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TOW Russ

 Prev: TOW the List |  Scenes Menu  |  Next: TOW the Lobsters

[Scene: Everybody at Central Perk.]

PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.

RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.

MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends?

RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.

MNCA: What?

JOEY: With a man?

RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date?

JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he made that list about you?

RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.

MNCA: What are you talking about?

RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

PHOE: But you guys came so close.

RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.

[Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).]

RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.

RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii.

[Everyone looks at each other in amazement.]

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]

[Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!

RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?

RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh....friend-type....people.

[Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]

PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.

RACH: Hi.

PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?

RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?

RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?

PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

[Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.]

PHOE: Oh, my, oh!

ROSS: What? What's wrong?

PHOE: I, OK....

MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.

ROSS: Alright.

CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.

RUSS: Hi.

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?

RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing...of Rachel's.

ROSS: A date.

RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.

ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.

CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....

RUSS: Periodontist.

MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later that night.

ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh...meeting you.

RUSS: Ditto.

[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]

ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.

RACH: Oh.

ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.

RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....

ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...

RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal.

ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.

RACH: Um, Russ, you ready?

RUSS: Yeah.

RACH: Bye.

MNCA: Bye.

PHOE: Bye.

[Russ and Rachel leave together.]

ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating.

CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?

ROSS: What do you mean?

MNCA: Do you not see it?

ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.

CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

ROSS: ....................Yeah.

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]

CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.

RUSS: Dysprosium.

ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.

CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.

[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.]

PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it?

RACH: What?

PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.

RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ.

PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!

RACH: Steve... sleeve!

PHOE: OK, no one is named Sleeve.

RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.

[They look over at Russ and Ross.]

ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.

CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do you?

RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ROSS: Of... of what?

RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.

RUSS: Hey, you listen.

ROSS: No, no, let me finish.

RUSS: No, let me finish.

ROSS: No, you let me fini...

[Rachel walks up behind them.]

ROSS: Hi.

RUSS: Hi.

RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away]

. . .

[Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

RUSS: Hi.

CHAN: Oh, hey.

PHOE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?

[Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.]

PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

[Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.]

JULIE: Hey.

CHAN: Hey!

PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....

[Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...]

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Last updated: 9/6/99


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