you would. 

 

Jennifer:  The kid is seven, he’s not a baby.  I bet you that you’ll have a blast with Ben.  If you don’t, I won’t bring up the baby thing for another six months.  Deal?

 

Brad:  Prepare to lose your bet.

 

(The gang, sans Phoebe and Joey, have arrived outside) 

 

Rachel:  Now everyone be on their best behavior.  Brad and Jen don’t know you guys are coming too. 

 

Ross:  You didn’t call to tell them!

 

Rachel:  I forgot. 

 

Ross:  What?  You forgot?

 

Rachel:  Yes, I forgot. 

 

Ross:  How could you possibly forget?

 

Rachel:  When you’re puking up your dinner, you tend to forget things. 

 

Monica:  She’s got a point there. 

 

Ross:  Shut up Mon. 

 

Chandler:  Are we just gonna stand out here or are we gonna let them know we’re here?

 

(Rachel knocks on the door.  Jennifer opens it, very surprised to see everyone)

 

Jennifer (to Rachel):  I see everyone found out you and Ross were coming to visit. 

 

Rachel:  Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. 

 

Jennifer:  No, not at all. That’s why we have fourteen bedrooms.  Brad!  Brad come help everyone with their stuff. 

 

Monica:  Are you sure it’s ok Jen?  Chandler and I could grab a hotel in Hollywood. 

 

Chandler:  Mon, she said it’s ok.

 

Monica:  Shut up Chandler! 

 

Jennifer:  Really, it’s ok.  Come on in. 

 

(Brad comes to the door) 

 

Brad:  Wow!  You’re all here.  And who’s this short little guy?

 

Ben (cowering behind Ross):  I’m Ben.  I’m seven.  How old are you?

 

Brad:  I’m 37. 

 

Ben:  You’re old.  Why do you have such a big house? 

 

Brad:  So I can hide from my wife. 

 

Ben:  My daddy does the same thing.  He hides from Mommy Rachel all the time. 

 

Jennifer:  Aren’t there two more of you?  Where are Phoebe and Joey?

 

Rachel:  Yeah, those two got arrested when they got off the plane. 

 

Jennifer:  For what?

 

Ross:  Apparently joining the Mile High Club is illegal now. 

 

Brad:  Actually it’s always been illegal. 

 

Jennifer:  Those two are an item now?

 

Rachel:  If they aren’t they shouldn’t have been in the bathroom.

 

Chandler:  It also didn’t help their case that they fell out of the bathroom completely naked. 

 

Ben: You could see Auntie Phoebe’s boobies.

 

Ross:  Ben!

 

Ben:  I’m just telling Brad what I saw!

 

Monica:  Needless to say, Joey and Phoebe will be here as soon as they post bail. 

 

TIME LAPSE (Joey and Phoebe have arrived)

 

Joey:  We would’ve been here sooner but Phoebe demanded that the police produce all the evidence they had against us.  It was humiliating. 

 

Chandler:  What was humiliating?

 

Phoebe:  Apparently a passenger videotaped us when we fell out of the bathroom completely naked. 

 

Chandler:  And you had a problem with that Joey?  You love videotaping your sexual escapades. 

 

Phoebe:  It was an 80-year old woman who videotaped the incident.  The police brought her to the precinct as a witness.  She was running around yelling that she could spot Joey’s penis in a line-up.    

 

Joey:  Needless to say that the line-up was humiliating. 

 

Jennifer:  They made you do it naked?

 

Joey:  You got it.  And apparently she fingered me right from the start.  According to the record, she kept yelling, that’s the penis, that’s the penis.  I could pick that penis out blindfolded! That hag hasn’t seen a healthy penis in 40 years!

 

Brad:  No wonder she picked you out so easily. 

 

Jennifer:  Well it’s late, I’m off to bed.  Don’t forget, we leave for Disneyland at 7:30.

 

Monica:  I’m hitting the hay too.  Let’s go Chandler. 

 

Chandler:  But I’m not tired!

 

Monica:  Yes you are! 

 

Chandler (threatened):  Oh right, I’m totally beat. 

 

Rachel:  Ready to go to bed Ross?

 

Ross:  Yeah.

 

Phoebe:  What do you wanna do Joey? 

 

Joey:  Let’s go to bed. 

 

Phoebe:  Didn’t get enough of me on the plane? 

 

Joey:  No, it was the cab ride that wore me out. 

 

DISNEYLAND (The gang has arrived)

 

Rachel:  Ok, before we go in we have to set some ground rules. 

 

Chandler:  I thought that was Monica’s job.  (Monica hits Chandler in the stomach)  Hey that hurt!

 

Rachel:  Since everyone wants to do there own thing, we’re gonna meet in front of Space Mountain at noon for lunch. 

 

Joey:  Where’s It’s A Small World?

 

Jennifer:  In your pants. 

 

Phoebe (to Joey):  She must have been at your lineup last night. 

 

Joey:  You weren’t complaining on the plane, in the cab or in the kitchen last night. 

 

Ross:  Phoebe and Joey knock it off.  There’s a little one present. 

 

Jennifer:  Yeah, it’s in Joey’s pants. 

 

Brad:  Jennifer!     

 

Jennifer:  Sorry, got carried away. 

 

Monica:  Can we go now?

 

Rachel:  Yes, and remember, meet at Space Mountain at noon.

 

(Monica and Chandler run off in one direction and Phoebe and Joey the other leaving Brad, Jennifer, Ross, Rachel and Ben standing there.)

 

Ben:  Can we go on some rides now?

 

Brad (to Ben):  Do you wanna ride Space Mountain?

 

Ben:  Yeah! 

 

Brad:  Let’s go!  (Brad takes Ben’s hand and walks off) 

 

Ross:  Great I’m stuck with the ladies again.  

 

Rachel:  Oh honey, you can ride Space Mountain with Brad and Ben. 

 

Ross:  I don’t want to. 

 

Jennifer:  Why not?  Are you afraid of heights or something? 

 

Ross:  No, I just had a bad experience once before. 

 

Rachel (bursting into laughter):  I totally forgot about that. 

 

Ross:  What’s so funny?  You don’t know anything about it. 

 

Jennifer:  He threw up?

 

Rachel:  No, he crapped in his pants!

 

Jennifer:  He did?  How old were you?  Four?

 

Rachel:  He was 22!        
 

Jennifer:  That has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. 

 

Ross:  I had food poisoning!  I’m going to, to, to….I’m leaving. 

 

(Ross walks away in a huff)

 

Jennifer:  Poor guy, were we too hard on him?

 

Rachel:  He’ll be fine.  Besides, he was walking over toward the restroom.

 

Jennifer:  He must be having flashbacks already.  So do you wanna hit Space Mountain?

 

Rachel:  I’d love to but I can’t. 

 

Jennifer:  Why not?  Are you pregnant or something?

 

Rachel:  Actually I am. 

 

Jennifer:  Oh my God!  Why didn’t you tell me on the phone?

 

Rachel:  I wanted to surprise you.  Surprise!

 

Jennifer:  This is so great!  I’m so happy for you!  How far along are you?

 

Rachel:  About six weeks. 

 

Jennifer:  How about we go to Pirates of the Caribbean?  We could talk on the ride. 

 

Rachel:  Lead the way. 

 

DISNEYLAND – SPACE MOUNTAIN RIDE (Brad and Ben are exiting the ride)

 

Ben:  That was awesome.  Can we do it again?

 

Brad:  You wanna go again?  We’ve already been three times.  Don’t you wanna ride the Matterhorn.

 

Ben:  Please Uncle Brad? 

 

Brad:  Let’s go again.  (to himself)  I should have never had that big breakfast.  

 

DISNEYLAND – SKYWAY RIDE (Phoebe and Joey are riding high across the park)

 

Joey:  I’m bored. 

 

Phoebe:  How can you say that?  We’re at the best amusement park in the world!

 

Joey:  Then how come you dragged me onto this ride?  It’s slow, high in the air, and there’s nothing to do but sit and watch the people on the ground. 

 

Phoebe:  I know how can could have fun.

 

Joey (getting excited):  Are we bungee jump off this ride?

 

Phoebe:  No!

 

Joey:  Forget it then, I’m gonna take a nap. 

 

Phoebe:  How about we get naked?

 

Joey:  And get caught again?  I don’t think so. 

 

Phoebe:  There’s no way they’re gonna catch us.  We’re ten stories in the air.  It’s not like they got video cameras up here. 

 

Joey (excited):  Then what are you waiting for?!  Let’s get naked!

 

DISNEYLAND – IT’S A SMALL WORLD (Chandler and Monica are present)

 

Chandler:  And right over there is where Ross and Carol got caught. 

 

Monica:  Really?

 

Chandler:  No I made it up. (Monica hits him)  But hey, I do know that this is the ride that they got off of and had sex behind the scenes. 

 

Monica:  You wanna do that too?

 

Chandler:  Are you crazy?!  Ross and Carol got kicked out! 

 

Monica:  I was just kidding. 

 

Chandler:  Really, cause I was totally there. 

 

DISNEYLAND – PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN RIDE (Jennifer and Rachel are present)

 

Jennifer:  How did it happen?

 

Rachel:  Well Ross stuck his log in the flume….

 

Jennifer:  I realize that Rach.  I am familiar with how to have sex.  Was it a romantic evening or just a wham bam thank you ma’am moment?

 

Rachel:  I’m not really sure.  We did it so much after we got married that I have no clue as to what specific time did the trick. 

 

Jennifer:  So you were doing it like 4 times a day?

 

Rachel:  Pretty much.  Sometimes we got up to 6 times a day. 

 

Jennifer:  That’s like rabbit territory.  Anyway, I think it’s great.  Do you guys have a name for the baby yet?

 

Rachel:  No.  Though I really like the name Caitlin if it’s a girl and Brady if it’s a boy. 

 

Jennifer:  What does Ross want to name the baby?

 

Rachel:  Does it matter?

 

Jennifer:  I guess not.  (pause)  I really want a baby but Brad doesn’t want kids right now. 

 

Rachel:  What about your career?  

 

Jennifer:  I figured I could take some time off, it’s not like we need the money. 

 

Rachel:  Don’t worry, Brad will come around.   

 

Jennifer:  Actually I have a bet with him.

 

Rachel:  And?

 

Jennifer:  If after Brad spends this time with your stepson and he still doesn’t want to have kids, well then I agreed to drop the whole kids thing for six months. 

 

Rachel:  But what if he has fun with Ben?

 

Jennifer:  Then the baby-making sessions begin. 

 

Rachel:  That doesn’t sound like a fair bet. 

 

Jennifer:  What?

 

Rachel:  That doesn’t sound like a fair bet for him.  Ben is an absolute blast. 

 

Jennifer:  You think I’d make a bet that I knew I couldn’t win?

 

DISNEYLAND – SOUVENIR SHOP (Ross is browsing for a souvenir for Ben)

 

Ross (VO):  They don’t have any good souvenirs.  This place is nothing like Dino Kingdom in New York.  At least there they have good souvenirs.  All they have here are a bunch of Mickey Mouse crap.  Mickey Mouse would get eaten alive by a dinosaur. 

 

Woman (approaching Ross):  Ross? 

 

Ross (not turning around):  I’m still busy being mad at you Rach. 

 

Woman (touching Ross on the shoulder):  Ross? It’s me, Julie. 

 

Ross:  Oh my God!  Julie.  It’s Julie everybody.  Wow!  Like what are you doing here?

 

Julie:  I’m here with my nieces and nephews.  What are you doing here? 

 

Ross:  The whole gang decided to take a trip to California to visit some friends and we decided to come to Disneyland for the day. 

 

Julie:  Who did you marry?

 

Ross:  What?

 

Julie:  You have a wedding ring on your left hand, who did you marry?

 

Ross:  Don’t you mean whom?

 

Julie:  I see you haven’t changed.  Whom did you marry?

 

Ross:  Rachel.

 

Julie:  Oh.  I guess I should’ve seen that one coming.  So how long has it been?

 

Ross:  Three months. 

 

Julie:  You guys dated for six years before you got married?

 

Ross:  No.  We broke up after one year and got back together a year and a half ago. 

 

Julie:  Why’d you break up the first time?

 

Ross:  I really don’t want to talk about it. 

 

Julie:  Oh, ok.

 

Ross:  I slept with another woman. 

 

Julie:  I see you graduated from kissing another woman. 

 

Ross:  Huh?

 

Julie:  My attempt at humor.  You kissed Rachel while we were still together. 

 

Ross:  And I’m still very sorry for that. 

 

Julie:  Don’t feel bad, you taking that vase up side the head helped me a lot. 

 

Ross:  Yeah, I had a headache for three days after that.  (pause)  Ah, I’m really hungry, do you wanna get some lunch?

 

Julie:  I don’t know if we should.

 

Ross:  Why not?

 

Julie:  What if Rachel found out?

 

Ross:  Why would she care, we’re married. 

 

Julie:  Ah, but Rachel doesn’t like me all that much. 

 

Ross:  It’s ok, I don’t like too much right now either. 

 

Julie:  What?

 

Ross:  I’m kidding.  She won’t mind at all.  So do you wanna grab some lunch or not? 

 

Julie:  Ok.  Lunch sounds good.  There’s a taco place right over there, how does that sound?

 

Ross:  No, that’s no good.  The last time I had tacos here I got food poisoning.  How ‘bout a burger or something?

 

Julie:  That’s fine.  Did you puke up your tacos on a ride or something? 

 

Ross:  Something like that. 

 

Julie:  You crapped your pants, didn’t you?!

 

Ross:  No!

 

Julie:  Oh my god!  You crapped your pants! 

 

DISNEYLAND – IN FRONT OF SPACE MOUNTAIN (Lunch time. Jennifer and Rachel are waiting for everyone.) 

 

Rachel:  What time is it?

 

Jennifer:  It’s ten after twelve. 

 

Rachel:  No one’s gonna show.

 

Jennifer:  If Brad knows what’s good for him, he and Ben will show. 

 

Rachel:  You could say the same thing for Ross. 

 

(Brad and Ben exit Space Mountain)

 

Ben:  Can we go again Uncle Brad?

 

Brad:  No Ben, we have to meet your Mommy and Auntie Jennifer. 

 

Ben:  But I wanna go on the ride again. 

 

Brad:  We can’t Ben, I’m sorry. 

 

Ben:  Can we go after lunch?

 

Brad:  Sure Ben, what ever you want. 

 

(Brad and Ben approach Jennifer and Rachel)

 

Brad:  Hey, sorry we’re a little late, Ben wanted to go on Space Mountain again. 

 

Jennifer:  So are you guys having fun?  Have you been on tons of rides Ben?

 

Ben:  No, just Space Mountain. 

 

Rachel:  You haven’t gone on any other rides Ben?

 

Brad:  No we’ve been on Space Mountain over and over again all morning. 

 

(Monica and Chandler approach)

 

Rachel:  Where have you guys been?  It’s 12:15!

 

Chandler:  We would’ve been here on time but I forgot my watch and Monica was in charge of telling time. 

 

Rachel:  Oh, that explains everything. 

 

Monica:  Hey, in my defense I thought it was noon forty-five minutes ago.

 

Chandler:  Yes, 11:30 looks a lot like noon on a watch! 

 

Monica:  Hey, I thought it was 6:00 at first but then I realized that was wrong.  But the little hand was almost on the 12, so I thought it was noon. 

 

Rachel:  It’s ok Mon, you’re here now.  

 

Chandler:  Where’s Ross?

 

Rachel:  I don’t know but he’s starting to piss me off. 

 

(cut to Mickey’s Burgers)

 

Julie:  It’s great seeing you again.

 

Ross:  It’s great to see you too.  We had a lot of fun together when we were dating. 

 

Julie:  Yeah, it’s too bad you were in love with someone else. 

 

Ross:  Again, I’m truly sorry for that. 

 

(cut to in front of Space Mountain)

 

Monica:  No sign of Phoebe and Joey?

 

Rachel:  No.  Though I expected them to be no-shows. 

 

Brad:  Why?

 

Chandler:  Because they’re Phoebe and Joey. 

 

CLOSING CREDITS

 

DISNEYLAND - SECURITY OFFICE

 

Joey:  You and your great ideas!

 

Phoebe:  Hey don’t blame me, I didn’t now there were security cameras.

 

Joey:  We are never having sex in public again!

 

Phoebe:  What time is it?

 

Joey:  It’s 12:20. 

 

Phoebe:  We were supposed to meet everyone at noon for lunch.

 

Joey:  Well thanks to you that’s not gonna happen.  Man, I’m so hungry!  This is screwing up my eating schedule!

 

Phoebe:  It’s not my fault!

 

Joey:  Yes.  Yes it is your fault! 

 

Phoebe:  Eat me!

 

Joey:  That’s why we’re in here! 

 

TO BE CON TINUED