THE ONE WITH THE UNTHINKABLE

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

 

CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Rachel and Ross are present)

Rachel: So are ya still getting married Joe?

Joey: Why? Did Phoebe back out?

Rachel: No. I was just wondering if you’re still planning on going through with this?

Joey: Yup. She‘s gonna serve her punishment. We’ve arranged a place to get married at and have decided to go to Aruba for our honeymoon.

Ross: That’s where I wanted to go on my honeymoon.

Joey: Which marriage?

Ross: My current one.

Rachel: Don’t worry honey, when you get married again you can go to Aruba.

Ross: I’m not getting married again. I’m with you forever.

Rachel: That’s what you think.

OPENING CREDITS

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is watching Jurassic Park III on TV. The doorbell rings)

Ross: Damn, this always happens right before you can see down Tea Leoni’s shirt. Coming.

(Ross opens the door. It’s Susan)

Susan: Surprised to see me?

Ross: What’s wrong? Are Ben and Carol ok?

Susan: Ben’s fine. Carol and I however, are getting a divorce.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Joey are playing video games)

Joey: Thanks for letting me bring the X-box over here.

Chandler: Where else would you have taken it? It’s not like Ross knows how to play video games.

Joey: Yeah but Rachel does. She absolutely kicked my butt in Football a couple of days ago.

Chandler: Phoebe doesn’t like video games?

Joey: No, she thinks it’s demeaning towards men.

Chandler: How are video games demeaning towards men?

Joey: I was hoping you could tell me.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Joey, I’m going to see my birth Mom.

Joey: Ok. I’ll make dinner for us when you get back.

Phoebe: That’s so sweet.

Chandler: Joey, Joey? What in the hell happened to Joey?

Joey: Dude, it’s called being in a mature relationship.

Chandler: Oh, you see I have figured that part out yet.

Phoebe: One thing Joe, you’re coming with me.

Joey: No I’m not!

Phoebe: Yes you are. You’re gonna meet your future birth mother-in-law.

Joey: There’s no such thing as a birth mother-in-law!

Chandler: Apparently in Phoebe’s world there is.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross is consoling Susan, kind of)

Ross: How can you be getting a divorce? Lesbian marriages aren’t recognized by the State of New York.

Susan: Then I’m leaving Carol.

Ross: What happened?

Susan: I think she slept with another woman.

Ross: She slept with another woman?

Susan: I think so.

Ross: You mean you don’t know for sure?

Susan: No, I don’t know for sure. But all the signs are there. Staying late at the gym, telling me how great her friend Layla is, coming home with someone else’s perfume permeating the room. I just know I’ve been replaced.

Ross: Well your right, all the signs are there. That’s exactly how Carol was when you burst onto the scene. Payback’s a bitch ain‘t it?

Susan: What?

Ross: I said life can be a bitch.

Susan: What am I gonna do? We can’t raise Ben in a house where the two mommies aren’t sleeping together anymore.

Ross: Do me a favor…..

Susan: Ok.

Ross: Don’t refer to you and Carol as two mommies who sleep together, it still really freaks me out.

Susan: Can you and Rachel take Ben for a few days?

Ross: Sure. Are you gonna try and patch things up with Carol?

Susan: No, I just don’t want Ben to see his mommy packing up her stuff. I’m leaving.

Ross: Don’t you think that’s a little rash?

Susan: No.

Ross: Ok. Don’t you think you should at least confront her first?

Susan: I can’t believe that I’m gonna say this, but you’re probably right. I’ll talk to her first. Thanks Ross, you’re a good friend.

Ross: Well you know what they say….

Susan: What?

Ross: I forget. So when are you bringing Ben over?

Susan: This afternoon if that’s ok.

Ross: That’s fine. I’ll see you later.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is looking out the bay window as Rachel and Monica enter)

Monica: What on earth are you doing?

Chandler: Oh, hey guys. I just watched the weirdest thing.

Rachel: What?

Chandler: Ross just talked to Susan for like 30 minutes, and then gave her hug when she left.

Rachel: Susan as in Carol’s Susan?

Chandler: I know, it’s like the unthinkable happening, Ross liking Susan.

PHOEBE SR’S HOUSE (Joey, Phoebe and Phoebe Sr. are present)

Joey: This is really good. What is this?

Phoebe Sr.: That’s the cat’s food.

Joey: They should market this to people. This stuff rocks.

Phoebe Sr.: I see you’re still dating bright people Phoebe.

Phoebe: Joey’s as bright as they come.


Phoebe Sr.: So when are you two getting married?

Phoebe: In eight weeks.

Phoebe Sr.: You guys aren’t messing around.

Phoebe: No, that’s why we’re getting married.

Phoebe Sr.: You’re pregnant?

Joey: You’re pregnant?!

Phoebe: No! We just have fooled around so much it seemed that marriage was the next logical step.

Joey: Thank God, for a minute there I thought I was gonna have to postpone marrying you.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present)

Rachel: I should call Ross.

Monica: Hell, you should call the National Enquirer. Ross and Susan acting friendly, something’s definitely up.

Chandler (emerging from the bathroom): Mother of God!

Monica: What’s your problem?

Chandler: I caught my thing in my zipper.

Monica: Is it still caught?

Chandler: Yes!

Rachel: Doesn’t it hurt?

Chandler: Worse than childbirth!

Rachel: I seriously doubt that.

Monica: Well just yank the zipper back down. Here, let me help you.

Chandler: Get away from me!

Monica: Well you can’t walk around with your foreskin caught in your zipper. Let me help you.

Chandler: You don’t understand, I like it like this! See, the pain is not too bad!

Monica: You’re turning white.

Rachel: Let me see. Oh no, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Monica: Fine, we’re going to the emergency room.

Chandler: We don’t have a car and Phoebe took her cab to see her birth Mom.

Monica: Then we’ll take the subway.

Chandler: I’m not riding the subway with my thing partially hanging out!

Monica: True, most flashers show you everything. Rach, I’m taking Mr. Foreskin to the ER.

Rachel (from the bathroom): Ok.

(Ross enters)

Ross: Hey. Chandler, why are you holding your crotch?

Monica: He trapped his foreskin in the zipper and he won’t let me touch him.

Ross: Way to go man. How’s the pain?

Chandler: Like someone drilling your teeth without Novocain.

Monica: Let’s go honey. Here, use this hat to cover yourself. See, I told you there was no sex for you today.

(Rachel emerges from the bathroom)

Rachel: Is he gone?

Ross: Yeah. Are you hungry? I’ve got something I need to talk to you about.

Rachel: You’re leaving me for Susan?

Ross: No. Susan’s leaving Carol.

PHOEBE SR’S HOUSE (Phoebe Sr., Phoebe and Joey are present)

Phoebe: Well I guess we should tell you why we came to see you.

Joey: This ought to be good, ’cause I don’t know either.

Phoebe Sr.: I’d be happy to walk you down the aisle.

Phoebe: Wow! How’d you’d know that I was gonna ask you to do that? Are you psychic too?

Phoebe Sr.: No, either Ursula or I was gonna walk you down the aisle since your Dad is a deadbeat. And since Ursula and you don’t speak, I kinda assumed that you would ask me to give you away.

Joey: That’s amazing. I never would’ve thought of that.

Phoebe: Honey, when you have a thought, the earth stops rotating.

Joey: But the earth always rotates.

Phoebe: Exactly.

MELO’S PIZZA (Ross and Rachel are having lunch)

Rachel: Let me get this straight, Susan thinks Carol is cheating on her with another woman?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: What do you think?

Ross: It’s plausible. After all, she did it to me.

Rachel: What time is Susan dropping off Ben?

Ross: This afternoon after school lets out.

Rachel: Where’s he gonna sleep?

Ross: On the windowsill.

Rachel: Don’t you think he’ll get cold?

Ross: I’ve set up a bed in the Caitlin’s room.

Rachel: Who’s Caitlin?

Ross: I thought we were naming the baby Caitlin.

Rachel: We were. Now we’re naming the baby Alexa.

Ross: Ok, could you at least keep me informed of the name changes or I’m gonna start telling everyone the baby’s name is Kierstin again.

MT SINAI HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM (Chandler and Monica are waiting to see the doctor)

Monica: How are you hanging in their honey?

Chandler: It’s not hanging anywhere, it’s caught in my zipper for Christ’s Sake.

Monica: I meant how is the pain?

Chandler: It’s worse then when you accidentally bit down on it.

Monica: That bad?

Chandler: I’m not even gonna answer that.

Female Doctor: Chandler Bing?

Chandler: Right here.

Doctor: Follow me.

Chandler: No offense, but do you think I could get a male doctor?

Doctor: No. Now follow me.

Chandler: Could my wife come?

Doctor: Why?

Chandler: So she could hold my hand.

Monica: He‘s very protective of his penis.

Doctor: Fine. She can come too.

JOEY & PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are present)

Phoebe: Thanks for going with me to my birth Mom’s.

Joey: Not a problem. Besides, she gave me some cat food to eat.

Phoebe: You’re a strange man Joey.

Joey: Whadda ya want to do?

Phoebe: I think I’m gonna take a nap.

Joey: Can I join you?

Phoebe: Sure, but we’re not having sex.

Joey: Why not?

Phoebe: No more sex until we’re married.

Joey: But we’re not getting married for eight weeks! What am I supposed to do until then? Wait, don’t answer that. I already know.

Phoebe: No way mister. That doesn’t mean you can go sleep with anyone else.

Joey: You’re killing me! That’s totally not fair! I can’t go eight weeks without sex! I’m not Chandler for Christ’s sake!

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Susan is dropping off Ben)

Susan: Are you gonna be ok here Ben?

Ben: Yeah. I like staying here. Mommy Rachel lets me eat Bon-Bon’s with her on the couch.

Rachel: Ben, that was a secret between you and I.

Ross: You’re eating Bon-Bon’s again?

Rachel: Well you’re still playing with your dinosaurs so I don’t wanna hear it.

Susan: Well I better go. Carol’s gonna be home from work soon. Bye Ben.

Ben: Bye Mom.

Rachel: Good luck Susan.

Ross: Yeah, be strong.

Susan: Thanks guys.

(Susan leaves)

Ben: What’s for dinner?

Rachel: I guess now is a good time as any to learn how to cook.

Ross: Do you wanna go out to eat Ben?

Rachel: Ross!

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV as Chandler and Monica enter)

Joey: Hey guys!

Monica: Didn’t pay the cable bill again Joe?

Joey: No, Phoebe’s taking a nap. Dude, why do you have an ice bag on your crotch?

Monica: Chandler caught his thing in his zipper.

Joey: That’s gotta hurt.

Chandler: No, it wasn’t painful at all.

Monica: Yeah, that’s why he cried like a baby when the doctor pulled his zipper down.

(Ross, Rachel and Ben enter)

Rachel: Hey guys.

Monica: Come and see your Auntie Monica Ben!

Ben (to Ross): Do I have to?

Ross: Go say hi.

Ben: But she smells like Grandma.

Ross: Go say hi and then you can play with Uncle Joey.

Ben: Where’s Uncle Chandler?

Chandler: I’m in my bedroom kiddo. I’d come out and play but I can’t.

Ben: What’s the matter with Uncle Chandler?

Rachel: He caught his peepee in his zipper today and he’s in pain.

Ben: Geez, even I‘m smart enough not to do that.

Chandler (from the bedroom): Thanks for the vote of confidence kid.

Ross: Where’s Phoebe?

Joey: She’s napping.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: No I‘m not, I’m right here. Where‘s little Ben?

Ben: Auntie Phoebe!

Monica: Sure, I apparently smell like my mother and Ben adores weird Auntie Phoebe.

Rachel: Joey, why don’t you take Ben out on the balcony.

Joey: Why?

Rachel: Because I asked you to.

Joey: I can live with that. Let’s go Ben.

Ross: Well Rachel and I have some news.

Chandler (from the bedroom): You’re splitting up.

Monica: Shut up and ice your wiener.

Ross: It appears that Carol and Susan are getting a divorce.

Phoebe: How’s that possible, lesbian marriages aren’t recognized by the State of New York.

Rachel: Then they’re going their separate ways.

(Chandler emerges from the bedroom with an ice pack on his crotch)

Chandler: So that’s why you were talking to Susan today.

Ross: Were you spying on me again?

Chandler: Sorry, I was bored.

Monica: They’re really splitting up?

Ross: It appears that way. Susan thinks Carol is sleeping with someone else. Some girl named Layla.

(There’s a knock on the door)

Monica: I’ll get it.

Chandler: Does Ben know?

Rachel: No, we haven’t told him yet. We’re not gonna say anything until we know something for sure.

Phoebe: Wow. This is really unbelievable. Carol seeing another woman under Susan’s nose.

(Monica opens the door and it’s Carol)

Monica: Carol! What a surprise!

Carol: Hi guys. So I guess you’ve heard the news.

All: No.

Carol: Susan and I are splitting up. Ah, Ross, can I speak to you in private for a minute?

Ross: Sure. But I’m just gonna tell them when you leave anyway so maybe you should just tell us all now.

Rachel: Ross!

Carol: It’s ok Rachel. Ross is right. I just thought this might be easier for Ross to hear in private.

Ross: What is it Carol?

Carol: I’m getting married again.

Ross: Another lesbian wedding?

(Joey and Ben return from the balcony)

Carol: No, a real wedding. I’m marrying a baseball player, his name is Ryan Vogelsong. We met a year ago and he asked me to marry him last night.

Joey: Wow! That makes you the worst lesbian ever!

Rachel: Joey!

Carol: He’s right you know. I am the worst lesbian ever.

Joey: See.

Carol: Are you alright Ross?

Ross: Me? Sure, I couldn’t be better. My lesbian ex-wife is now getting married to some guy. I’m totally cool with it. Ok, I need some air.

(Ross leaves)

Carol: Well I better go. I told Ryan I’d meet him at the Plaza.

All: See ya. Bye. Etc.

Ben: Mommy?

Carol: Yeah slugger?

Ben: Say hi to Ryan for me.

Carol: Will do sweetie. Bye.

(Carol leaves)

Chandler: Hey buddy, how do you know about Ryan?

Ben: Mommy told me that he was gonna be my new Daddy someday.

Chandler: I think it’s good that Ross left.

Rachel: I’d better go find Ross before he does something stupid.

Monica: Do you want me to go with you?

Rachel: Nah. If you could watch Ben ‘til I get back that’d be great.

Monica: I think Joey, Phoebe and Chandler can handle that.

(Rachel leaves)

Phoebe: I always knew that she was like Duncan.

Joey: How’s that Pheebs?

Phoebe: Into men and women and unsure who she wanted on her team.

CENTRAL PERK (Ross is sitting on the couch with his head in his lap. Rachel enters)

Rachel: Sweetie?

Ross: Oh, hey Rach.

Rachel: Are you ok?

Ross: Why wouldn’t I be?

Rachel: Come on Ross, it’s me.

Ross: How would you feel if Barry said he was marrying some guy after all these years?

Rachel: I’d be ecstatic. Ok, I’d feel a little weird.

Ross: I always felt responsible for turning Carol into a lesbian.

Rachel: That’s ridiculous.

Ross: Is it? I was head over heels in love with that woman for seven years and then she tells me she’s fallen in love with a woman. Now suddenly, after all these years of thinking she’s a lesbian, she goes and falls in love with a man again.

Rachel: It’s not the first time that’s happened in history.

Ross: Who has done that?

Rachel: Anne Heche.

Ross: She’s not with Ellen DeGenneres anymore?

Rachel: No, she married some photographer.

Ross: Why do gay people keep switching teams?

Rachel: Most gay people don’t, but bisexuals do.

Ross: I just feel, feel…..

Rachel: What?

Ross: That I let Carol down somehow and that’s why she left me and became a lesbian.

Rachel: Put it this way, if she hadn’t, you and I wouldn’t be together and we wouldn’t be having a baby together.

Ross: Yeah, whatever.

Rachel: Sweetie, are you saying you don’t love me anymore?

Ross: No. Just don’t go and become bisexual on me.

Rachel: You know, I’ve already been with another woman once.

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Your sister.

Ross: Yeah, we don’t talk about that, remember? As far as I know, you’ve never been with another woman.

Rachel: Well we need to go pick-up your son. He wants to hang out with his Daddy.

Ross: Did he say that?

Rachel: Not exactly, but I left him with Chandler, Joey and Phoebe.

Ross: We’d better go. I don’t know what he’ll become if we leave him there any longer. He’ll trap his peepee in his zipper, learn Italian swear words or become a Tarot Card reader.

CLOSING CREDITS

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is present. Ben is asleep in the guest bedroom)

Monica: How’s your thing honey?

Chandler: It’s not throbbing anymore. So I guess it’s better.

Joey (going into the bathroom): How could you be so stupid?

Phoebe: That’s funny, people ask me that about you all the time.

Monica: So how are you doing big brother?

Ross: I’m fine. Sure my ex-lesbian wife left her lesbian partner to get married to some baseball player, but other than that, I’m peachy.

Rachel: He’s working on it.

(from the bathroom)

Joey: Holy @#$%!

Chandler: Are you alright in there man?

Joey: Phoebe, go get the car.

Phoebe: Why?

Joey: The Little General’s been ambushed and he’s trapped in my zipper!